Home Thoughts From Dubai

Did you know : Here is a short section for my Kiwi friends – a) New Zealand was the first country to give women the vote (1893 vs 1928 in UK and 1920 in the US) b) nowhere is NZ is more than 80 miles from the sea c) yep the Aussies are right, there ARE 10 sheep for every person in the Country d) there is a flightless parrot known as the Kakapo – and NZ is the only place in the world whner you can see it – well it can hardly come to see you, can it !!!and e) it is home to the worlds most southerly vineyard – Central Otago. Well sorry if all that was a bit of an anti-climax. If all my Kiwi friends had told me there were far more interesting things about the country. But I can’t find them on the internet !!! That should provoke a response !! And for those of you who DON’T care about New Zealand – then did you know that the human nose stops growing at age 15/16 years old while your ears stop growing when we are 6.
Thoughts for the week : a) Success should not go to head and failure should not go to heart b) TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More c) Light travels faster then sound… which is why most people appear brilliant until you hear them d) There are two kinds of people, those who do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
Now sorry for the rush but here are just a few quick ‘take-aways’ from the last 10 days in Dubai.
First all the preparations are in place for a National Day on December 2nd which will dwarf ANYTHING that had previously been seen in the UAE. It is their 40th Anniversary of Independence (or more correctly formation). The flags and evidence of what is to come is abundantly visible throughout the Emirate in every petrol station, shopping mall and retail outlet in Dubai. No escape. It will be a night/day to remember. 40 years old. Well done to Sheikh Khalifa and Sheikh Mohammad. And of course their fathers, Sheikh’s Rashid and Zayed (who was the founding father of the UAE)
But whatever this day transforms into, it will be over-shadowed by an even greater Anniversary. Yes there is something with even a GREATER financial budget than the resources of the UAE. And again I am unfortunately going to miss it. Yes McGettigans pub at the Bonnington Hotel in Jumeirah Lake Towers, is ONE YEAR this week. And to celebrate ???? Well THREE days of celebration. Well done to the Irish. And to Dennis, Jim and the entire (lovely) family. BUT ONLY the IRISH know how to have a REAL party ………………. and to think that McGettigans is just a pub within an hotel – which itself if more than two years old. What next ?? An anniversary party for the kitchen in the hotel !!!
Another celebration being heralded in Dubai is the extraordinary success of the Dubai Metro. It is now, apparently (my arithmetic does not support this), taking in (ie revenue) AED 7 million per DAY. Whatever the figure it is a wonderful mode of transport – and YES I HAVE used it !!!

And this week one of the projects I ‘originated and proposed’ to the Dubai Government, has been passed for implementation. Yes, sorry to all the future visitors to Dubai, because in future you will/may have to have an alcohol licence to consume alcohol in the Emirate – even if you are only visiting for a day and fancy a glass of wine with your evening meal. Yep Euro 10 for a week and Euro 15 for a fortnight – and you can drink ‘till you fall’ and know that you will not be arrested. I should have taken a percentage of ‘revenues’ rather than the modest fee coming my way !!!! BUT remember the next time you are putting your hand in your pocket in Dubai to pay for the ‘right to drink’ ……………………….. the idea came from an Irishman !!!!!

And finally I had a lucky break last Monday. There I was wandering through the Al Qsar Hotel (saying ‘Salamalicum’ to all my friends when there before me appeared the ‘vision’. Yep this stunningly gorgeous female. Everything perfect. Yes EVERYTHING. And then a quick look to her left and there was this scruffy far less good looking guy. Not that this is surprising in Dubai. But this guy looked too young to have ‘the money’. Well how wrong I was. It was only when I met another friend of mine in the cafe and said to me ‘did you see him’ (and my reply ‘NO I saw HER !!!) ?? Thankfully the name Rory McIlroy did mean something to me. But I still don’t know her name !!! But whatever she did for him, he certainly looks good in China this week in his latest tournament.

Reflections from the week :
Now certain quarters of my readership are directing criticism at my apparent recent lack of focus and interest in the production of Home Thoughts. HOW unfair. Just because I have growing business commitments, does not mean that I do not regularly appreciate all of you and am conscious of the enormously high standards you expect from the fortnightly ‘masterpiece’. And so Mr Moore (ah he does not mean it, he is just as busy and committed to hard work as I am – but he does not produce a Blog and so it is easy to ‘point the finger’ !!!). But we will do some ‘revamping’ in the New Year. The current format was unfortunately imposed upon us through a mix of UAE Government ‘blog censorship’ and jealous hackers !!! So leave the New Year surprise to me

Now new to my ‘Irish bitch list’ is the general cost of having a car or transport in Ireland – which is enough to keep me using my Mum’s car (under deep disguise !!! Its a battered Yaris. Sorry Mum). First there is the petrol – 8 times the cost of Dubai, then road tax – 6 times that of Dubai (well for the larger cars anyhow), parking meters – 8 times, speeding fines – I know that should not happen, and certainly not in a Yaris, but it does – which at Euro 100 upwards is probably not expensive, until you have to pay them, add in the cost of tyres, servicing, insurance etc and you suddenly want to ‘walk’. And then there is ‘clamping’ – which is four times the cost of Dubai. Add to this taxi drivers who continue to conduct ‘legal theft’ and being ‘mobile’ in Ireland requires you have a high income job.

I was the recent ‘victim’ of the cruel clamping system in the country. Euro 120 + an insulting Euro 5 for having to pay with my credit card (not sure what other options were available to me), seemed like a very profitable business. Until this week operational figures were reported. Apparently Dublin County Council/Corporation pay out (this act of terrorism is outsourced) Euro 5 million per annum and the income side of this ‘trade’ is Euro 4.5 million. Yep a cool Euro 500,000 loss – despite the excessive enthusiasm of the ‘enforcers’.

And while on the subject of terrorism can I once again draw your attention to the greatest threat to ‘World Peace’. No NOT Sandra Bullock or even the American Tea Party (which will definitely be a candidate at some stage) but Iran and its crazy puppet leader Mahmoud Ahmadinijad. This modern day ‘Calilgula’ – the insane Roman Tyrant and Emperor for those of you unfamiliar with ‘scholastic pedigree’ – WILL end up as the architect of the greatest de-stabilisation of world peace. And unfortunately Home Thoughts does not have the recipe to avoid this Global disaster. So it is over to you guys in Mossad (that should get the hits on my site up this week) and Israel to control the nuclear objectives of this rogue and toxically dangerous State.

And finally before departing the world of terrorism, I have to include the very large sign that was ‘parked’ at the side of Irelands most active Motorway. It read ‘Golf is a passport for the lads to enjoy a dirty and unfaithful weekend, wake up girls’ and it was signed ‘a naive wife’. NOW, NOW, I say. Well it is a remarkable accusation that Irish husbands are going away for a dirty weekend with each other. I used to bring a woman but there’s no accounting for tastes.

I CANNOT let another week go by without issuing some service and thank you messages to Etihad Airlines. A lot of travel recently, made so much easier thanks to the wonderful staff ………………………… in Ireland. And despite the imminent option of using Emirates on the UAE/Dublin route, these ‘Etihad Kids’ have raised the bar and I am not (almost) a disciple. Lets hope I don’t become a Judas !! Like poor David B did last week when he was ‘downgraded’ from Business Class to Economy. I LOVE Etihad even more now. But seriously Kids, well done on recent performances.

I will shortly be giving you the Top 5 ‘destroyers’ and ‘makers’ of the Irish economy for 2011, so don’t forget to give me any suggestions you may have. Obviously the ‘Presstitutes’
of the Media will feature very heavily. Sometimes I wonder what their parents did to them as children. And if they had known what their children were going to turn out like, would they not have arranged some ‘silent terminations’. I mean if you knew your child was going to be a Vampire or Werewolf would you not feel compelled to act decisively – despite the bond between parent and mongrel !!!!

Kevin Cardiff (Irish Dept of Finance chief) was rejected by Europe for the new role as European Auditor General. ‘Unsuitable’ was the decision from Europe. COMPLETELY correct. THIS is the man who was at the centre of the Irish financial disaster (boss to the previous Banking Regulator, the guy who did not understand the difference between ‘liquidity’ and ‘solvency’, the guy who ‘allowed’ the Government guarantee of Irish banking debts to be signed, who ‘missed’ Euro 3.5 BILLION of Irish Government debt etc). In ANY private sector company no guy with these credentials would get a job anywhere other than as a father or husband at home (this man was going to get Euro 250k + pa). NO is the answer. Can you imagine if Sir Fred Goodwin (Royal Bank of Scotland) was given a job any place on the Planet. It is equally a crippling embarrassment for the Irish Government. A NATIONAL nominee (Cardiff had the FULL support for the role. The ONLY candidate for the job that had such backing). WHY was this man allowed to go forward for the job. WHAT was going on in the heads of the Irish Prime Minister (who is now starting to show some ‘intellectual weaknesses’). This man is ‘old school’ and has a CV that a drunk in your local pub would be embarrassed by.
It is REALLY time that accountability becomes the culture in the Irish Public and Civil Service. Time to control the guys who ‘really control’ the Governmental agenda. The guys who have looked after themselves over the decades. Even today when Government has told Irish Taxpayers that there is a) a reduction in Civil/Public Service numbers and b) there are pay freezes across this elite population of people, the Irish States annual pay bill is RISING by EURO 250,000,0000 per annum. Yep. WHAT a load of c*ap. Time for some revisions of the Croke Park Agreement (a remuneration and productivity pact signed by the previous Government – but then we ALL know that ALL Governments are controlled by the Depts of Government. And guess what their agenda is) !!!

Did you know that the Greeks get paid on the basis of a 14 month year ? And that there are 22 professions (accounting for 34% of the working population) that can retire on full benefits after 15 years of work.. 40% of the working population are in the Public Sector (God Bless them, we know how they have ‘helped’ Ireland get into the toilet). It is estimated that the only 50% of taxes that are due are actually collected by the Government – Greece has the highest tax evasion rate in Europe. 2011 tax receipts for Greece will be Euro 48 billion – about 1.5 times that of Ireland. The Greek population is 11 million – 2.5 times the numbers in Ireland. The working population of Greece is 5.2 million – nearly 2.5 times that of Ireland. And here is one you will love. In 2008 Greece’s GDP or income per capita was 97% of that of France. Greece, despite its debt woes, has a Top 20 place in World Standard of Living Index. Yep is it any wonder that country is in trouble. Oh and by the way, the Greeks defaulted on their National Debt FOUR times in the 1800’s. So as they say ‘Timeo Danaos cum they are in debt’ – beware of Greeks ……..

Finally my spirits were lifted this week with the announcement that scientists are on the verge of launching a drug or jab that will result in us (guys) being able to lose up to 40% of our body fat in just one month. And better still, it attacks fat in the ‘belly area’ first. So goodbye GYM. And did you know that it is estimated that there will be 2.3 billion obese people on the Planet by 2015 – which is a shocker given that you don’t see too many fat Chinese

Finally finally I just wish somebody would invent a pill that would save me from my X Factor addiction. And if not can ITV/TV3 not screen it on a different night rather than prime time Saturday and Sunday. Also can somebody give Janet Devlin (yes I do love her voice) a bit of loving personality. God Bless whoever she finally marries. Although this ‘chosen one’ will probably not have to earn too much to survive and he can be serenaded to sleep, he will have to cope with a precocious spoilt kid who lacks warmth. Regrettable.

Boring event or person of the fortnight :
As an avid follower of many TV talent shows unfortunately I have to make Gary Barlow my ‘Bore of the fortnight’. This smug, egotistical, over-rated ‘stick insect’, just gets worse by the week. And unfortunately he is on the same judging panel as another of the Planets, GREAT oxygen-wasters, Louis Walsh.
Fun Corner
A guy survives a plane crash and finds himself on a desert island with the only other survivor, a dog. He thinks, “this isn’t too bad”. The island has spring water and food, even wild pigs and he makes a shelter and takes the dog for walks around the beaches.
As the days pass the guy starts to get horny as hell and sets upon the idea of fucking one of the wild pigs. Lets face it, a dog is a man’s best friend, he’s out of the running. The problem is every time he gets his trousers off anywhere near a pig the dog goes crazy and starts biting at the guys legs and the pig runs away.
Several days of this go by and the guy is starting to give up hope. The next morning the guy wakes, looks out to sea and cant believe his eyes. He sees an exhausted but beautiful blonde girl, barely swimming, trying to get to the island.
The guy immediately swims out and brings her into shore, coughing and spluttering. Once she has her breath back she throws herself on her knees thanking the guy and says, “My god, you saved me! Please is there anything I can do to repay you. Anything!”
The guy is so horny he cant help him self and immediately says, “There sure is!! Please can you hold my dog for a minute.’’

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, “Give it a shot, father.”
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, “Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!”
The priest says, “Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?”
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), “I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called—a sonofabitch!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the priest. “I didn’t know.”
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. “Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!”
“Please father,” says the bishop. “Mind your language, this is a house of God.”
“No, you don’t understand,” says the priest. “That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!”
“Hmmm,” says the bishop. “You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.”
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
“Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?”
“My lord, what language!” says the mother.
“No, sister,” says the bishop. “That’s what the fish is called—a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it”
“Hmmm,” replies Mother Superior. “Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight.”
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
“I caught the sonofabitch!” says the priest.
“And I cleaned the sonofabitch!” says the bishop.
“And I cooked the sonofabitch!” says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, “You know, you fuckers are all right.”

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, ‘Congratulations!’ ‘Congratulations for what?’ asks the lawyer. ‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.’ ‘But that’s not true,’ says the lawyer. ‘I only lived to be forty.’ ‘That’s impossible,’ replies Saint Peter. ‘We’ve added up your time sheets.’

A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat. While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat. The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God! Help me, help me!’ His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter. The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting! I’m melting…!

A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder. After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted. The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’. The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.

A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ ‘I’m a chiropractor,’ says the man. ‘I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.’ ‘Well f**k off, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me do you ?.

An old one but still funny
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!

And for my more prudish readers ………………. please SKIP the next one

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,
“I’m pregnant.”

He asked, “How did this happen, my child?”

She said, “I think it must be the second coming.”

The priest, shocked by this reply asked,
“What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?”

She replied, “Because I swallowed the first one…”

Currency Corner:
Well what an awful week for the Euro. And we are now just on the level I predicted for year end. I don’t think there are many more headwinds for the currency as we move into the final 5 weeks of the year. But then WHO would have predicted that Germany would have had a disappointing Bond auction this week – although part of the reason for failure was the aggressive pricing.
And as the US struggles with its own debt debate, I am not sure its currency won’t come under some pricing pressures. So I would suggest the beneficiary currencies from this will be the Aussie $ and Sterling. Both of which I think will gain value in the weeks ahead.
Equity Corner :
And so the Global Equity melt down has got into full swing. Exceptionally difficult to make money. And when luck plays a large role in success, its time to stay in bed. But it is unlikely that December will also be bad and therein lies some profit opportunity.
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, many company share prices have fallen with the markets. The fundamental values have been ignored in the dash for cash. But the day of ‘realisation’ will happen and the bargains will make us all look silly for not having done something. And so here is a 6 week list (to take us over the 2012 New Year) – Man Group (yes I know I have tipped it before but after good results and the share buy back scheme now in place, the selling is well over-done) @ £ 1.25 is a bargain – and we can expect a takeover bid in the medium term if the price stays in this region. Aviva @ £2.80 also looks good value and finally I have to tip Invensys @ £1.83 – a definite takeover target for 2012.