Home Thoughts From Dubai

Did you know :
a) one quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet !! b) there is more bacterian in your mouth than the human population of the USA and Canada combined – so be REALLY careful who you kiss (yuk that really turns me off kissing……….. on the mouth !!) c)the first bar code was used on Wrigleys gum d) The Burramundy fish grows up as a male, but after two years it turns out into a female – thank God humans are not like that. I mean after two years all us guys would have to start ironing, cooking and child bearing. NO THANK YOU. And e) eating breakfast will help you burn 5 to 20% more calories per day.
Thoughts for the week :
a) learn from your parents mistakes, use birth control b) living can sometimes be the best revenge !! c) the lottery is a tax on those who are very bad at maths d) Men are on earth. Women are on earth. Get over it !! and e) Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it ???

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
As we go into the ‘big’ Eid holiday and Dubai winds down for 5 days, the Emirate has had a good 10 months in 2011. Its stock market is up 20% (and more importantly there has been increases in volume and evidence of an increase in overseas buyers), property prices in some locations (Palm Jumeirah in particular) have seen a 25% price increase, there has been another oil find (which when it comes on stream will yield a sleek $10 million per day) , Government finances are back under control and Dubai has been welcomed back into the Global Capital Markets where it can access funding at just 120 basis points, new company registrations are up 14%, there will be a budget surplus the year (yes even after increases in loan funding costs) and finally residential visa’s are up a massive 21%. Yep Dubai is back as one of the wonderful economies in the world ……………. but don’t expect to read about that in the gutter tabloid UK Press – because as we all know THEY only like funerals. Bless them. But then they are many funerals to write about around the world (Greece, the Euro, Global recession, Pippa’s ass being under ‘pressure’ etc) that are sexier than challenging (or being able to apologise) the Dubai recovery story.
IF the Global economies can prevent themselves from sliding into a deep recession (or worse depression or stag-flation), then one can expect the UAE to have another wonderful year in 2012.

A quick word on the broader ‘Arab World’. The Western powers will need to be careful and rebuild relationships with the ‘new leaders’ who emerge from the ‘Arab Spring’. In many cases these new Leaders will be ideologically (not just religiously) different than their predecessors, something that will create many new conflicts for the West. Even Libya, newly liberated, with a not insignificant contribution from European Powers, will soon show signs of wanting to reduce and minimise Western involvement – and one will probably see a move towards Russian and Chinese assistance (two countries that did NOT assist in the liberation). But that is all AFTER the civil war that now needs to be part of the country’s eventual transition to a very wealthy and powerful Arab democracy. Egypt is another major and influential country that is likely to fall into the more extremist Muslim hands – something more for Israel to be concerned about.
But the UAE has benefitted greatly from all the unrest. As I have said many times before there was not so much as a ‘bonfire’ to express dissatisfaction with Sheikh Mohammad or Sheikh Khaliffa (or the leaders of the other 5 Emirates) – a testimony to their correct form of leadership and ‘sharing’ of the country’s wealth.

Reflections from the week :
As we told you four weeks ago, last Monday saw the arrival of the 7 billionth person on the Planet. Now rather than being a ‘happy’ moment, this exciting event has given rise to a Planetary War. Yep India, Britain, Greece (again !!) and Russia all claim their country had the 7 billionth human. However despite all their protestations the United Nations has given the ‘prize’ to the Philippians – a little 7 pound girl who received a ‘shoe certificate’ (I think that mean ‘pair of shoes’) and a cake (chocolate) from the UN. That however will probably be the last time Danica May is likely to hear from the UN. Ask the 5th billionth baby (from Croatia) and the 6th billionth (from Bosnia), they have heard nothing from the UN since their celebration many years ago.
For those of you interested, the 8 billionth human is expected to hit the Planet by the year 2027. Yes just 16 years time. The ‘net’ (births netted with deaths) population of the world grows by on average 80 million every year. The ‘peak’ year for birth ‘growth rate’ over the past century was 1963 (remember growth rate is the number of ‘net’ births divided by the then population) – the year President John Kennedy was assassinated. And between 1959 and 1999 the world’s population doubled from 3 to 6 billion – yep in just forty years. Any wonder food is the industry sector to be in.

One person to die over the past 10 days was old TV and radio icon, Jimmy Saville. His death brought great sadness to the millions who he entertained over the decades on UK radio and TV. A wonderfully charismatic and infectiously happy man who lived life to the full until his sad death at the ‘young’ age of 85 (well two days short). He will be best known for Top of the Pops and Jim’ll Fix It but also was a wonderful contributor to charitable causes – he took part in 300 + professional bike races, 210 + marathons and 107 pro fights. All money, estimated at over £45 million over his life, went to charity. He got (if that is the right word) an OBE (1971) and was knighted (by both the British Queen AND the Vatican) in 1990. He was born in Leeds. God bless him … on two counts !!! We will always remember you Jimmy …………… and that big mop of white hair !!

Now a little of my favourite subject. How many times do we hear the pub or business lunch bitch about banks and how they are ‘not lending’. How often ? And once again the banks and the staff that are only implementing policy are the victims of hate. HOW often do I have to tell you that it is the Dept of Finance, the Central Bank AND the Regulator who are responsible for the Irish banks not being able to lend (the foreign banks have no interest in increasing their exposures to Ireland’s broken economy). Yep it is their rules and regulatory ratio’s that leave banks with no choice but to shrink their loan books. Which in case you do not get it, means they cannot lend. At least not until they meet the operating balance sheet demands (loan to deposit ratio etc) imposed on them. So it is completely disingenuous of Government to complain when the banking system is not providing working/investment capital to the economy. So PLEASE. The Richie Bouchers and others are doing their best. Direct your anger where it is deserved.
On an aside it would also be nice if the Government could re-approach the EU and get permission for a new bank to be created (if necessary Government owned). NEVER has there been a such an economic need of such enormous scale. Too much or inappropriately timed Regulation = no meaningful new credit

And while on the subject of banks, I see Willie McAteer the former Finance Director of Anglo Irish Bank (now IBRC – so change your email addresses) was arrested. Again. That’s twice in three years !!! But then released after just a few hours. As it was last time. Or maybe this time he was going ‘States witness’ (any bets ???). In which case I would not like to be his former boss Seannie Fitzpatrick. If anybody knew what the ‘truth’ was then Willie is the man ………. unless of course his memory is ‘fuzzy’. But the incident reminded me of the ‘joke’ that used to do the banking circuit back in the mid 1990’s. It went something along the lines ‘how would someone recognise Willie McAteer’ ? And the answer was ‘by his shoes ……………………… and the rest of him is so far up Seannie Fitz’s ar*e’ !!! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ah well lets hope there is some progress in this sad reflection of the Irish Criminal Law System. It is now into its fourth year …………… and some of these people responsible for the economic destruction of this wonderful country, need to be seen to have paid a price. Are you listening Mr F …………….. no NOT the one at Anglo (sorry IBRC) …. the one at the Building Society !!!!
And did you ever wonder why elected officials ALWAYS seem to fall well short of the promise they had before you elected them ?? Look at Barack Obama. Three years on and another American Presidential failure (he will probably get re-elected for reasons of no competition rather than on merit). And do you remember that tear provoking inaugural speech of him. Martin Lutherish in quality, substance and delivery. And now he is the victim of what exists in every Governmental apparatus. You see it does not matter who you or I vote into office. The people who ran the country previously are STILL there. The reasons you vote one person out of power, is irrelevant. Because the person replacing him/her, is going to be ‘controlled’ by the same cancerous people (and thinking) in the various Government Departments. These people unfortunately do NOT go. They are there to ensure that any ‘new thinking’ or ‘new promise’ or ‘new hope’ or ‘new initiatives’, have NO chance of happening. Yep. Perhaps when new elections happen ‘these people’ should also depart their office. Maybe we could come up with an arrangement with the Private Sector that up to 500 of them would be taken by them until there is another change of Government (or President). It would be a small price for the Private Sector to take. And it would only work out as 2 or 3 per (private sector) company. And think of the enormous economic benefits. If this does not work, lets just give them overpaid jobs as parking wardens or garbage collectors.

And while I am in ‘bitch mode’ WHAT a nerve these people on the Gaza bound boat doing asking for the Irish Government to intervene and INSIST that they are allowed to deliver their cargo to Palestine. I am sorry, much and all as I sympathise with the Palestinians (and have many Palestinian friends in Dubai – including my bank manager !!), these activists fully understood that this situation was going to happen and the consequences. So please NO Irish Government intervention. These are just attention seeking people with nothing better to do. WHY don’t they take on the more risky crusade of trying to assist the tortured and suppressed majority in Iran. Or the thousands that are being murdered in Syria. Reason ? Well their lives are not at stake on the Palestinian voyage. Sorry I have sympathy for the Palestinians but NOT for attention seeking activists. Many of whom could not show you precisely where Palestine is on a map of the Middle East !!!

Now Mum. A ‘your section’. Did you know that the average ‘modern’ woman will go through 30 hairstyles in her lifetime ? Really. Only thirty was my first reaction. And then the thought or benefit of having been with 30 women, really appealed to me!!!
And here is a story I liked from the Czech Republic. No, it has nothing to do with women … although I hear they are very beautiful in that country, Mum ……. and Jo !! It involves a football match where the REFEREE was arrested by police. No, NOT before the game. During it. The police in the stadium, were forced to breathalyse him after a) the ref ‘fell over’ a number of times in the first half b) then sent three players off from the home team for questioning ‘if he was alright’ and c) with the match in disarray the visiting team agreed NOT to attack their 8 man opposition and the match finished 1-1. When the police arrested him he was NINE times over the drink driving limit …….. yes he had driven to the match. He will now be banned for 12 months ……………… for driving while drunk. The Czech FA has not decided yet what action to take !!!!
And I constantly attempt to bring state of the moment beauty products to you, I am about to start large queues outside Boots chemists. Apparently the pharmacy group has a new beauty serum that rejuvenates the skin cells. And this product has one a Nobel Prize …………. how I don’t know. Anyhow off you go everybody and get yourself some. It is called Bioeffect EGF serum. And wait to you see how you look in a months time. Oh one little point I forgot to mention. If you are on the ‘average wage’ I would not make the journey to your nearest Boots. It costs £125 for a tablespoon sized bottle. Making an ounce more expensive than an ounce of diamonds !!
Now only my female readers will know who Kim Kardashian is. She is America’s biggest reality TV star, Guys. And she got married to some famous, and equally beautiful (if you are a girl) star from the basketball world, on August 20th. 2011, that is. A wedding that cost $ 4 million but because of who they were they earned $ 22 million from endorsements and other related publicity stunts. Well it is now all over. Not the wedding, stupid. The marriage. Yep after just 72 days. Well you know what they say about selfish lovers !!!!
Now Mum. This is the last part for you. But if you had to come back as somebody in the next life, who would it be ? Well a recent poll but HarperCollins of 10,000 people resulted in Audrey Hepburn. Now there is a surprise. Breakfast at Tiffiny’s obviously had greater impact than I thought. Albert Einstein was second and Winston Churchill third. Just goes to show how ‘rubbish’ HarperCollins polls are. Sure would’nt I want to come back as Brian O Driscoll and you Mum (?) Doris Day !!!!
Well thats all Folks except
Finally poignant log pages showing desperate SOS calls from the Titanic before she sank and will be put to auction this week – just ahead of the centenary next year.
Finally finally stress has overtaken pains, aches, colds etc as the most used excuse for taking time off work. Well how about the stress of not having a job. So get back to work you ungrateful idiots.

Boring event or person of the fortnight :
Its a real toss up between the American and British X Factor. Is Simon Cowell’s golden touch in decline ? Well while Louis Walsh has to be one of the most boring Irish guys on British TV (cringe factor of 10+), I think the American panel win by a stretch. Whatever that woman from Pussycat Dolls has for breakfast or whatever she puts in her pants, I have never seen something a close to a walking mannequin. And as for LA Reed – f**k I wonder what he traded his brain and personality for when he was young. A real waste of oxygen.

Fun Corner

I just love these. Thanks to Kerrigan who is just a wonderful source for Fun Corner. So I will thank him on behalf of all of us

1. The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself “She’s going through the change.”
2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist berks. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!
3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, “Where is Pakistan?” He replies, “Outside playing with Paki-Dave”.
4. Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
5. Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
8. Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”
10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

IN Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen..* ****

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one..*
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned
‘stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.*
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ‘You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.’

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, ‘Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.’

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.’

Paddy replied, ‘No it ain’t, Mick. It’s not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.’

An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge…?”

Paddy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in County Galway when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..
The driver, a young man in a Saville Row suit, Gucci shoes, RayBans and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Paddy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany …
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Paddy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Paddy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a T.D. for the Irish Government”, says Paddy .
“That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of euros worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep… Now give me back my fuckin’ dog

NO NURSING HOME FOR me!!!
No nursing home for us. We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap £5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There’s a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Scotland ? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Currency Corner:
Well despite the best attempts of the psychotically disturbed Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou to destabilise the Euro, it looks like the crisis is over. Well at least until this man can banish the demons from his head ……………………. or his own Party ‘behead’ him. Appalling leadership and stewardship. The only good part of it all was to see Sarkozy and Merkal all upset, frustrated and furious.
Anyhow the Euro/$ which had run ahead of itself, rapidly fell back to the 1.36 level. Now at 1.38, I think the markets will revert to more serious issues. And the new ECB President Mario Draghi (great name for a political figure ……… but then that’s Italy for you) has immediately put his ‘foot in the game’ with a 25 basis point reduction in interest rates (how the banks with Tracker mortgage books must HATE him) and more to come. So I expect the Euro to weaken again next week and stay in the 1.34 to 1.39 range for the next six months. THAT is surely enough to make sure it does NOT happen

And this week finally saw my US$/Yen prediction happen. I told you it would be over a weekend and while nobody expected it. Well when we all woke up in Europe last Monday morning there had been a 5% move over the Friday closing price. Nice. And given that it has since fallen back to 78, I would expect a price of 80/82 over the next two months.
Equity Corner :
I had such an intelligent paragraph written on this section before I had a ‘computer gremlin’ hit my
computer. Now you will have to do with the shortened version. Essentially the markets are being driven by political incompetence and rumour/counter rumour at the moment. In this mayhem, there are some shares that have been unfairly treated. And so this week I am going to give you two shares that I believe are take over targets over the next SIX months (yep sorry but picking stocks for the short term in this market is a fools game). So here goes Man Group (ticker emg) at £1.40 after much better than expected results this week and a complete destruction of the share price over the past two months AND Invensys (ticker ??) @ £2.25 again after good results this week. So off you go and I will see you in six months !!! Although I suspect you will be back to me before then !!!