Home Thoughts From Dubai

Did you know : a) the picture that decorates the Nobel Peace Prize medal is of three naked men with their hands on each other’s ……… shoulders b) apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings c) opposite sides of the dice cube always add up to seven. D) the original name of the ‘butterfly’ was ‘flutterby’ and e) the US State of Florida is larger than the country of England.

Thoughts for the week : a) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same b)
My wife and I married for better or worse. She couldn’t do better. I couldn’t do worse c) when blondes have more fun, do they know it !!! d) where there is smoke, there is dinner and e) few women admit their age. Fewer men act theirs

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
Dubai continues to ‘selectively’ clamp down on illegal law breakers/illegal workers. There have been 205 ‘convictions’ (same as the number arrested – just the system) so far in 2011. Street vending, beggars and car washing are the most ‘prominent’ category of those arrested. Also on the list are ‘butchers’ (well the ones that sell meat) and fish mongers. NO home help or cleaners. So there must be none. Right ??? And as well are there are NONE, the Dubai Labour Dept continue to make it near impossible to give new visas to legitimate cleaning companies. Yes, like Pretty Polly. Such is life in Dubai.
And then there are the road traffic violators. Despite numerous road safety campaigns, young (Emirati) drivers do not seem to get the message. Of the 375 who died on the roads of AD last year 77.3% were under 30 years old. And most of the accidents were due to speeding. Now there is a surprise. At least the return of traffic congestion in Dubai has sobered some of the ‘drag speedsters’ and deaths on the Dubai roads fell 8% in 2010.
On the inflation front, there will be another major dip in 2011 with an outcome of 2.5% now expected. While property and transport inflation have fallen, unfortunately food inflation remains upward in direction.
And finally on the UAE there have been 1.5 million identity cards issued over the past 8 months. These are new identity cards, which electronically store EVERY piece of information on you including you DNA and eye iris, which everybody living in the UAE MUST have by the end of the first quarter of 2012.

Reflections from the week :
Let me start with a few cheers in the field of sport. First congrats to the Irish Rugby team for defeating my old Aussie friends. A truly wonderful performance. A result that delivered me a wonderful opportunity to chat to all my Aussie friends – on my new cheap Tesco mobile. Strange how the Aussie’s take sport so seriously.
But despite the greatness of this performance in New Zealand, it was nothing to the wonderfulness, drama and excitement of the All Ireland Football final. Yes it was only won in the final 10 seconds. And the score was delivered by the Dublin goalkeeper (a gaelic football pitch is 140 meters long – over 40% longer than a soccer pitch ). Four points behind with 7 minutes to play against the strongest team in Ireland. Oh yes I forgot, Dublin were playing Kerry. And they (well WE) won. What tension. What drama. What intensity. What a dream come true. 84,000 spectators saw what was probably the best All Ireland ever. But I guess there are a ‘few’ guys (and gals) in Kerry who might disagree with this. They will however remember ‘Black’ Sunday – September 18th

If you were asked how many (Catholic) Saints there are what would be your guess. Or maybe you know. But go on. How many ? Well this answer surprised me. There are over 11,000. And I thought this was a special type of person. Just as well our churches are not obliged to have a statue for each one.
For some of us it might be interesting to know that the Anglican Church/Communion only has ONE Saint – King Charles 1 of England (HOW can a king be a Saint !!). Now HE was obviously special.

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Parker from New York. It is a nice coincidence that both these wonderful and happily married people share the same birthday – July 19th. And NOW their first born, a son (Mason), who was born just a few weeks ago did the SAME. Yes he was born on the SAME day (yes I know, NOT the same year) as his parents. He did leave it late however. Just 24 minutes before midnight – which would have brought him into the ‘wrong’ day. But what a GREAT day July 19th will be in the Parker household. For those of you interested the odd’s of this happening are 366,000 to 1. While I suppose you could ‘manufacture’ this wonderful event, I would have thought the odd’s would be far greater.

Sinn Fein had its annual ‘think in’ recently. WHY is it that politicians have to speak more often than they have something worthwhile to say. And WHY do they feel they have to make comments on the financial aspects of the economy when they obviously have no talent, capability or knowledge on the subject. This group of former terrorists expressed as much knowledge about finance, the Euro, Economics and banking as I would expect from a microwave. Or maybe that is being a bit unfair ….. to the microwave. But at least donkeys don’t win Derby’s. And hopefully the same applies to National Elections. I mean can you imagine your 5 year old niece or nephew in charge of air traffic control at a major international airport !!! Yep I think you get the picture.

Somebody else ‘acting the piss’ during the last week was well known (and in some quarters, respected) French actor Gerard Depardieu. Apparently Gheeree (to use his French ‘name’) waiting for a flight to leave the runway at Dublin airport when ‘nature called’. Obviously the crew instructed that under NO circumstances that he should unbuckle his seat belt, let alone attempt to carry his not ‘under-invested’ body to the loo. And so the dilemma. Pressure building and increasing pain. And then a friend to the rescue. His fellow passenger offered an empty bottle that ‘might help’ with the relief mission. What this good Samaritan passenger did not realise was that Gheeree had a little more in the tank than ‘the bottle’ was capable of holding. And so our (big) Gheeree proceeded to ‘overflow’ the bottles capacity, onto the floor …………………. which ‘pool’ I presume picked up pace through as the plane ascended to 30,000 feet. I am presuming that Mr Depardieu was towards the front of the aircraft and that the overflow was as large as his body. In which case ‘the stream’ was probably more a ‘river’.

Now it is always nice to see how the ‘other 1% on the Planet’ live. Well let’s specifically concentrate on those who own yachts. Well super yachts. Here are some samples of what you can expect to see on these ‘trinket’ assets. Take Paul Allen from Microsoft whose 414 ft ‘boat’ has a basketball court. The Sultan of Oman (Sultan Quboos) has a full concert hall which has the capacity to host a 50 piece symphony orchestra. And you cannot talk about yachts with bringing Roman Abramovich (Chelsea’s Russian owner) into the gossip. Well his ‘sea house’, the Eclipse, which cost a ‘bargain’ £665 million has a submarine and an aquarium. And this one I LOVE. A new 510 footer (again owned by Roman) will have a ‘mini Grand Prix track’ AND ‘mini’ versions of (Monaco’s) landmark buildings – Hotel de Paris and Monte Carlo Casino. YES on a BOAT. And that is before I go anywhere near the boat which our own Sheikh Mohammad owns – which is taller than a 25 story skyscraper. A bargain at $400 million
Well I guess I

And while on expensive things, Irelands most expensive house has fallen by 75% in value. Yep I guess that says a lot about ‘the minds’ of Irish businessmen in 2003. At the time it cost Euro 58 million (Shrewsbury Road) and now it for sale ……………….. at a Euro 43 million DISCOUNT. Yep you would feel a bit sick if you had been the last buyer …………….. who is believed to have been by the litigious and not very pleasant Sean Dunne. Apparently the house also needs some ‘paint and upgrade’. But that is unlikely to cost more than Euro 2 million.

Now a new pet hate for me. Irish taxi’s. No not their dress sense or their sense of conversation. No it is all to do with pricing. Are Irish taxis the MOST expensive on the Planet. Would not be surprising given Irelands struggle to re-price downwards as a result of the excesses during the silly Celtic Tiger days. Even taxi’s in London or Paris are cheaper than these cheeky drivers who just hand you a price list approved by the Irish Taxi Regulator if you challenge the fare. And so practices such as charging you one extra Euro for every passenger above 1 that gets into the cab. WHERE else does such a stupid practice exist. So if there are four of you, it will be THREE extra Euro on top of an already extortionate Euro 4.45 starting price. Sorry taxi drivers, its time that your pricing party is brought into line with other income/pricing sacrifices being made in the Country.

Another ‘hatred’ I have relates to Michael Fingleton – the previous CEO of the bankrupted Irish Nationwide Bank. He ran this like a personal business and the use of the word bank on the business was as accurate as it would be to suggest that Ahmedinijad from Iran is a saintly humanitarian. Anyhow Fingers (as he was affectionately known by the girls in ‘the Bank’) was not in court this week to hear an unfair dismissal case. Strange. Why was he not defending his old employer. Well it seems that he had to attend a court hearing ‘in a foreign land’. But nobody knows what he was doing in a foreign court. Hopefully the complainant or prosecutor will have greater success in getting this great ‘financial Houdini’ behind bars or at a minimum pay for some of his financial sins ………….. and cost to the Irish taxpayer. HOW this man seems to avoid ‘legal or journalistic’ attention in Ireland is beyond me. It is also surprising why Shane Ross NEVER mentions or criticises Mr Fingleton ……………… given Mr Rosses boring but unending attack on banks. Has Fingers got some ‘photo’s’ on our Shaney !!!

Another Donkey that has left devastation in his wake is former Irish Prime Minister Brian Clown. Not only has he committed (economic) Crimes against his people, but now it seems he has destroyed his (Fianna Fail) Party. A once powerhouse of Irish
Mercozy. Yes you GOT it, the ugly duo from France and Spain still remain in their own brainless world of economics. And in so doing are actually inflicting greater damage on their own economies than it would cost if they were to increase the ‘crisis’ reserve funding for their less financially strong sisters !! Greece WILL default. Home Thoughts told you this 15 months ago. The impact will now be armageddonish. And as the credit markets move towards a full freeze, something that would destroy most economies on the Planet ……………… and you can expect 40% written off equity values world wide.
Also remember it is in NO Governments interest to have stock markets in decline.
I am also tiring of the debate, by the ‘Barbie hearted’ of Ireland who seem to believe that any householder who has a problem in meeting his/her mortgage repayments, should have a component of this debt ‘forgiven’. What complete and utter bull-shit. There are so many more viable, and fair, options to this financial problem. I have lived through and studied ‘negative equity’ in more than 10 countries/periods around the world. NEVER do Governments force the banks to take write offs. This entire stupid debate about debt forgiveness for mortgage obligants infuriates me. What about 30 and 40 year mortgages. Solves the problem and DON’T please let the Government or Regulator be bullied into feeling that it is ‘smoke screening’ the issue. Also how would these ‘Barbie softies’ feel if the Government introduced a tax or levy to cover for the resulting losses (and loss of capital) in the bank balance sheets. How would these idiots feel then. And this levy raising is something that the Irish Government has used frequently when the insurance industry has let them down.

Sticking with matters of mis/non Governance, the dignity of the office of Irish Presidency has been destroyed by the farcical circus that has surrounded it. A complete sham. And not any candidate that the people of Ireland can be proud of in the way they have been with the two previous holders of the Presidency – Mary McAleese and Mary Robinson. No matter who wins the election in late October that person will be of an embarrassingly lower calibre. Shame.

Finally which would you prefer – to never be forgotten or always be remembered. Hehehehe. Difficult eh ???
Finally finally For those of you who want to test your powers of concentration or observance go to the Invisible Gorrilla dot com website over the weekend and have some fun. I of course spoilt the experience for myself by hearing about what to expect first. Something I would NOT do to you my cherished readers.

Boring event or person of the Holiday :
It has to be the Newstalk journalists who just seem intent on talking down Ireland, its Government and the entire Nations attempt to get its economic feet back on the ground. A curse and shame on them all ………………… yes Ivan Yates, George Hook (who has to be the MOST sulky, arrogant and opinionated bully on the Irish media airways) etc etc. Overpaid Grim Reapers who are only happy when they are ‘destroying rather than building’. OH and Mr Joe Duffy (RTE) you are the WORST

Fun Corner
Subject: WOMAN’S POEM
Date: Sun, 18 Sep 2011 12:16:04 +0100

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep.
One whose handsome, smart and strong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who will call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed so when I
spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens the door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
O’h send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me no end
And always be my very best friend.

Now for
MAN’S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who own’s an off licence, a boat and golf course.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit….

An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.’’

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

> > MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men…are men.

The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”

The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”

Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.

Subject: A little paper bag !!!

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.

‘Doctor, I don’t feel too good,’ said the little Paper bag.

‘Hmm, you look OK to me,’ said the Doctor, ‘but I’ll do a blood test
and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.’

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
‘What’s wrong with me?’ asked the little paper bag.

‘I’m afraid you are HIV positive!’ said the doctor.

‘No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag!’ Said the little paper
bag.

‘Have you been having unprotected sex?’ asked the doctor.

‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?’
asked the doctor.

‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood
transfusion?’ queried the doctor.

‘NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Well’, said the doctor, ‘are you in a homosexual Relationship?’

‘NO! I told you I can’t do things like that, I’m Just a little paper
bag!’

‘Then there can be only one explanation.’ said the doctor

SCROLL DOWN (for real this time)

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>’Your mother must have been a carrier’

Sharing of marriage…
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain
hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered —

‘THE TEETH.’

Before and After Marriage :
Before Marriage
John : Ah …. at last, I can hardly wait
Jane : Do you want me to leave
John : NO ! Don’t even think about it
Jane : Do you love me ?
John: Of course ! Always have and always will !
Jane : Have you ever cheated on me ?
John : NO ! Why are you even asking ?
Jane : Will you kiss me ?
John : Every chance I get !
Jane: Will you hit me ?
John: Hell no ! Are you crazy ?!
Jane : Can I trust you ?
John: YES
Jane: Darling !!
After Marriage
Read from the bottom back to the top
And now for an ‘elder’ couple (well 75 +)
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts…..

Claude was thinking: ‘If I’d known she was still a virgin, I’d have been gentler.’
Maude was thinking: ‘If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken my tights off ‘
And for those who think they know everything ………………
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
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No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead…I’ll wait…
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Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
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You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
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The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
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The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
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American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olivefrom each salad served in first-class.
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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
(That women are going the ‘right’ direction…?)
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Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
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Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN !
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The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first ‘ Marlboro Man’.
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Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
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PEARLS DISSOLVE
IN VINEGAR !
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The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola , and Budweiser, in that order.
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It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…
but, not downstairs.

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A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
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And the best for last….
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don’t YOU ?)

So…………………..

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on……and go move your toothbrush !!!

Currency Corner:
Yep the Euro is where you would expect it. In the toilet. No surprise given the circus going on over ‘will they, won’t they’ ? Will Greece be able to convince its Euro sisters that it WILL be able to meet all the IMF/EU crisis loan conditions. And will German and French ‘clowns’ really appreciate that you have to stop ‘kicking the problem down the road’. Action is needed now.
Anyhow its not as if the US economy is in world class health. But such is the fear of Europe that the $ is benefitting. Or is having a strong currency, ‘a benefit’. Expect this position to continue short term.
My ‘platinum’ tip on currencies is buy the US$ against the Yen.
Equity Corner :
Well you don’t need me to tell you that we are going through ‘sensitive times’ in global stock markets. While there are varying reasons given – Greece, the Euro, US debt etc – the most dangerous event that could COMPLETELY derail equities across all bourses is a freezing of credit markets globally. The Global economy, as much as local economies, need a fully functioning and healthy banking system. Like it or not, banks are the established channel for ‘churning’ money around the economies of the world. IF banks and other financial companies stop trusting each other then a central pillar of how the capitalist world works is punctured. With DIRE consequences. When this happened in 2008 the Governments of the world were seen as credit worthy and they put themselves into the role of ‘economy stimulators’. Unfortunately this cannot be the case this time, since most Sovereigns are now seen to be over-borrowed and are having to reduce their debt levels.
So THIS to me is the GREATEST risk we all run.
Apart from that I think equities will stabilise and there will be some bargain valuations on which we can build a Christmas war-chest. But not this week.
Next week I recommend (with moderate confidence) HSBC (£4.88) – despite being in the ‘financial space’ I think it is oversold given its global spread (particularly Asia)
In the possible takeover shop, I think you should have a look at Invensys or Man Plc (if it goes under £2.05).