Home Thoughts From Dubai

Did you know : a) 1.3 m Earth’s would fit into the Sun b) the ‘land mass’ of San Francisco is 49 sq miles and has a population of 800,000 (yep I also thought it was more) c) a rat can last longer without water than a camel d) a raison dropped into a glass of fresh champagne will bounce continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top until the bubbles expire (I can just see you all rushing to try this one) and e) the first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springstein’s ‘Born in the USA’
Thoughts for the week : a) I am not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example b) my toilet paper packaging says “recycled” ffs sake gimme a break c) Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot d) Dear Santa; I want a big fat bank account and a slim body………AND PLEASE DON’T MIX THEM UP LIKE YOU DID LAST YEAR.

General Reflections from 2011 :
Now I will keep the first HT of the New Year short. I know you are only gently getting back into full flight and you have probably read enough about the happenings of 2011 through exhaustive coverage on TV and in the Media. I am currently working on some upgrades to the site and will also change the format for you over the next couple of months. You know what they say about ‘familiarity’ !!!! Although the ‘happy marriages’ (see those two words CAN be used together !!) of so many of my friends (and Jo and me of course) suggest that I could probably stick with the current formatting and you would still love the Blog !!
So ‘gentle’ is the theme of the week. But before that just one important ‘housekeeping credit’ for 2011.
To my DEAR DEAR friends at Etihad what a Wonderful airline you are. And on this occasion it is the ENTIRE team right up to the COO in Abu Dhabi. Another wonderful showing recently which resulted in me being given a special invitation into the FIRST CLASS lounge at AD airport. And what a wonderful experience that was. I could comfortably ‘live’ there !!! And don’t you all go around thinking that my heart and words can be ‘bought’ – in this case all the credit is deserved. And particularly to Justin, Teresa and Alan in the Dublin office.
Anyhow with Emirates commencing their direct flights to Dublin next week (from Dubai), I can now irreversibly confirm that I will be staying (for life !!) with the ‘cousins’ in Abu Dhabi. Even if it works out a lot more expensive for me – taxi’s from AD to Dubai Marina cost Euro 50 each way. But I guess sometimes the better things in life cost that bit more.
Interesting that the Middle East now have three of the worlds 5 best airlines – Emirates, Qatar and Etihad. All are a different class.
Now I better get off my knees and onto some serious journalism !!!

Now I promised not to go into ‘repeat overload’ of the year just completed but lets hope that 2012 will not be as ‘Globally changing’ as 2011 was. Who would have thought when one woke up on January 1st 2011 that the next 365 days would have – a) the leaders of Algeria, Libya, Egypt, Tunisia all be ousted and that those in Bahrain, Yemen and Syria still struggle with being in control b) that Osama bin Laden would be successfully ‘taken out’ c) that Colonel Gaddafi would experience a similar fate d) and the despot and mind crazed North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-il would not make it to Christmas Day e) or such great ‘Global names’ as Joe Frazier (boxer), the wonderful Steve Jobs, the talented but troubled Amy Winehouse, Betty Ford of Betty Ford Clinic fame, Peter Falk (Columbo), Liz Taylor, her actress peer Jane Russell, Jimmy Saville and many many more (including my Mum – see below) would not be around to celebrate the firework fanfares of December 2011 f) or that Japan would suffer a natural disaster almost as catastrophic as Hiroshima with over a quarter of a million people dying from the tsunami and the knock on Fukushima nuclear meltdown g) not to mention (I don’t understand that expression when one usually goes on to do the exact opposite) the THREE high grade earthquakes in New Zealand (and the mag 7 ones in Argentina, Burma, Thailand, Chile, Alaska etc), the 100,000 + (yep the final figure) birds that inexplicably fell out of the sky in North and South America, the near 1 million fish that also died without explanation in the Pacific, floods in too many locations to mention and just the hundreds of natural disasters around the Planet f) that the Euro would be on the verge of collapse – and lose 15% of its value against the US$ and so many more of the serious and sad things that happened during 2011. But let me not bore you in that type of way. Let me briefly review some of the less well covered headlines

The ‘Real’ memorable moments of 2011
• Pippa’s (cute) ass. Yep can you imagine your sister winning all the attention at your wedding ceremony.
• Imagine having one of the most powerful jobs on the Planet, have unimaginable amounts of money and wealth, are an icon to many students around the world, a presidential candidate for your country, can pretty much buy anything or anybody you want, oh and you have an adoring wife and children AND despite all this you want a ‘quickie’ on your way to the airport. Yep good old Dominic SK, decided that it was worth giving up all the above for a bit of quick rough sex with a chamber maid – now THAT is why guys have a ‘misunderstood’ reputation
• Well up until May, two of the best known names in the world were very similar – Yep there was the baddie – Osama ………………….. and the ‘less baddie’ – Obama. And the week following the ‘departure’ of the former from us, there were more than 1,000 ‘media gaffes’ around the world. Everything from ‘Obama did not try to flee’, to ‘Surprise raid results in Obama no longer being a problem for world security’ to ‘at last some good news for President Osama’, to ‘white house raid results in Obama execution’ AND TWO Fox News (yep the US based Network ) news anchor’s actually declaring ‘ Obama is dead’ – is it any wonder this station is so well ‘respected’ by so many on the Tea Party side of US Politics !!!
• Sinead O Connor (the bald Irish singer) seems to continue to struggle with what it is like to share a bed with a man. Her latest marriage (fourth) was to an ‘online’ partner and it lasted all of 17 days (of which 10 of them they were not together). What was ‘he’ thinking when she said yes !! Did you know that the countries with the highest divorce rates in the world are a) Maldives b) Belarus c)the USA d) Cuba and in fifth place Ukraine. Usually because of the guy
• And then there was the final demise of the worlds most aging Gigolo. No, not good old Hugh Hefner (who by the way got married ……………. and ‘unmarried’ again during 2011), but Silvio B. Yes the former Italian Prime Minister. Finally his ‘bunga bunga’ parties – where young gold digging stunningly beautiful naïve and conversationally deficient girls offered themselves to aging, balding, obese and rich older (or much older) men. Yep and all these parties and their ‘fulfilling’ consequences are now to be a piece of history. And poor old Silvio will probably end up spending some time in a ‘different type of shower ………….. where dropping the soap is not recommended !!!! But who knows maybe that is an experience he may enjoy.
• And what about Gigolo Sarkozy. His wife (which is the woman he currently sleeps with on more than 120 days a year – and please no smutty suggestions that this is for tax and image reasons !!) had a baby. Yes, apparently it IS his. So some of those nights were used for other than watching movies and talking about Carla’s singing career (and despite rumours that BOTH are having extra marital affairs) !! And so little Guilia – yep that’s what I thought, it sounds more Italian than French – now has the burden of carrying her parents ‘problems’.
• And what about the embarrassing array of candidates the US Republicans have running for the US Presidency. Take Rick Perry’s excruciating 53 second pause/mumbling as he on a live TV show said there were ‘three Federal Government offices I would close if I became President’. The problem was that he was on live TV and he could only remember two of them. So he brought everybody’s embarrassment to a close with a very convincing ‘I have forgotten. OOpps’. Yep you have to love the guys the strongest Nation in the world put forward as the guy how decides which button to press in a Defcon 1 emergency.
• And one final memory from 2011. It involves Christina Aguilera “honouring America” by forgetting the words to what is possibly one of the most famous songs of all time – the National Anthem of the USA. The occasion ? Well the final of the Super Bowl (yep the most watched sports event in the US).
Christina warbled her way through The Star Spangled Banner (written by a lawyer in 1814), shrieking what appeared to be the alternative lyrics, “whose broad stripes and bright stars through the papulous fire, what so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last reaming” (or maybe it was “Twilight’s last screening”, I bet she’s Team Jacob).

Christina later explained the flub on Ellen, saying that she “took in the moment a little bit too much”. “The Moment” of course being the name of her favourite cocktail; 2 parts tequila, 2 parts vodka, 1 part MAC red lipstick and 1 part beef and cheese burrito.

The Wishes for 2012 (I hope it does not sound like I am looking for ‘world peace’)

1. That the Irish Government wake up to telling Europe that we cannot repay our debts without some reduction on the current level owed
2. That Iran and its brutal regime are controlled in some way by the West – as I have said many times it is the single MOST likely cause of the next World War
3. That Journalists and Financial analysts around the world (and particularly Ireland) are STOPPED from destroying the Planet with their penchant for only spreading and writing negative news stories and causing a lot of the economic crises that we all have to live with
4. That Sarkozy and Merkel both lose their re-election campaigns – and that greater Euro protection leadership is put in place. Which means maybe sacrificing some of their banks.
5. That the Euro will still be with us
6. And finally that a lot of the ‘wrongs’ of the world are corrected. In saying this I am reminded of the legendary story from Native American History. An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life…
He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil—he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.” They thought about it for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win, Grandfather?”
The Elder simply replied, “The one you feed.” So much of what happens on the Planet is within our own control !!!

Finally A friend of mine is a leading Irish artist has just completed four years of work to produce a dozen world class paintings of race horses, and these are being exhibited in Dublin at the moment. Some of the horses are owned by Sheikh Mohammed and the exhibition will travel to Dubai in March. Date and venue yet to be finalised. So some of this art could prove very valuable in the future. So have a look on
www.CharaNagle.com

Sadly My Mother died a couple of weeks before Christmas. Here are some thoughts by which she will be remembered by her Children and those who knew her.
Our Mother Remembered
First and foremost she was a Lady. Regal, Engaging, Charismatic and Beautiful – beauty of the heart complemented with photographs betraying Princess Grace like external looks right into her fifties. Then she was a Mother to five children who can only look back and thank THEIR luck that she was THEIR MOTHER. A Mother on which Legends are based. A Mother who always put her children first and for whom she made many many un-acknowledged and unknown sacrifices. A Mother with a very personal belief in what the word ‘Home’ meant for her family – love, happiness, security and unity. A ‘safe house’ with lots of love and laughter and happiness.
Then she was the adoring Wife to her husband of forty five years before he was taken from her in August 2000. A special Wife who raised her children without him feeling ‘love threatened’ and despite the enormous love and time she gave to her children ensured he felt he was the only person in her world. A Wife that never misunderstood the balance needed between these two critically important life roles.
And all this never left her short of being a Great Daughter (to our Grand-parents who died in 1972 and 1981) Sister, Cousin, Grandmother and Great Grandmother. She even had three God-children – all treated with ‘special love’.
Then she was a Businesswoman who ran a number of privately owned retail shops. Then a great Friend to so many people around the world. Her infectious friendliness, personality, affability, worldly knowledge, listening but engaging style and appreciation of everybody being equal and having an important role in life, gave her uniqueness. She was a bridge (the card game) champion with a string of victories that qualified her to play at Irish International Category – but never wanted this status. She just wanted the enjoyment of the game. With her friends.
A Lady who never had a full drivers licence (she mischievously side-stepped her driving test on many occasions), but drove every day of the year until she fell ill last year. A Lady who was private but you felt you knew her. A Lady of pride but never boastful. A Lady of success but was not afraid of, or unsympathetic to, failure. A Lady who worked hard but always had time to help or talk. A Lady who never knew what time of day it was, but that did not matter as all important things got done. A Lady who was legendary for getting lost in the major cities of Europe but always made the airport for the trip home (even if leaving it a bit late). A Lady who never had a watch but had enough ‘watchers’ to ensure she never missed an important occasion. A Lady who instinctively knew ‘the right thing to do’.
A epi-centre of the family for advice, thoughtfulness, love, humour, selflessness, knowledge, instinctiveness and intuitiveness. A Lady who always seemed to have cakes in the oven even for visitors who were never expected. A Lady who understood the words internet, 3/ 4 G, Skype etc if a little challenged as to how to use or understand. A Lady who unselfishly sacrificed some of the quality in her life so that others could have less pain in theirs. A Lady who despite 6 years of illness never once complained.
You may not have known her but she knew you. For if you were a friend of any of Her Children, you were a friend of hers. Yes somebody really special who the Planet is less rich for having lost her. It is with great pride that Ann, Fiona, John, Derval and myself can call her OUR MOTHER. We will ALL miss you, your encouragement, your guidance, your love, your smile and just being the unique irreplaceable Mother you were.

Boring event or person of the Year :
I give this years award to the Media of Ireland (yep from Joe Duffy to George Hook to Ivan Yates etc) for their constant coverage of all the negative aspect of Irish economic life. Never a positive or encouraging story from their world. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ and Shame on them.
Fun Corner
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it …. Sorry

Some New Year one liners

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.
I gave up thinking.

You will (well most of you) love this one
It was New Years Day and Billy asked his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies. “Billy, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.”
Billy thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. “Dad why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Billy, all household appliances come in white.”

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to get up and change the channel manually.

3. People who say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. People who say “it’s always the last place you look”. Yeah, I tend to stop looking once I’ve found it.

5. When people watching a film say “did you see that?” Do they think I paid $12 to look at the floor?

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Did they give you a choice?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it?

8. When people say “life is short”. Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?

The definition of Cricket as explained to a foreigner:
You have two sides, one in the field and one out. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out and then he comes in.

When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those
who are not out, that is the end of the game!

Now given that I did not get the Christmas HT out to you this year hear are a few seasonal entertainment fun points for you
1. Blonde goes into the Post Office and asks the guy behind the counter for ’50 Christmas stamps for my Christmas Cards’. The clerk asks ‘what denomination’ ? The blonde all indignantly says ‘May God help us. Has it come to this ? Ok give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptists’ !!! and
2. Here is a link to a fun seasonal song. I hope it works but if not just type it in yourself and enjoy http://bcove.me/vm5g6y8q

Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Clitaurus”..
It comes in pink and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE ……………….

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his lorry fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far away and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at a shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at another shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 160 Partington Lane ?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said, “Bloody hell, love, ! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens .”

And here’s one on older men – they only get wiser!
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
A little while later she goes into Morrison’s and asks the counter girl the very
same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way
down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this
same burning question.
The girl responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully…
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’ ‘
I promise I won’t’ she says.

‘I was behind you at Morrisons.

And here is one many of you have probably heard before but here goes again ………….
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says, “Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you’re sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?”

The startled mother recovers quickly and says, “Your dad is a little overweight and I’m trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him.”

The little kid just shakes his head and says, “Mom, you’re wasting your time because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!”

A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His mate asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’

‘That’s easy; he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.’
…
So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

‘A female horth.’

So he shows him a prized filly.
‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?’

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?’

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
‘Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?’
The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

‘Nice mouf, can I see her twot?’
Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf’s head up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, spluttering and coughing.
‘Perhapth I should rephwase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?’

Q…. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?
A… One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ENTERING 2012 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4… You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries…
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

And finally an old one but it is a New Year

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,’My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better see a doctor!’

Listen mate ; don’t waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There’s a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid….a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points’.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks’.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don’t stop wanking, your elbow will never get better….

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Currency Corner:
Having got my Euro/$ and Euro/£ year end rates absolutely right (I predicted 1.395 and 0.835 respectively), one might get a little complacent with the 2012 predictions. NOT me. I have told you very often there is NOBODY who consistently wins when playing the FX markets.
I do however have a confidence with my belief that the $/Yen is ‘the call’ of 2012. To me there is a ‘certain’ profit (ie a profit with certainty) in buying the $ against the overvalued Japanese currency. So buy at 76.70 or better and sit back to take your profits – probably in the first quarter.
With the Central Bank of Japan stating its desire to have a weaker Yen and Japanese exporters declaring the need for a $/Yen rate nearer 85, I pick this as my currency certainty of 2012
In relation to the Euro/$ I think we will see a weaker rate over the first 6 months of the year to be followed by a surge in its value in the final half of the year. So I predict a y/e rate of 1.42
I also think this ‘trend’ will follow the Stg/Euro rate. So expect it to go from 0.825 over 0.86 through the course of the first and second six months.
Equity Corner :
So 2011 has been a roller-coaster one for us. And with some small exceptions was expensive. While the FTSE was down 6% on the year, the Dow Jones was marginally up. While the Dow Jones was up marginally on the year it hides the very volatile 24% movement between the high (12,876) and the 52 week low (10,404). The UK FTSE was actually down 8% over the twelve months and had a peak to trough movement of 22%.
So Global Bourses had their MOST volatile 12 months since 1987
And so to 2012. Just two tips. Invensys in the UK – in my view this take-over favourite will fall to a predator (the Chairman of the Company is a ‘specialist’ at this sort of thing and he is now 15 months with Invensys). Price has moved over the new year but is still good value at £2.10. And although there are many other tips that would be worthy of comment here I think we need to have one financial stock – even though it will probably be three years before banking gets back to normal or will escape the control of the Regulators (who are destroying the industry through over-regulation). So I will go with Bank of America.

Did you know : Here is a short section for my Kiwi friends – a) New Zealand was the first country to give women the vote (1893 vs 1928 in UK and 1920 in the US) b) nowhere is NZ is more than 80 miles from the sea c) yep the Aussies are right, there ARE 10 sheep for every person in the Country d) there is a flightless parrot known as the Kakapo – and NZ is the only place in the world whner you can see it – well it can hardly come to see you, can it !!!and e) it is home to the worlds most southerly vineyard – Central Otago. Well sorry if all that was a bit of an anti-climax. If all my Kiwi friends had told me there were far more interesting things about the country. But I can’t find them on the internet !!! That should provoke a response !! And for those of you who DON’T care about New Zealand – then did you know that the human nose stops growing at age 15/16 years old while your ears stop growing when we are 6.
Thoughts for the week : a) Success should not go to head and failure should not go to heart b) TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More c) Light travels faster then sound… which is why most people appear brilliant until you hear them d) There are two kinds of people, those who do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
Now sorry for the rush but here are just a few quick ‘take-aways’ from the last 10 days in Dubai.
First all the preparations are in place for a National Day on December 2nd which will dwarf ANYTHING that had previously been seen in the UAE. It is their 40th Anniversary of Independence (or more correctly formation). The flags and evidence of what is to come is abundantly visible throughout the Emirate in every petrol station, shopping mall and retail outlet in Dubai. No escape. It will be a night/day to remember. 40 years old. Well done to Sheikh Khalifa and Sheikh Mohammad. And of course their fathers, Sheikh’s Rashid and Zayed (who was the founding father of the UAE)
But whatever this day transforms into, it will be over-shadowed by an even greater Anniversary. Yes there is something with even a GREATER financial budget than the resources of the UAE. And again I am unfortunately going to miss it. Yes McGettigans pub at the Bonnington Hotel in Jumeirah Lake Towers, is ONE YEAR this week. And to celebrate ???? Well THREE days of celebration. Well done to the Irish. And to Dennis, Jim and the entire (lovely) family. BUT ONLY the IRISH know how to have a REAL party ………………. and to think that McGettigans is just a pub within an hotel – which itself if more than two years old. What next ?? An anniversary party for the kitchen in the hotel !!!
Another celebration being heralded in Dubai is the extraordinary success of the Dubai Metro. It is now, apparently (my arithmetic does not support this), taking in (ie revenue) AED 7 million per DAY. Whatever the figure it is a wonderful mode of transport – and YES I HAVE used it !!!

And this week one of the projects I ‘originated and proposed’ to the Dubai Government, has been passed for implementation. Yes, sorry to all the future visitors to Dubai, because in future you will/may have to have an alcohol licence to consume alcohol in the Emirate – even if you are only visiting for a day and fancy a glass of wine with your evening meal. Yep Euro 10 for a week and Euro 15 for a fortnight – and you can drink ‘till you fall’ and know that you will not be arrested. I should have taken a percentage of ‘revenues’ rather than the modest fee coming my way !!!! BUT remember the next time you are putting your hand in your pocket in Dubai to pay for the ‘right to drink’ ……………………….. the idea came from an Irishman !!!!!

And finally I had a lucky break last Monday. There I was wandering through the Al Qsar Hotel (saying ‘Salamalicum’ to all my friends when there before me appeared the ‘vision’. Yep this stunningly gorgeous female. Everything perfect. Yes EVERYTHING. And then a quick look to her left and there was this scruffy far less good looking guy. Not that this is surprising in Dubai. But this guy looked too young to have ‘the money’. Well how wrong I was. It was only when I met another friend of mine in the cafe and said to me ‘did you see him’ (and my reply ‘NO I saw HER !!!) ?? Thankfully the name Rory McIlroy did mean something to me. But I still don’t know her name !!! But whatever she did for him, he certainly looks good in China this week in his latest tournament.

Reflections from the week :
Now certain quarters of my readership are directing criticism at my apparent recent lack of focus and interest in the production of Home Thoughts. HOW unfair. Just because I have growing business commitments, does not mean that I do not regularly appreciate all of you and am conscious of the enormously high standards you expect from the fortnightly ‘masterpiece’. And so Mr Moore (ah he does not mean it, he is just as busy and committed to hard work as I am – but he does not produce a Blog and so it is easy to ‘point the finger’ !!!). But we will do some ‘revamping’ in the New Year. The current format was unfortunately imposed upon us through a mix of UAE Government ‘blog censorship’ and jealous hackers !!! So leave the New Year surprise to me

Now new to my ‘Irish bitch list’ is the general cost of having a car or transport in Ireland – which is enough to keep me using my Mum’s car (under deep disguise !!! Its a battered Yaris. Sorry Mum). First there is the petrol – 8 times the cost of Dubai, then road tax – 6 times that of Dubai (well for the larger cars anyhow), parking meters – 8 times, speeding fines – I know that should not happen, and certainly not in a Yaris, but it does – which at Euro 100 upwards is probably not expensive, until you have to pay them, add in the cost of tyres, servicing, insurance etc and you suddenly want to ‘walk’. And then there is ‘clamping’ – which is four times the cost of Dubai. Add to this taxi drivers who continue to conduct ‘legal theft’ and being ‘mobile’ in Ireland requires you have a high income job.

I was the recent ‘victim’ of the cruel clamping system in the country. Euro 120 + an insulting Euro 5 for having to pay with my credit card (not sure what other options were available to me), seemed like a very profitable business. Until this week operational figures were reported. Apparently Dublin County Council/Corporation pay out (this act of terrorism is outsourced) Euro 5 million per annum and the income side of this ‘trade’ is Euro 4.5 million. Yep a cool Euro 500,000 loss – despite the excessive enthusiasm of the ‘enforcers’.

And while on the subject of terrorism can I once again draw your attention to the greatest threat to ‘World Peace’. No NOT Sandra Bullock or even the American Tea Party (which will definitely be a candidate at some stage) but Iran and its crazy puppet leader Mahmoud Ahmadinijad. This modern day ‘Calilgula’ – the insane Roman Tyrant and Emperor for those of you unfamiliar with ‘scholastic pedigree’ – WILL end up as the architect of the greatest de-stabilisation of world peace. And unfortunately Home Thoughts does not have the recipe to avoid this Global disaster. So it is over to you guys in Mossad (that should get the hits on my site up this week) and Israel to control the nuclear objectives of this rogue and toxically dangerous State.

And finally before departing the world of terrorism, I have to include the very large sign that was ‘parked’ at the side of Irelands most active Motorway. It read ‘Golf is a passport for the lads to enjoy a dirty and unfaithful weekend, wake up girls’ and it was signed ‘a naive wife’. NOW, NOW, I say. Well it is a remarkable accusation that Irish husbands are going away for a dirty weekend with each other. I used to bring a woman but there’s no accounting for tastes.

I CANNOT let another week go by without issuing some service and thank you messages to Etihad Airlines. A lot of travel recently, made so much easier thanks to the wonderful staff ………………………… in Ireland. And despite the imminent option of using Emirates on the UAE/Dublin route, these ‘Etihad Kids’ have raised the bar and I am not (almost) a disciple. Lets hope I don’t become a Judas !! Like poor David B did last week when he was ‘downgraded’ from Business Class to Economy. I LOVE Etihad even more now. But seriously Kids, well done on recent performances.

I will shortly be giving you the Top 5 ‘destroyers’ and ‘makers’ of the Irish economy for 2011, so don’t forget to give me any suggestions you may have. Obviously the ‘Presstitutes’
of the Media will feature very heavily. Sometimes I wonder what their parents did to them as children. And if they had known what their children were going to turn out like, would they not have arranged some ‘silent terminations’. I mean if you knew your child was going to be a Vampire or Werewolf would you not feel compelled to act decisively – despite the bond between parent and mongrel !!!!

Kevin Cardiff (Irish Dept of Finance chief) was rejected by Europe for the new role as European Auditor General. ‘Unsuitable’ was the decision from Europe. COMPLETELY correct. THIS is the man who was at the centre of the Irish financial disaster (boss to the previous Banking Regulator, the guy who did not understand the difference between ‘liquidity’ and ‘solvency’, the guy who ‘allowed’ the Government guarantee of Irish banking debts to be signed, who ‘missed’ Euro 3.5 BILLION of Irish Government debt etc). In ANY private sector company no guy with these credentials would get a job anywhere other than as a father or husband at home (this man was going to get Euro 250k + pa). NO is the answer. Can you imagine if Sir Fred Goodwin (Royal Bank of Scotland) was given a job any place on the Planet. It is equally a crippling embarrassment for the Irish Government. A NATIONAL nominee (Cardiff had the FULL support for the role. The ONLY candidate for the job that had such backing). WHY was this man allowed to go forward for the job. WHAT was going on in the heads of the Irish Prime Minister (who is now starting to show some ‘intellectual weaknesses’). This man is ‘old school’ and has a CV that a drunk in your local pub would be embarrassed by.
It is REALLY time that accountability becomes the culture in the Irish Public and Civil Service. Time to control the guys who ‘really control’ the Governmental agenda. The guys who have looked after themselves over the decades. Even today when Government has told Irish Taxpayers that there is a) a reduction in Civil/Public Service numbers and b) there are pay freezes across this elite population of people, the Irish States annual pay bill is RISING by EURO 250,000,0000 per annum. Yep. WHAT a load of c*ap. Time for some revisions of the Croke Park Agreement (a remuneration and productivity pact signed by the previous Government – but then we ALL know that ALL Governments are controlled by the Depts of Government. And guess what their agenda is) !!!

Did you know that the Greeks get paid on the basis of a 14 month year ? And that there are 22 professions (accounting for 34% of the working population) that can retire on full benefits after 15 years of work.. 40% of the working population are in the Public Sector (God Bless them, we know how they have ‘helped’ Ireland get into the toilet). It is estimated that the only 50% of taxes that are due are actually collected by the Government – Greece has the highest tax evasion rate in Europe. 2011 tax receipts for Greece will be Euro 48 billion – about 1.5 times that of Ireland. The Greek population is 11 million – 2.5 times the numbers in Ireland. The working population of Greece is 5.2 million – nearly 2.5 times that of Ireland. And here is one you will love. In 2008 Greece’s GDP or income per capita was 97% of that of France. Greece, despite its debt woes, has a Top 20 place in World Standard of Living Index. Yep is it any wonder that country is in trouble. Oh and by the way, the Greeks defaulted on their National Debt FOUR times in the 1800’s. So as they say ‘Timeo Danaos cum they are in debt’ – beware of Greeks ……..

Finally my spirits were lifted this week with the announcement that scientists are on the verge of launching a drug or jab that will result in us (guys) being able to lose up to 40% of our body fat in just one month. And better still, it attacks fat in the ‘belly area’ first. So goodbye GYM. And did you know that it is estimated that there will be 2.3 billion obese people on the Planet by 2015 – which is a shocker given that you don’t see too many fat Chinese

Finally finally I just wish somebody would invent a pill that would save me from my X Factor addiction. And if not can ITV/TV3 not screen it on a different night rather than prime time Saturday and Sunday. Also can somebody give Janet Devlin (yes I do love her voice) a bit of loving personality. God Bless whoever she finally marries. Although this ‘chosen one’ will probably not have to earn too much to survive and he can be serenaded to sleep, he will have to cope with a precocious spoilt kid who lacks warmth. Regrettable.

Boring event or person of the fortnight :
As an avid follower of many TV talent shows unfortunately I have to make Gary Barlow my ‘Bore of the fortnight’. This smug, egotistical, over-rated ‘stick insect’, just gets worse by the week. And unfortunately he is on the same judging panel as another of the Planets, GREAT oxygen-wasters, Louis Walsh.
Fun Corner
A guy survives a plane crash and finds himself on a desert island with the only other survivor, a dog. He thinks, “this isn’t too bad”. The island has spring water and food, even wild pigs and he makes a shelter and takes the dog for walks around the beaches.
As the days pass the guy starts to get horny as hell and sets upon the idea of fucking one of the wild pigs. Lets face it, a dog is a man’s best friend, he’s out of the running. The problem is every time he gets his trousers off anywhere near a pig the dog goes crazy and starts biting at the guys legs and the pig runs away.
Several days of this go by and the guy is starting to give up hope. The next morning the guy wakes, looks out to sea and cant believe his eyes. He sees an exhausted but beautiful blonde girl, barely swimming, trying to get to the island.
The guy immediately swims out and brings her into shore, coughing and spluttering. Once she has her breath back she throws herself on her knees thanking the guy and says, “My god, you saved me! Please is there anything I can do to repay you. Anything!”
The guy is so horny he cant help him self and immediately says, “There sure is!! Please can you hold my dog for a minute.’’

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, “Give it a shot, father.”
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, “Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!”
The priest says, “Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?”
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), “I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called—a sonofabitch!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the priest. “I didn’t know.”
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. “Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!”
“Please father,” says the bishop. “Mind your language, this is a house of God.”
“No, you don’t understand,” says the priest. “That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!”
“Hmmm,” says the bishop. “You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.”
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
“Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?”
“My lord, what language!” says the mother.
“No, sister,” says the bishop. “That’s what the fish is called—a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it”
“Hmmm,” replies Mother Superior. “Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight.”
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
“I caught the sonofabitch!” says the priest.
“And I cleaned the sonofabitch!” says the bishop.
“And I cooked the sonofabitch!” says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, “You know, you fuckers are all right.”

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, ‘Congratulations!’ ‘Congratulations for what?’ asks the lawyer. ‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.’ ‘But that’s not true,’ says the lawyer. ‘I only lived to be forty.’ ‘That’s impossible,’ replies Saint Peter. ‘We’ve added up your time sheets.’

A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat. While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat. The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God! Help me, help me!’ His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter. The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting! I’m melting…!

A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder. After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted. The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’. The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.

A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ ‘I’m a chiropractor,’ says the man. ‘I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.’ ‘Well f**k off, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me do you ?.

An old one but still funny
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!

And for my more prudish readers ………………. please SKIP the next one

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,
“I’m pregnant.”

He asked, “How did this happen, my child?”

She said, “I think it must be the second coming.”

The priest, shocked by this reply asked,
“What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?”

She replied, “Because I swallowed the first one…”

Currency Corner:
Well what an awful week for the Euro. And we are now just on the level I predicted for year end. I don’t think there are many more headwinds for the currency as we move into the final 5 weeks of the year. But then WHO would have predicted that Germany would have had a disappointing Bond auction this week – although part of the reason for failure was the aggressive pricing.
And as the US struggles with its own debt debate, I am not sure its currency won’t come under some pricing pressures. So I would suggest the beneficiary currencies from this will be the Aussie $ and Sterling. Both of which I think will gain value in the weeks ahead.
Equity Corner :
And so the Global Equity melt down has got into full swing. Exceptionally difficult to make money. And when luck plays a large role in success, its time to stay in bed. But it is unlikely that December will also be bad and therein lies some profit opportunity.
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, many company share prices have fallen with the markets. The fundamental values have been ignored in the dash for cash. But the day of ‘realisation’ will happen and the bargains will make us all look silly for not having done something. And so here is a 6 week list (to take us over the 2012 New Year) – Man Group (yes I know I have tipped it before but after good results and the share buy back scheme now in place, the selling is well over-done) @ £ 1.25 is a bargain – and we can expect a takeover bid in the medium term if the price stays in this region. Aviva @ £2.80 also looks good value and finally I have to tip Invensys @ £1.83 – a definite takeover target for 2012.

Did you know :
a) one quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet !! b) there is more bacterian in your mouth than the human population of the USA and Canada combined – so be REALLY careful who you kiss (yuk that really turns me off kissing……….. on the mouth !!) c)the first bar code was used on Wrigleys gum d) The Burramundy fish grows up as a male, but after two years it turns out into a female – thank God humans are not like that. I mean after two years all us guys would have to start ironing, cooking and child bearing. NO THANK YOU. And e) eating breakfast will help you burn 5 to 20% more calories per day.
Thoughts for the week :
a) learn from your parents mistakes, use birth control b) living can sometimes be the best revenge !! c) the lottery is a tax on those who are very bad at maths d) Men are on earth. Women are on earth. Get over it !! and e) Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it ???

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
As we go into the ‘big’ Eid holiday and Dubai winds down for 5 days, the Emirate has had a good 10 months in 2011. Its stock market is up 20% (and more importantly there has been increases in volume and evidence of an increase in overseas buyers), property prices in some locations (Palm Jumeirah in particular) have seen a 25% price increase, there has been another oil find (which when it comes on stream will yield a sleek $10 million per day) , Government finances are back under control and Dubai has been welcomed back into the Global Capital Markets where it can access funding at just 120 basis points, new company registrations are up 14%, there will be a budget surplus the year (yes even after increases in loan funding costs) and finally residential visa’s are up a massive 21%. Yep Dubai is back as one of the wonderful economies in the world ……………. but don’t expect to read about that in the gutter tabloid UK Press – because as we all know THEY only like funerals. Bless them. But then they are many funerals to write about around the world (Greece, the Euro, Global recession, Pippa’s ass being under ‘pressure’ etc) that are sexier than challenging (or being able to apologise) the Dubai recovery story.
IF the Global economies can prevent themselves from sliding into a deep recession (or worse depression or stag-flation), then one can expect the UAE to have another wonderful year in 2012.

A quick word on the broader ‘Arab World’. The Western powers will need to be careful and rebuild relationships with the ‘new leaders’ who emerge from the ‘Arab Spring’. In many cases these new Leaders will be ideologically (not just religiously) different than their predecessors, something that will create many new conflicts for the West. Even Libya, newly liberated, with a not insignificant contribution from European Powers, will soon show signs of wanting to reduce and minimise Western involvement – and one will probably see a move towards Russian and Chinese assistance (two countries that did NOT assist in the liberation). But that is all AFTER the civil war that now needs to be part of the country’s eventual transition to a very wealthy and powerful Arab democracy. Egypt is another major and influential country that is likely to fall into the more extremist Muslim hands – something more for Israel to be concerned about.
But the UAE has benefitted greatly from all the unrest. As I have said many times before there was not so much as a ‘bonfire’ to express dissatisfaction with Sheikh Mohammad or Sheikh Khaliffa (or the leaders of the other 5 Emirates) – a testimony to their correct form of leadership and ‘sharing’ of the country’s wealth.

Reflections from the week :
As we told you four weeks ago, last Monday saw the arrival of the 7 billionth person on the Planet. Now rather than being a ‘happy’ moment, this exciting event has given rise to a Planetary War. Yep India, Britain, Greece (again !!) and Russia all claim their country had the 7 billionth human. However despite all their protestations the United Nations has given the ‘prize’ to the Philippians – a little 7 pound girl who received a ‘shoe certificate’ (I think that mean ‘pair of shoes’) and a cake (chocolate) from the UN. That however will probably be the last time Danica May is likely to hear from the UN. Ask the 5th billionth baby (from Croatia) and the 6th billionth (from Bosnia), they have heard nothing from the UN since their celebration many years ago.
For those of you interested, the 8 billionth human is expected to hit the Planet by the year 2027. Yes just 16 years time. The ‘net’ (births netted with deaths) population of the world grows by on average 80 million every year. The ‘peak’ year for birth ‘growth rate’ over the past century was 1963 (remember growth rate is the number of ‘net’ births divided by the then population) – the year President John Kennedy was assassinated. And between 1959 and 1999 the world’s population doubled from 3 to 6 billion – yep in just forty years. Any wonder food is the industry sector to be in.

One person to die over the past 10 days was old TV and radio icon, Jimmy Saville. His death brought great sadness to the millions who he entertained over the decades on UK radio and TV. A wonderfully charismatic and infectiously happy man who lived life to the full until his sad death at the ‘young’ age of 85 (well two days short). He will be best known for Top of the Pops and Jim’ll Fix It but also was a wonderful contributor to charitable causes – he took part in 300 + professional bike races, 210 + marathons and 107 pro fights. All money, estimated at over £45 million over his life, went to charity. He got (if that is the right word) an OBE (1971) and was knighted (by both the British Queen AND the Vatican) in 1990. He was born in Leeds. God bless him … on two counts !!! We will always remember you Jimmy …………… and that big mop of white hair !!

Now a little of my favourite subject. How many times do we hear the pub or business lunch bitch about banks and how they are ‘not lending’. How often ? And once again the banks and the staff that are only implementing policy are the victims of hate. HOW often do I have to tell you that it is the Dept of Finance, the Central Bank AND the Regulator who are responsible for the Irish banks not being able to lend (the foreign banks have no interest in increasing their exposures to Ireland’s broken economy). Yep it is their rules and regulatory ratio’s that leave banks with no choice but to shrink their loan books. Which in case you do not get it, means they cannot lend. At least not until they meet the operating balance sheet demands (loan to deposit ratio etc) imposed on them. So it is completely disingenuous of Government to complain when the banking system is not providing working/investment capital to the economy. So PLEASE. The Richie Bouchers and others are doing their best. Direct your anger where it is deserved.
On an aside it would also be nice if the Government could re-approach the EU and get permission for a new bank to be created (if necessary Government owned). NEVER has there been a such an economic need of such enormous scale. Too much or inappropriately timed Regulation = no meaningful new credit

And while on the subject of banks, I see Willie McAteer the former Finance Director of Anglo Irish Bank (now IBRC – so change your email addresses) was arrested. Again. That’s twice in three years !!! But then released after just a few hours. As it was last time. Or maybe this time he was going ‘States witness’ (any bets ???). In which case I would not like to be his former boss Seannie Fitzpatrick. If anybody knew what the ‘truth’ was then Willie is the man ………. unless of course his memory is ‘fuzzy’. But the incident reminded me of the ‘joke’ that used to do the banking circuit back in the mid 1990’s. It went something along the lines ‘how would someone recognise Willie McAteer’ ? And the answer was ‘by his shoes ……………………… and the rest of him is so far up Seannie Fitz’s ar*e’ !!! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ah well lets hope there is some progress in this sad reflection of the Irish Criminal Law System. It is now into its fourth year …………… and some of these people responsible for the economic destruction of this wonderful country, need to be seen to have paid a price. Are you listening Mr F …………….. no NOT the one at Anglo (sorry IBRC) …. the one at the Building Society !!!!
And did you ever wonder why elected officials ALWAYS seem to fall well short of the promise they had before you elected them ?? Look at Barack Obama. Three years on and another American Presidential failure (he will probably get re-elected for reasons of no competition rather than on merit). And do you remember that tear provoking inaugural speech of him. Martin Lutherish in quality, substance and delivery. And now he is the victim of what exists in every Governmental apparatus. You see it does not matter who you or I vote into office. The people who ran the country previously are STILL there. The reasons you vote one person out of power, is irrelevant. Because the person replacing him/her, is going to be ‘controlled’ by the same cancerous people (and thinking) in the various Government Departments. These people unfortunately do NOT go. They are there to ensure that any ‘new thinking’ or ‘new promise’ or ‘new hope’ or ‘new initiatives’, have NO chance of happening. Yep. Perhaps when new elections happen ‘these people’ should also depart their office. Maybe we could come up with an arrangement with the Private Sector that up to 500 of them would be taken by them until there is another change of Government (or President). It would be a small price for the Private Sector to take. And it would only work out as 2 or 3 per (private sector) company. And think of the enormous economic benefits. If this does not work, lets just give them overpaid jobs as parking wardens or garbage collectors.

And while I am in ‘bitch mode’ WHAT a nerve these people on the Gaza bound boat doing asking for the Irish Government to intervene and INSIST that they are allowed to deliver their cargo to Palestine. I am sorry, much and all as I sympathise with the Palestinians (and have many Palestinian friends in Dubai – including my bank manager !!), these activists fully understood that this situation was going to happen and the consequences. So please NO Irish Government intervention. These are just attention seeking people with nothing better to do. WHY don’t they take on the more risky crusade of trying to assist the tortured and suppressed majority in Iran. Or the thousands that are being murdered in Syria. Reason ? Well their lives are not at stake on the Palestinian voyage. Sorry I have sympathy for the Palestinians but NOT for attention seeking activists. Many of whom could not show you precisely where Palestine is on a map of the Middle East !!!

Now Mum. A ‘your section’. Did you know that the average ‘modern’ woman will go through 30 hairstyles in her lifetime ? Really. Only thirty was my first reaction. And then the thought or benefit of having been with 30 women, really appealed to me!!!
And here is a story I liked from the Czech Republic. No, it has nothing to do with women … although I hear they are very beautiful in that country, Mum ……. and Jo !! It involves a football match where the REFEREE was arrested by police. No, NOT before the game. During it. The police in the stadium, were forced to breathalyse him after a) the ref ‘fell over’ a number of times in the first half b) then sent three players off from the home team for questioning ‘if he was alright’ and c) with the match in disarray the visiting team agreed NOT to attack their 8 man opposition and the match finished 1-1. When the police arrested him he was NINE times over the drink driving limit …….. yes he had driven to the match. He will now be banned for 12 months ……………… for driving while drunk. The Czech FA has not decided yet what action to take !!!!
And I constantly attempt to bring state of the moment beauty products to you, I am about to start large queues outside Boots chemists. Apparently the pharmacy group has a new beauty serum that rejuvenates the skin cells. And this product has one a Nobel Prize …………. how I don’t know. Anyhow off you go everybody and get yourself some. It is called Bioeffect EGF serum. And wait to you see how you look in a months time. Oh one little point I forgot to mention. If you are on the ‘average wage’ I would not make the journey to your nearest Boots. It costs £125 for a tablespoon sized bottle. Making an ounce more expensive than an ounce of diamonds !!
Now only my female readers will know who Kim Kardashian is. She is America’s biggest reality TV star, Guys. And she got married to some famous, and equally beautiful (if you are a girl) star from the basketball world, on August 20th. 2011, that is. A wedding that cost $ 4 million but because of who they were they earned $ 22 million from endorsements and other related publicity stunts. Well it is now all over. Not the wedding, stupid. The marriage. Yep after just 72 days. Well you know what they say about selfish lovers !!!!
Now Mum. This is the last part for you. But if you had to come back as somebody in the next life, who would it be ? Well a recent poll but HarperCollins of 10,000 people resulted in Audrey Hepburn. Now there is a surprise. Breakfast at Tiffiny’s obviously had greater impact than I thought. Albert Einstein was second and Winston Churchill third. Just goes to show how ‘rubbish’ HarperCollins polls are. Sure would’nt I want to come back as Brian O Driscoll and you Mum (?) Doris Day !!!!
Well thats all Folks except
Finally poignant log pages showing desperate SOS calls from the Titanic before she sank and will be put to auction this week – just ahead of the centenary next year.
Finally finally stress has overtaken pains, aches, colds etc as the most used excuse for taking time off work. Well how about the stress of not having a job. So get back to work you ungrateful idiots.

Boring event or person of the fortnight :
Its a real toss up between the American and British X Factor. Is Simon Cowell’s golden touch in decline ? Well while Louis Walsh has to be one of the most boring Irish guys on British TV (cringe factor of 10+), I think the American panel win by a stretch. Whatever that woman from Pussycat Dolls has for breakfast or whatever she puts in her pants, I have never seen something a close to a walking mannequin. And as for LA Reed – f**k I wonder what he traded his brain and personality for when he was young. A real waste of oxygen.

Fun Corner

I just love these. Thanks to Kerrigan who is just a wonderful source for Fun Corner. So I will thank him on behalf of all of us

1. The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself “She’s going through the change.”
2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist berks. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!
3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, “Where is Pakistan?” He replies, “Outside playing with Paki-Dave”.
4. Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
5. Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
8. Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”
10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

IN Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen..* ****

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one..*
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned
‘stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.*
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ‘You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.’

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, ‘Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.’

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.’

Paddy replied, ‘No it ain’t, Mick. It’s not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.’

An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge…?”

Paddy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in County Galway when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..
The driver, a young man in a Saville Row suit, Gucci shoes, RayBans and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Paddy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany …
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Paddy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Paddy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a T.D. for the Irish Government”, says Paddy .
“That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of euros worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep… Now give me back my fuckin’ dog

NO NURSING HOME FOR me!!!
No nursing home for us. We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap £5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There’s a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Scotland ? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Currency Corner:
Well despite the best attempts of the psychotically disturbed Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou to destabilise the Euro, it looks like the crisis is over. Well at least until this man can banish the demons from his head ……………………. or his own Party ‘behead’ him. Appalling leadership and stewardship. The only good part of it all was to see Sarkozy and Merkal all upset, frustrated and furious.
Anyhow the Euro/$ which had run ahead of itself, rapidly fell back to the 1.36 level. Now at 1.38, I think the markets will revert to more serious issues. And the new ECB President Mario Draghi (great name for a political figure ……… but then that’s Italy for you) has immediately put his ‘foot in the game’ with a 25 basis point reduction in interest rates (how the banks with Tracker mortgage books must HATE him) and more to come. So I expect the Euro to weaken again next week and stay in the 1.34 to 1.39 range for the next six months. THAT is surely enough to make sure it does NOT happen

And this week finally saw my US$/Yen prediction happen. I told you it would be over a weekend and while nobody expected it. Well when we all woke up in Europe last Monday morning there had been a 5% move over the Friday closing price. Nice. And given that it has since fallen back to 78, I would expect a price of 80/82 over the next two months.
Equity Corner :
I had such an intelligent paragraph written on this section before I had a ‘computer gremlin’ hit my
computer. Now you will have to do with the shortened version. Essentially the markets are being driven by political incompetence and rumour/counter rumour at the moment. In this mayhem, there are some shares that have been unfairly treated. And so this week I am going to give you two shares that I believe are take over targets over the next SIX months (yep sorry but picking stocks for the short term in this market is a fools game). So here goes Man Group (ticker emg) at £1.40 after much better than expected results this week and a complete destruction of the share price over the past two months AND Invensys (ticker ??) @ £2.25 again after good results this week. So off you go and I will see you in six months !!! Although I suspect you will be back to me before then !!!

Did you know : a) there are six American flags ‘planted’ on the Moon – Apollo’s 12 through to 17 inclusive (Apollo 13 – suffered from ‘unlucky 13’) b) the first couple to appear in bed together on TV were Fred and Wilma Flinstone c) ‘I am’ is the shortest complete sentence in the English language d) half of all Americans live within 60 miles of their birthplace – no surprising and e) Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer
Thoughts for the week : a) its amazing what you can achieve when you don’t care who gets the credit b) Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing it is always from the noblest motive c) People don’t fail, they give up d) a friend walks in when everyone else walks out and e) A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks
Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
Irish Government Departments are unfortunately full of THE MOST under-comp**ent and inc**able of taking the country out of its current financial and recovery predicament. They have grown up in a ‘community’ where they were not trained to understand how to respond to the problems that hit them, and the country, over three years ago. If you are brought up in Harlam, or other ‘troubled’ US City, you see nothing wrong breaking into cars, banks or assaulting people on the street. And hence those in Irish Government Depts are full of people who are ‘blind’ ………… and stubbornly unprepared for change, sacrifice and seeking forgiveness. There is NOW a frighteningly urgent need for ‘private sector achievers’ to be taken into the ranks of Government Depts at the HIGHEST level (not low ranking people who will with time become as contaminated and corrupted as those who have spent their career lifetime becoming comatose)
And what a shame. The current Government are doing such a great job. But their thinking, scripting and actions are so controlled by those who are at the centre of everything that happens in Government. It is not possible for our senior politicians to implement ideas or take actions that they believe in or that can make a real difference when the ‘microchip’ at the centre of all that can happen is attempting to ensure these things don’t happen. Remember Yes Minister. Or Yes Prime Minister. Well this is, regrettably, what Government is all about. BUT Ireland needs something radically different. But alas my words will disappear in the same way as the memories of Robert Emmett or the many other Patriots the country has been blessed with.
Even today, three years on from the signing of ‘the Guarantee’ that left the financial problems we have today enormously greater than they might have been, Government Depts still control our lives with the same ‘level of restricted thinking’. I won’t go into the many decisions over the past three months alone that will with time prove to have been the wrong choice.
When I read that Kevin Cardiff (previously a senior member in the very Dept that has miserably and unrepentantly failed Ireland and its people) is about to get a senior overpaid job in the EU, I again start to feel that suicide or euthanasia have merits. WHY ? HOW ? WHO makes these decisions. In the private sector if you fail, it banishes you to a place of other failed people. Failure is NOT rewarded.
Time for a change. Or PURGE. What is wrong with having greater numbers of Private Sector people involved in Government. It has worked in many other countries in the world. Lets

Reflections from the week :
Now I am VERY sorry about how Ireland centric this weeks HT is. Sincere apologies but I promise to be back to great internationalisation for the next edition. So please forgive me this week.
And so something new for my loyal and wonderful Readership. While it is ‘Ireland Centric’ you have to realise a) I am Irish and b) I CARE ….. most of the time !!! And so for the first time ever, I will publish EVERY month two new league tables. Yes highlighting ‘those people’ who deserve to be remembered and recognised by EVERYBODY on the Planet. And so after much reflection (assisted by me being in Ireland a little bit more) I have decided that we should all know who, in my opinion, should get justifiable recognition for their contribution to ‘life’ (or in one group ‘death’). Yes I am going to share with you my view of the ‘good and bad’ in Ireland. Those who cannot get out of bed without reflecting on ‘what damage they can do today’ and those who ‘make a difference’. Yep Ireland used to be known as the ‘Island of Saints and Scholars’. We now have an island of ‘Devils and Doers’. So here goes. Also apologies for the shortened version this week – it has been a busy fortnight and sorry to make you the ‘victims’.
Ireland’s Top Five– of those who are destroying the chances of an Irish Economic Recovery. To be followed below by those (Top 5) who should be bestowed with patriotic medals
1. Sean Quinn – who continues to attempt to cheat the Irish Taxpayer (remember he owes this money to the Taxpayer NOT Anglo Irish Bank. They are just the bailiffs for recovery of money for the Irish people)
2. David McWilliams – who likes to pretend he is positive by promoting events such as the Economic Forum but then continues his ‘Ireland is destroyed’ roadshows – including Dubai last week
3. Morgan Kelly – the Economist who just lives in a world where ‘we should avoid’.
4. Joe Duffy – who uses his overpaid National Radio job to create social dissatisfaction and insurrection
5. George Hook – Newstalk presenter who believes he knows everything about everything. What a ‘class’ act.
And the Top 5 who are the ‘Patriots’
1. Enda Kenny – Prime Minister who just allows each of his wonderful Ministers get on with their job responsibilities (remember these poor Members of Government were given such a cruel challenge and almost impossible economic mess)
2. All the Members of the current Government except ……. particularly Messrs Noonan, Rabitte, Howlin, Quinn, Gilmore, Shatter and Varadkar. Well done.
3. Emirates Airlines CEO (the truly wonderful Sheikh Ahmed) – who will start a route to Ireland from January 2012
4. Emmet Oliver – Irish Independent newspaper who, despite some negative bias, does speak with articulate ‘balance’ – something that is rather rare amongst journalists. I accept he is ‘borderline’ but if we don’t encourage some of ‘these people’ they will never join ‘the clean’
5. The many Irish people who just put the head down and get on with it. Particularly those who own companies and who, despite the cost odd’s stacked against them, make an economic and jobs difference – and thankfully there are so many of them. I will mention some by name in our next league table.
You will probably have gathered from the above that it was easier to produce the ‘sinners’ list. I will also add the observation that on National Radio and TV here virtually ALL of the show hosts/journalists do NOT allow positive thinking people to survive or have a fair hearing on their shows. The country is regrettably run by these tyrannical power-people and much of the positive things that could happen in the country gets suffocated because of ‘fear of the media’. Shame.

But I suppose the news of the week was the death of Colonel Gaddaffi. Dramatic TV scenes gave us an amazing visual of his last moments. You will have got enough of the story yesterday but all I will say here this morning is that how incredible it is that Gaddaffi and his sons stayed in Libya. In his hometown. How easy it would have been for him to escape to a ‘safer’ location. With lots of money. But he stayed, however difficult it might be for many of us to understand, to become a Martyr.
And now Libya, which is one of the richest countries in the world, can expect to be thrown into a Civil War. When this is over (a year or two) Ireland should be able to find a ‘special position’ for its exports, skills and trading.
The ‘death’ this week involved four (they used to be 5) wonderful Irish guys. Guys who brought joy and happiness to so so so many people. Well girls actually. Yes Westlife are dead. Well ‘will die’ is a more correct description. And with that so will the hearts of so many young girls (and a few boys) around the world. Poor Joanne. A lifelong fan. Just as well she has all the CD’s I bought her to remember these guys – who did do Ireland proud. Sad but well done to them for being around more than 10 years – a feat in itself for what is normally an ‘ego infested’ segment of the music industry.

And to happier stories. A little bit of Dubai – where the news …. and the weather is of a different planet. For those of you who ask me ‘show us evidence that Dubai is or has recovered from the worst, here is some ‘evidence’. Asking prices for two- and three-bedroom villas in the Springs community have shot up by as much as 25 per cent since the beginning of the year. This ‘experience’ is also evident for many of the villa’s on the Palm Jumeirah and other villa locations.

Recent research suggests that the UK eats five billion calories A DAY too much. WHAT ? A day ??? Yep. And let me put some ‘graphics’ on this for you. It is the equivalent to 16.9 million McDonald cheeseburgers PLUS 29 million (Starbucks) latte’s. And the population of the UK is only 65 million. Five billion calories ……………….. per day. I wonder what the equivalent would be for our ‘fat friends’ in the USA !!!!!

Finally the Irish Presidential Circus is coming to a close next week. And this poor country will have a ‘clown’ even greater than our previous Prime Minister – Brian Clown himself. Yes regrettably the Country is going to have to carry the embarrassment of ‘numpty President’ in addition to its economic woes.

Finally finally what do you think gives a woman ‘the jollies’. No this has nothing to do with ‘size’ or ‘time’ or ‘looks’. It has all to do with shopping. Ah yeah I hear you say. You should have known. BUT what items do you think they most prefer to shop for ? Well yes, shoes ARE high up on the list. As are ‘Summer dresses’. But it seems that handbags win. It provides the greatest sense of ‘happiness’. So now you know guys. And Christmas is only 9 weeks away. Also in the top 10 were jewellery, nice fitted jeans, a little black dress and concert tickets (not sure how that arrived on the list)

Boring event or person of the week :
No contest. Irish presidential hopeful Dana (yep for you foreign readers the one who represented us in the European song contest sometime back in 1755 !!). She even tried to ‘sex up’ her campaign with some story about a ‘press threat’ to release some story about her (or a member of her family’s past). Yawn. Yawn.

Fun Corner
Saint Peter brings the recently deceased Steve Jobs from Apple Computers through the Gates of Heaven. Everybody looks in awe of this latest ‘resident’. Then St Peter says to Steve there is somebody I want you to meet. They walk over to Moses and St Peter introduces him ‘Moses, can I introduce you to Steve, he will help with upgrading your Tablets’ !!!!

And another ‘Jobs’ one
A few years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction ……………………… I really love that one

My wife has got me on a diet of horlicks and viagra, the horlicks makes sure I get a good nights sleep, and the viagra stops me rolling out of bed

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Headmaster after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize, and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today…

Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith Care Home. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Isa

Riddles
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.. What’s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it’s worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’ and ‘aaaaaaah’?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don’t have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Obama is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women..
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?

Answer below!

Give up ???????

Answer ‘A Last Name.’

You didn’t think I’d send you a dirty joke, did you ?

A SHORT… BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….’Ma’am,
I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold’
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied…. ‘Just for tonight……let’s pretend that we’re married’
‘Wow!……………That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed…………..
‘Good,’ she replied…………….’Get your own fucking blanket.’
…………..After a moment of silence……….. he farted.
The End.

Currency Corner:
So the Euro volatility continued this week. More ‘Starbuck whispers’ (a reference to traders in London going for a ‘destressing’ coffee and creating a rumour that suits their ‘book’). And with every one a cent is either written off the value or added to the value of a currency. Misquotes. Mis-readings. Misunderstandings. Gossip. Mischiefness. All part of the exploitive landscape of equities, currencies, bonds and other asset instruments.
In my view the Euro is not under any ‘dissolution threat’. The cost to Germany and France of such an event is FAR greater (Euro 1.4 trillion is the current estimate) than supporting through loans (which remember will be repaid – except in Greece’s case – and will not result in a permanent investment or loan write off) the economically fragile sisters/brothers of Spain or Italy.
So you can expect the Euro to strengthen against the US$ and Sterling BUT not before those wonderfully incompetent politicians in Germany and France have given the currency moments of panic and distress. So short term you can expect 1.34/1.38 on the Euro/$ but longer term, we will see a return to the mid forties.
Equity Corner :
Just one tip for you this week. With the markets ultra sensitive to ‘rumours’ and ‘speculation’, it is time to be careful. But I do recommend Smurfit Kappa. A strong buy recommendation yesterday with a valuation estimate twice the current share price gives comfort. Results are next month. And while this share is highly leveraged to global (or more correctly European and American) economic conditions, the price more than discounts this.
Lets start to make some money. Smurfit Kappa will help. If you prefer something ‘more safe’ (in my best English) – go for

Did you know : a) did you know that area codes (for phones) were only introduced in 1951. In the US of course. b) the 911 emergency number in the USA was only introduced in the late 1960’s and was first known as ‘nine-eleven’ which later had to be ‘changed’ to ‘nine-one-one’ to avoid confusion with people wasting time looking for the ‘11’ button. Only in America !! c) the most expensive phone number ever auctioned is 666-6666 and obtained $2.7 million – sold to a ‘person’ in Qatar d) Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has the number 888-8888 ….. so go on. Give him a call and e) the phone number from Glenn Millers song Pennsylvania 6-5000 still exists today. And it will get you through to Hotel Pennsylvania. And Alicia Keys mentioned her phone number is a recent song – 489-4608. Now all I need is the pre-fix.
Thoughts for the week : a) feeding your conscience with excuses is like giving sleeping pills to your watchdog b) my wife has added some magic to our marriage …. she has vanished c) if there is a staffing problem at the maternity unit, is it a midwife crisis and d) Those who say it can’t be done are usually interrupted by others doing it and e) It’s your attitude and not your aptitude that determines your altitude
Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
I am just back from 2 weeks in Dubai and have to report a significant uplift in confidence, road traffic, shopper traffic in shopping malls, car parking congestion, rental pricing in the property market etc etc, all lead to the conclusion that Dubai is well on the path to recovery. And the property estate agents are again buzzing around the bars and restaurants with new confidence and wealth.
Here is a small, but typical, comment from one estate agent in his August publication (he is a Palm Jumeirah specialist)
As we enter Q3 of 2011 I have to say that in general this year has been an amazing turn around in terms of sales activity on The Palm – compared to the same time 12 months ago. We have witnessed a massive increase in Villa sales and prices. And when I last checked with Dubai Land Department there had been a total of 103 Palm villas transferred – about 7% of the total. In just 6 months. And at prices up to 20% higher than 2010. This, alongside all the apartment sales we have witnessed, is surely very encouraging news for the future of The Palm.
This commentary is also true of the Marina and Downtown Dubai (where the Burj Khaliffa is located).
There has also been a spectacular new initiative by the Government to assist with the completion of partially or early stage completion developments where the Developer cannot access the money need to make further construction progress. It is under the ‘guidance’ of the Lands Dept and there is no doubt it brings new faith and comfort to local and overseas investors. It is not about supply increase anymore, investors now want their projects to be completed,” a spokesperson for the Lands Dept says.
He stressed that Real Estate Development plan will supplement other initiatives likes Tayseer (projects that have been guaranteed funding by the Government), which has already signed 48 projects. Majida Ali Rashed, Senior Counsel Strategy, DLD, said in March that the number of projects registered under Tayseer had reached 114.
Tayseer was launched in June last year with 40 projects in Business Bay, Dubai Marina and Jumeirah Lake Towers being approved in the first phase.
This new initiative and move will significantly boost liquidity in the market and bolster confidence in Dubai’s real estate sector

One word of warning for anybody intending to live in the UAE. Please ENSURE you get your National ID card. The Government are about to assault the market to ensure compliance and the penalties for non compliance are severe. It is also worth remembering that work visa’s are now only for a 24 month term.

One little story from last week – since I am being accused of not talking about my personal experiences in Dubai any longer (some readers still remember the ‘Igor Era’ !!). I am sitting in Dubai Immigration Dept (official business) waiting for ticket 2104 to be called when I receive this tap on the shoulder. Upon turning around I see this 20 something young Arab who asks if I would like him to review ‘my papers’. Never being one to upset a ‘Local’, I gave him ‘2104’s documents’.
He was obviously impressed that ALL documents were in order but then hit me with something that nobody really wants to hear ………. particularly at 8.35 in the morning. He looked at me impressed but sad …… ‘Yanny your paper is all very good but it big shame you have work this to immigration. It not right that OLD MAN need do this’. OUCH. Thankfully the rest of the day improved. And Khalid’s phone number is now in my directory !! Despite his ‘youthful’ Arab honesty.

A final piece of news from Dubai is that the Government finances are now ‘fully recovered’. Dubai is now officially about to get its credit rating upgraded – something very unique in the current global credit markets.

Reflections from the week :
This week sadly saw the passing away of Steve Jobs. The man who has changed the type of phone and computer ‘plastic’ we all now slavishly use everyday (I remember a time when these ‘machines’ did not exist). Steve brought ‘touch’ and ‘ease of use’ to the mobile table. He did not create a method that the consumer wanted. He worked on the principle that the consumer needed to be convinced what the needed and therefore wanted. And so the world of computers and mobile phones chased Steve’s ‘way of life’.
Here are a few things you may not have known about this wonderful man, who worked up to 8 weeks ago in the stressful role of one of the worlds largest and most successful companies.
Steve Jobs was a Syrian with the birth name Abdulfattah Jandali. He was adopted by US citizens – Paul and Clara Jobs. He has a famous sister who is the author of several famous books – Mona Simpson. At the age of 30 he was SACKED by Apple Computers. He only drew a salary of $1 per year from Apple – enough to enable him qualify for the company health benefits. He used to drive an ‘unmarked’ Mercedes (not sure how that works !!). Despite being born in Syria (Muslim) and raides in the US (mostly Christian), Steve was a Buddhist in terms of faith. He was the single largest shareholder in Disney (whose products he loved). And a few other ‘quickies’. He was dyslexic, went looking for ‘enlightenment’ in India in 1974, a troublemaker at school (something that might make parents more ‘tolerant’ of theirs !!), loved calligraphy (oh look it up if you don’t know what it is !!), he wore a suit ONCE (an interview with Atari), he had previously been declared DEAD in 2008 (Bloomberg incorrectly announced it over the wires) and he was a fruitarian.
Yes a unique man in so many ways.

Have you ever in a ‘quiet moment’ thought about the future. Not your future. The future of the earth. Or world. Well let me pose some ‘fillers’ for you the next time you have such time available. If the population of the world grows by 9000 every hour of every day, how does that translate into a) the number of new schools that will be needed …. in the future b) the amount of extra food that will be needed c) the hospital additions d) the new jobs that will need to be created or the pressure on Government finances to pay Social Welfare etc etc etc. Yes the population of the world will, at current rates, DOUBLE every 54 years. So TWELVE billion by 2060.
And sticking with age/population, did you know that there are now nearly 13,000 people in the UK that are over 100 years old. Yep. And that is up 9% in 2010 alone. 100 years ago there were only 100 centenarians. And there are expected to be over 100,000 by 2035 – a larger population that virtually every town/city in Ireland. And the expression of ‘super-centenarian’ has not got into the vocabulary – which is anybody over 110 years young. Also have you thought of how this demographic affects the amount of money passed on through inheritances (not only the timing but the fact that ‘these people’ are spending money that you could spend !!!!). But that is the banker in me.
One possible event that may change the pattern of global population growth is Iran. As I have said many many times, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the tyrants he represents pose a real and immediate threat to world peace and stability. This lunatic and the extreme radicalism of his Masters, WILL result in a war that could become Global. It is interesting that in all the ‘uprisings’ of the past 12 months in the Muslim world, Iranian suppression of its people has ensured that no such ‘freedom’ is achieved by a people who have so much greatness and value to bring to the Planet. And unfortunately the West has ‘spent’ its military might (and finances) on Iraq and Afghanistan, so when the Iran decides to use its ‘atomic and military might’ the world is a weaker place to contain these ‘monsters’.
Now girls I have MULTIPLE good news for you. Cellulite is a thing of the past. Yes just one hour of laser zapping and you will see improvements almost immediately. Yes the Holy Grail for many women (did you know that it can ‘start’ in some women from the age of 20) if here. ‘Orange peel’ thighs, legs, buttocks and even upper arms gone to the same fate as Osama Bin Laden. These fatty lumps trapped beneath the skin can be history …………… if you can afford the £3000 treatment. And the results are ‘lasting’ ……………. well for 70% of those treated. Yes you are likely to hear more about the Cellulaze laser – what an original name.
And another ‘disappearing gadget’ is one designed by Swedish Military experts (at Bae Systems) can make tanks ‘look’ like cows and make them ‘invisible’ to night vision goggles and the sensors of heat guided missiles. I guess those last two points are of little comfort to cows who may now raise the ‘suspicions’ of the enemy. We don’t have time to go into the other possibilities …. but the thought of disguising mother in laws comes to mind.
And for the guys if you want to reduce your chances of getting Prostrate Cancer then a) stay away from eggs – US research has concluded that those who have consumed more than 3 eggs per week are 81 per cent more likely to get the disease (the average Brit consumes 2.5 eggs per week) and b) Statins can help reduce your risk by up to 24%. Statins have been very effective in reducing blood levels of cholesterol and also help in reducing blood clots, Alzheimers and eye disorders. Seems like good value at an average cost of just 40 pence per day.
And on the subject of cholesterol did any of you see the new ‘frying machine’ which is ‘fat free’. It works (or cooks) without oil thus producing chips, burgers that are healthier and tastier (although I am not sure about that). The Philips Airfryer uses a grill and a fan that blasts heat around the food at very high temperatures and speed. And its use has now been extended to cooking quiches, breads and other foods. Seems like good value at £240 per machine.
Did you know that on September 22 nd the cornerstone of Physics (Einsteins Theory of Relativity – speed of light) was ‘destroyed’. Scientists at a Swiss University recorded (on three occasions) the ‘sending’ of particles to a lab in Italy which beat the speed of light by 60 nano-seconds. Otherwise recorded as a speed of 299,798,454 meters per second. Wow. Just like Brian O Driscoll in the match against Italy.
I just loved this next idea. It relates to crowd violence and hooliganism in Soccer. And in Turkey in particular – unanimously acknowledged as the most violent location for Clubs playing in European competitions. The Turkish Football Association ONLY allowed women and children into the most recent Fernabace league match. And guess what. There was a FULL house of 41,000. And yes, there were no arrests, no obscene chants, no fights and no swearing. Yes there was an obvious lack of intelligence and knowledge of the game in the stadium (!!!!) but the trade off was one that has given the green light to a repeat of this wonderfully creative decision.
And the Irish Government are having a two day ‘think session’ on how to make the Economy recover faster. Irish, and quasi-Irish, business people from around the world are invited to a two day ‘behind doors’ meeting in Ireland. Unlike the previous such event two years ago under the Fianna Fail (intentional mis-spelling) stewardship, I think Enda Kenny and his Partners in Government WILL make this one work. So please Enda don’t let me, and your large new fan club, down. Bill Clinton is flying in to be part of Group. ONE piece of advice Enda. You should appoint a Tsar (or even a Minister) to ensure any valuable and workable ideas are prioritised and implemented.
Finally remember a weak Euro brings inflation to the Eurozone which will lead to higher (rather than lower) interest rates ……….. which in turn will strengthen the currency.
Finally finally for those of you who don’t believe that Ireland and its people cannot produce world beating products or technology, then think again. Only a short time after Norkom was sold to BAe Systems, Blackberry owner (RIM) has just bought the Irish software company NewBay. More evidence of just what this small country is capable off. Well Done Paddy Holohan (who created NewBay in 2002) and his team on landing this $100 million deal.

Boring event or person of the :
The Welsh rugby team Manager – who used to manage the Irish team. IF I hear one more time how confident and super human his team are, I will feel compelled to visit a doctor and have my ears removed. Lets see how wonderful your team are on the playing field …………. you arrogant piece of decayed cheese.

Fun Corner
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!”
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!”
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!”
The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street

Some thoughts to reflect

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he came across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and went on his way.
A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his pocket, “help, help”! He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it back into his pocket.
Again, “help, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again.
Moments later, “Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful princess. I’ll do_anything_if_ you_ help_ me, anything”! The man simply took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again!
The little green frog again screamed out “Help, I’m the most beautiful princess, if you kiss me and help me I’ll do anything, marry you, sleep with you, give you money, ANYTHING.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and said “I’m a computer programmer; I work too much so a girlfriend or wife is of no use to me. But, a small talking green frog is cool.”

(Read this with an Italian accent) I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna L.A. to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to t he toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings m e a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: “Peace on you.” I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!

SIGNS SEEN IN OUR TRAVELS

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men
Women’s restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men’s restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it
Women’s restroom
Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Jake was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language.
He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, Jake asked how he had learned to use sign language.
The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. Jake thought that was great.
A few minutes later Jake noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed, “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
Jake asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ‘I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’

I said, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’
She said, ‘He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’

She said, ‘For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.’

I said, ‘Well, why in the world would you be crying?’

She said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!’

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’

When the husband died, his wife put the death notice in the paper, adding that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.’

Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.’

The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.’

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me…I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from ?

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed

Why S&P downgraded the US

SIMPLE YET VERY INTERESTING CALCULATION !!

• U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
• Federal budget: $3,820,000,000,000
• New debt: $1,650,000,000,000
• National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
• Recent budget cut: $38,500,000,000

Let’s remove 8 zeros and pretend it’s a household budget:

• Annual family income: $21,700
• Money the family spent: $38,200
• New debt on the family credit card: $16,500
• Outstanding balance on the family credit card: $142,710
• Total family budget cuts: $385

How do you think you bank or a credit scoring would go on this ‘showing’.

Currency Corner:
The complete destruction of the Euro. Inevitable ? How many signals do the Germans and French need ? As long as the Greek debt situation remains unresolved, there will now be NO respite for the beleaguered currency. And in all this uncertainty the US $ is in the unfamiliar territory of ‘haven status’. But I now expect, that with European inflation a full 1% above the 2% set by the ECB, you might expect that European interest rates will not now fall as expected over the Autumn/Winter months. So the 1.32 (hit earlier in the week) level will be the LOWEST and the currency will bounce from there. Yesterday’s decision by the ECB (Trichets final announcement as President) to keep rates on hold, in my view, signals a return to its obsession with inflation rather than what is economically helpful to EU Members.
Remember a weak currency brings inflation ………… something the Eurozone does not want at the moment as it will damage the chances of low (or lower) interest rates being maintained.
The $/Yen paid some dividends this week but it has still not broken convincingly through the 77 mark. I still like the trade up to 80.
The UK and Sterling is still my favourite currency for those uncertain about the Euro or US$. Nice coupon and fundamentally the UK economy is better placed than most prime currency alternatives.
Equity Corner :
Let us make the large jump of belief that the Global Credit Markets will not freeze (I know this could be a very brave assumption) and that there capitalist world has a chance. Assuming this to be the case then Global Equities are cheap. Very cheap.
It has been a strange, although we have had warnings, week on Global Equity bourses. Desperation on Monday and Tuesday only for champagne to hit the trading floors Wednesday and Yesterday. Given that this reversal happened with no real change in the Global outlook, one would have to believe that we are again being manipulated by those who trade the markets and are letting valuations float ‘north’ with the intention of volume selling early next week. So be careful. I DO believe there will be what will be considered a ‘global recession’.
I had unhesitatingly recommended Prudential Plc (the insurance conglomerate) to some friends earlier this week and unfortunately the Company’s price movement yesterday (up 10%) has taken some of the ‘obvious value’ out of the stock – it rose 15% from its low of Tuesday. While I think £7 is possible over the next 6/9 months I would prefer we wait to see if the price drifts back towards £5.35/40 and move if this happens. The other tip is Man Group (on a take over play …. but need to be careful) which has been ‘destroyed’ (has fallen 35% over past three weeks) since an update two weeks ago. The selling is overdone, but do be careful.
If the Credit Markets freeze the credit paralysis will knock up to 20% off current market valuations.

Did you know : a) the picture that decorates the Nobel Peace Prize medal is of three naked men with their hands on each other’s ……… shoulders b) apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings c) opposite sides of the dice cube always add up to seven. D) the original name of the ‘butterfly’ was ‘flutterby’ and e) the US State of Florida is larger than the country of England.

Thoughts for the week : a) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same b)
My wife and I married for better or worse. She couldn’t do better. I couldn’t do worse c) when blondes have more fun, do they know it !!! d) where there is smoke, there is dinner and e) few women admit their age. Fewer men act theirs

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
Dubai continues to ‘selectively’ clamp down on illegal law breakers/illegal workers. There have been 205 ‘convictions’ (same as the number arrested – just the system) so far in 2011. Street vending, beggars and car washing are the most ‘prominent’ category of those arrested. Also on the list are ‘butchers’ (well the ones that sell meat) and fish mongers. NO home help or cleaners. So there must be none. Right ??? And as well are there are NONE, the Dubai Labour Dept continue to make it near impossible to give new visas to legitimate cleaning companies. Yes, like Pretty Polly. Such is life in Dubai.
And then there are the road traffic violators. Despite numerous road safety campaigns, young (Emirati) drivers do not seem to get the message. Of the 375 who died on the roads of AD last year 77.3% were under 30 years old. And most of the accidents were due to speeding. Now there is a surprise. At least the return of traffic congestion in Dubai has sobered some of the ‘drag speedsters’ and deaths on the Dubai roads fell 8% in 2010.
On the inflation front, there will be another major dip in 2011 with an outcome of 2.5% now expected. While property and transport inflation have fallen, unfortunately food inflation remains upward in direction.
And finally on the UAE there have been 1.5 million identity cards issued over the past 8 months. These are new identity cards, which electronically store EVERY piece of information on you including you DNA and eye iris, which everybody living in the UAE MUST have by the end of the first quarter of 2012.

Reflections from the week :
Let me start with a few cheers in the field of sport. First congrats to the Irish Rugby team for defeating my old Aussie friends. A truly wonderful performance. A result that delivered me a wonderful opportunity to chat to all my Aussie friends – on my new cheap Tesco mobile. Strange how the Aussie’s take sport so seriously.
But despite the greatness of this performance in New Zealand, it was nothing to the wonderfulness, drama and excitement of the All Ireland Football final. Yes it was only won in the final 10 seconds. And the score was delivered by the Dublin goalkeeper (a gaelic football pitch is 140 meters long – over 40% longer than a soccer pitch ). Four points behind with 7 minutes to play against the strongest team in Ireland. Oh yes I forgot, Dublin were playing Kerry. And they (well WE) won. What tension. What drama. What intensity. What a dream come true. 84,000 spectators saw what was probably the best All Ireland ever. But I guess there are a ‘few’ guys (and gals) in Kerry who might disagree with this. They will however remember ‘Black’ Sunday – September 18th

If you were asked how many (Catholic) Saints there are what would be your guess. Or maybe you know. But go on. How many ? Well this answer surprised me. There are over 11,000. And I thought this was a special type of person. Just as well our churches are not obliged to have a statue for each one.
For some of us it might be interesting to know that the Anglican Church/Communion only has ONE Saint – King Charles 1 of England (HOW can a king be a Saint !!). Now HE was obviously special.

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Parker from New York. It is a nice coincidence that both these wonderful and happily married people share the same birthday – July 19th. And NOW their first born, a son (Mason), who was born just a few weeks ago did the SAME. Yes he was born on the SAME day (yes I know, NOT the same year) as his parents. He did leave it late however. Just 24 minutes before midnight – which would have brought him into the ‘wrong’ day. But what a GREAT day July 19th will be in the Parker household. For those of you interested the odd’s of this happening are 366,000 to 1. While I suppose you could ‘manufacture’ this wonderful event, I would have thought the odd’s would be far greater.

Sinn Fein had its annual ‘think in’ recently. WHY is it that politicians have to speak more often than they have something worthwhile to say. And WHY do they feel they have to make comments on the financial aspects of the economy when they obviously have no talent, capability or knowledge on the subject. This group of former terrorists expressed as much knowledge about finance, the Euro, Economics and banking as I would expect from a microwave. Or maybe that is being a bit unfair ….. to the microwave. But at least donkeys don’t win Derby’s. And hopefully the same applies to National Elections. I mean can you imagine your 5 year old niece or nephew in charge of air traffic control at a major international airport !!! Yep I think you get the picture.

Somebody else ‘acting the piss’ during the last week was well known (and in some quarters, respected) French actor Gerard Depardieu. Apparently Gheeree (to use his French ‘name’) waiting for a flight to leave the runway at Dublin airport when ‘nature called’. Obviously the crew instructed that under NO circumstances that he should unbuckle his seat belt, let alone attempt to carry his not ‘under-invested’ body to the loo. And so the dilemma. Pressure building and increasing pain. And then a friend to the rescue. His fellow passenger offered an empty bottle that ‘might help’ with the relief mission. What this good Samaritan passenger did not realise was that Gheeree had a little more in the tank than ‘the bottle’ was capable of holding. And so our (big) Gheeree proceeded to ‘overflow’ the bottles capacity, onto the floor …………………. which ‘pool’ I presume picked up pace through as the plane ascended to 30,000 feet. I am presuming that Mr Depardieu was towards the front of the aircraft and that the overflow was as large as his body. In which case ‘the stream’ was probably more a ‘river’.

Now it is always nice to see how the ‘other 1% on the Planet’ live. Well let’s specifically concentrate on those who own yachts. Well super yachts. Here are some samples of what you can expect to see on these ‘trinket’ assets. Take Paul Allen from Microsoft whose 414 ft ‘boat’ has a basketball court. The Sultan of Oman (Sultan Quboos) has a full concert hall which has the capacity to host a 50 piece symphony orchestra. And you cannot talk about yachts with bringing Roman Abramovich (Chelsea’s Russian owner) into the gossip. Well his ‘sea house’, the Eclipse, which cost a ‘bargain’ £665 million has a submarine and an aquarium. And this one I LOVE. A new 510 footer (again owned by Roman) will have a ‘mini Grand Prix track’ AND ‘mini’ versions of (Monaco’s) landmark buildings – Hotel de Paris and Monte Carlo Casino. YES on a BOAT. And that is before I go anywhere near the boat which our own Sheikh Mohammad owns – which is taller than a 25 story skyscraper. A bargain at $400 million
Well I guess I

And while on expensive things, Irelands most expensive house has fallen by 75% in value. Yep I guess that says a lot about ‘the minds’ of Irish businessmen in 2003. At the time it cost Euro 58 million (Shrewsbury Road) and now it for sale ……………….. at a Euro 43 million DISCOUNT. Yep you would feel a bit sick if you had been the last buyer …………….. who is believed to have been by the litigious and not very pleasant Sean Dunne. Apparently the house also needs some ‘paint and upgrade’. But that is unlikely to cost more than Euro 2 million.

Now a new pet hate for me. Irish taxi’s. No not their dress sense or their sense of conversation. No it is all to do with pricing. Are Irish taxis the MOST expensive on the Planet. Would not be surprising given Irelands struggle to re-price downwards as a result of the excesses during the silly Celtic Tiger days. Even taxi’s in London or Paris are cheaper than these cheeky drivers who just hand you a price list approved by the Irish Taxi Regulator if you challenge the fare. And so practices such as charging you one extra Euro for every passenger above 1 that gets into the cab. WHERE else does such a stupid practice exist. So if there are four of you, it will be THREE extra Euro on top of an already extortionate Euro 4.45 starting price. Sorry taxi drivers, its time that your pricing party is brought into line with other income/pricing sacrifices being made in the Country.

Another ‘hatred’ I have relates to Michael Fingleton – the previous CEO of the bankrupted Irish Nationwide Bank. He ran this like a personal business and the use of the word bank on the business was as accurate as it would be to suggest that Ahmedinijad from Iran is a saintly humanitarian. Anyhow Fingers (as he was affectionately known by the girls in ‘the Bank’) was not in court this week to hear an unfair dismissal case. Strange. Why was he not defending his old employer. Well it seems that he had to attend a court hearing ‘in a foreign land’. But nobody knows what he was doing in a foreign court. Hopefully the complainant or prosecutor will have greater success in getting this great ‘financial Houdini’ behind bars or at a minimum pay for some of his financial sins ………….. and cost to the Irish taxpayer. HOW this man seems to avoid ‘legal or journalistic’ attention in Ireland is beyond me. It is also surprising why Shane Ross NEVER mentions or criticises Mr Fingleton ……………… given Mr Rosses boring but unending attack on banks. Has Fingers got some ‘photo’s’ on our Shaney !!!

Another Donkey that has left devastation in his wake is former Irish Prime Minister Brian Clown. Not only has he committed (economic) Crimes against his people, but now it seems he has destroyed his (Fianna Fail) Party. A once powerhouse of Irish
Mercozy. Yes you GOT it, the ugly duo from France and Spain still remain in their own brainless world of economics. And in so doing are actually inflicting greater damage on their own economies than it would cost if they were to increase the ‘crisis’ reserve funding for their less financially strong sisters !! Greece WILL default. Home Thoughts told you this 15 months ago. The impact will now be armageddonish. And as the credit markets move towards a full freeze, something that would destroy most economies on the Planet ……………… and you can expect 40% written off equity values world wide.
Also remember it is in NO Governments interest to have stock markets in decline.
I am also tiring of the debate, by the ‘Barbie hearted’ of Ireland who seem to believe that any householder who has a problem in meeting his/her mortgage repayments, should have a component of this debt ‘forgiven’. What complete and utter bull-shit. There are so many more viable, and fair, options to this financial problem. I have lived through and studied ‘negative equity’ in more than 10 countries/periods around the world. NEVER do Governments force the banks to take write offs. This entire stupid debate about debt forgiveness for mortgage obligants infuriates me. What about 30 and 40 year mortgages. Solves the problem and DON’T please let the Government or Regulator be bullied into feeling that it is ‘smoke screening’ the issue. Also how would these ‘Barbie softies’ feel if the Government introduced a tax or levy to cover for the resulting losses (and loss of capital) in the bank balance sheets. How would these idiots feel then. And this levy raising is something that the Irish Government has used frequently when the insurance industry has let them down.

Sticking with matters of mis/non Governance, the dignity of the office of Irish Presidency has been destroyed by the farcical circus that has surrounded it. A complete sham. And not any candidate that the people of Ireland can be proud of in the way they have been with the two previous holders of the Presidency – Mary McAleese and Mary Robinson. No matter who wins the election in late October that person will be of an embarrassingly lower calibre. Shame.

Finally which would you prefer – to never be forgotten or always be remembered. Hehehehe. Difficult eh ???
Finally finally For those of you who want to test your powers of concentration or observance go to the Invisible Gorrilla dot com website over the weekend and have some fun. I of course spoilt the experience for myself by hearing about what to expect first. Something I would NOT do to you my cherished readers.

Boring event or person of the Holiday :
It has to be the Newstalk journalists who just seem intent on talking down Ireland, its Government and the entire Nations attempt to get its economic feet back on the ground. A curse and shame on them all ………………… yes Ivan Yates, George Hook (who has to be the MOST sulky, arrogant and opinionated bully on the Irish media airways) etc etc. Overpaid Grim Reapers who are only happy when they are ‘destroying rather than building’. OH and Mr Joe Duffy (RTE) you are the WORST

Fun Corner
Subject: WOMAN’S POEM
Date: Sun, 18 Sep 2011 12:16:04 +0100

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep.
One whose handsome, smart and strong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who will call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed so when I
spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens the door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
O’h send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me no end
And always be my very best friend.

Now for
MAN’S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who own’s an off licence, a boat and golf course.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit….

An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.’’

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

> > MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men…are men.

The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”

The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”

Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.

Subject: A little paper bag !!!

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.

‘Doctor, I don’t feel too good,’ said the little Paper bag.

‘Hmm, you look OK to me,’ said the Doctor, ‘but I’ll do a blood test
and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.’

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
‘What’s wrong with me?’ asked the little paper bag.

‘I’m afraid you are HIV positive!’ said the doctor.

‘No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag!’ Said the little paper
bag.

‘Have you been having unprotected sex?’ asked the doctor.

‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?’
asked the doctor.

‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood
transfusion?’ queried the doctor.

‘NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Well’, said the doctor, ‘are you in a homosexual Relationship?’

‘NO! I told you I can’t do things like that, I’m Just a little paper
bag!’

‘Then there can be only one explanation.’ said the doctor

SCROLL DOWN (for real this time)

>
>
>
>

>’Your mother must have been a carrier’

Sharing of marriage…
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain
hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered —

‘THE TEETH.’

Before and After Marriage :
Before Marriage
John : Ah …. at last, I can hardly wait
Jane : Do you want me to leave
John : NO ! Don’t even think about it
Jane : Do you love me ?
John: Of course ! Always have and always will !
Jane : Have you ever cheated on me ?
John : NO ! Why are you even asking ?
Jane : Will you kiss me ?
John : Every chance I get !
Jane: Will you hit me ?
John: Hell no ! Are you crazy ?!
Jane : Can I trust you ?
John: YES
Jane: Darling !!
After Marriage
Read from the bottom back to the top
And now for an ‘elder’ couple (well 75 +)
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts…..

Claude was thinking: ‘If I’d known she was still a virgin, I’d have been gentler.’
Maude was thinking: ‘If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken my tights off ‘
And for those who think they know everything ………………
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead…I’ll wait…
****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olivefrom each salad served in first-class.
**************************************************************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
(That women are going the ‘right’ direction…?)
*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN !
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first ‘ Marlboro Man’.
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE
IN VINEGAR !
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola , and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…
but, not downstairs.

************************************************************************
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
***************************************************

And the best for last….
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don’t YOU ?)

So…………………..

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on……and go move your toothbrush !!!

Currency Corner:
Yep the Euro is where you would expect it. In the toilet. No surprise given the circus going on over ‘will they, won’t they’ ? Will Greece be able to convince its Euro sisters that it WILL be able to meet all the IMF/EU crisis loan conditions. And will German and French ‘clowns’ really appreciate that you have to stop ‘kicking the problem down the road’. Action is needed now.
Anyhow its not as if the US economy is in world class health. But such is the fear of Europe that the $ is benefitting. Or is having a strong currency, ‘a benefit’. Expect this position to continue short term.
My ‘platinum’ tip on currencies is buy the US$ against the Yen.
Equity Corner :
Well you don’t need me to tell you that we are going through ‘sensitive times’ in global stock markets. While there are varying reasons given – Greece, the Euro, US debt etc – the most dangerous event that could COMPLETELY derail equities across all bourses is a freezing of credit markets globally. The Global economy, as much as local economies, need a fully functioning and healthy banking system. Like it or not, banks are the established channel for ‘churning’ money around the economies of the world. IF banks and other financial companies stop trusting each other then a central pillar of how the capitalist world works is punctured. With DIRE consequences. When this happened in 2008 the Governments of the world were seen as credit worthy and they put themselves into the role of ‘economy stimulators’. Unfortunately this cannot be the case this time, since most Sovereigns are now seen to be over-borrowed and are having to reduce their debt levels.
So THIS to me is the GREATEST risk we all run.
Apart from that I think equities will stabilise and there will be some bargain valuations on which we can build a Christmas war-chest. But not this week.
Next week I recommend (with moderate confidence) HSBC (£4.88) – despite being in the ‘financial space’ I think it is oversold given its global spread (particularly Asia)
In the possible takeover shop, I think you should have a look at Invensys or Man Plc (if it goes under £2.05).

Did you know :
a) that the fastest mammal is the dolphin who can swim at 35 miles per hour (the fastest human can swim at 6 mph) b) a zebra is white with black stripes c) all the planets in the solar system rotate anti-clockwise except Venus d) the word ‘listen’ has the same letters as the word ‘silent’ and e) The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start

Thoughts for the week :
a) The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt b) Nothing fails like prayer c) There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have and d) of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
Just a few points this week – as part of my commitment to keep HT ‘briefish’ !!!
Well with Ramadan (and Eid) over, there are no excuses if the resumption of the Dubai economic recovery, falters. 2011 has seen a steady resurrection in both the economic data, employment and property prices. There are now 8 months with no obstructions. So fingers crossed. Better times ahead.
Abu Dhabi airport passenger traffic also continues to benefit from Etihad’s growing global presence. In July, most transit traffic, passenger numbers grew by 13% – albeit from a low base it still amounted to 1.2 million which is a new record. It is also interesting that Etihads top five routes are London, Doha, Bangkok, Jeddah and Manila. Dublin is actually the airlines third highest load factor but has not as many flights as these other locations.
There are rumours that UAE Nationals will no longer need a visa to enter Ireland. WOW that would be a great ‘win’ and further endear the Irish to this important trading partner and enthusiastic supporter of our country.
It is also worth noting that Dubai Ports (Dubai World) will enter the FTSE next week. Another sign that Dubai’s financial condition has improved enormously from the much publicised (and exaggerated) problems of three years ago.

Reflections from the week :
For those of you ‘joining’ Home Thoughts from Dubai for the first time, its origins are a ‘penance’ I set myself 7 years ago when I came to Dubai. It was a way of ‘writing’ to friends, family and business partners telling them that I was ‘fine’ or ‘ok’ and dumping my views of what was going on in parts of business and world life, into their homes, businesses and private lives. Readers include people from the highest level of business (at least that’s what some of them tell me) to my Mother (yes I know, mothers will always tell you what you want to hear). And so the content may seem ‘scattered’ and ‘mixed’ – but such is the essentialness of ‘gripping’ the attention of the readership diversity. I also occasionally include Mahmoud Ahmedinijad from Iran – just to annoy him and increase my Iranian audience (and site ‘hits’), Michelle Pfeifer in the hope of her one day realising that I am worth a ‘shot’ and many other well known global names from entertainment, sport, politics and business as I have come to realise through that wonderful tool, Google Analytics, that my weekly ‘site visits or hits’ increases alarmingly with the use of such journalistic tactics.
Now you can all appreciate the ‘body and mind sapping’ nature of this weekly commitment I have given over the past 7 years (really only 42 weeks as I take some deserved time off at Christmas and Summer) and as I go into the next phase of my ‘career’ and life, I now need to let you all have more time to yourselves and release you from being a ‘slave’ to my weekly insights. No, don’t worry, I am not going to abandon you. I am just going to move Home Thoughts (or ‘David’s letter from the Arab World’ as my Mum calls it) from a weekly to a fortnightly communication. That way, we will all have a better quality of life and you know what they say ‘absence makes the heart grow ……….’ !!!
So enough of the ‘intro’ let me get on with this fortnights fun.
One of the most ‘interesting’ aspects of recent business life, has been the complete absence of financial leadership in Europe and specifically the management of the European economies (yes it IS plural) and the Euro. This lack of leadership, primarily by Merkel in Germany (aren’t we in Ireland lucky that we now no longer have the ugliest Prime Minister in Europe) and the fat noses dwarf President Sarkozy in France, has effectively put an end to the Euro currency. It may take time but it is now inevitably unless there is a major U-Turn amongst the ‘parent States of Germany and France’. It is also breathtakingly astonishing how the world, and Europe specifically, has allowed the Global Press and Financial Analysts (yes the ones who dream up why the world should end) to concentrate on the debt levels of so many Sovereign States around the world. These same analysts/journalists were the ones who 3 years ago were predicting the end of the ‘Western World’ as its banking system went into meltdown. But with the concerted efforts of Global Governments (the only ‘entities’ that were ‘allowed’ to borrow money at the time) this potential Armageddon was avoided. And now , with the world almost ‘normalised’, these same ‘Reapers’ are trying find another reason for the world to end. IF Governments around the world are compelled to run down budget and borrowing deficits too quickly then there WILL be a Global recession – which will hand a ‘win’ to guys who should really not be allowed share the oxygen of our Planet. But alas they are winning and hence my second prediction. There IS a Global recession ahead.
Finally on finance commentary. Isn’t it strange that most Governments will accept that they NEED the banking system to be lending and functioning properly for Economies to recover and grow, and yet these same Governments attack, punish, vilify and regulate these very ‘pillars of the economy’ in a way that prevents them from performing what is economically essential.
Now Mums turn. Did you know the latest fashion trend to hit the streets amongst the rich females of the Planet, is to have ‘handbag pups’. Now we all know the woman’s ‘umbilical attachment’ to handbags but this brings the habit to a new mountain top. Yes apparently all the branded shopping streets of the world now have women who on closer observation of the thing draped from their shoulder or arm, has a little confused Chihuahua, Pomeranian or Pug Cross peering out from the Louis Vuitton or D & G handbag. I just don’t know. And I thought finance was full of eccentricities. But I guess it brings new meaning to ‘taking the dog for a walk, darling’.
Now another ‘trend’ that is about to ‘infect’ the rich – if it is not already part of their lives – the growth in ‘Body Parts Laboratories (or shops)’ around the world. The list is endless. In addition to the ‘cosmetic products’ that have been available for years, the ‘shelves’ now include leg muscle (I am not sure if that is really a Victoria Beckham product), fingers (now you are talking), a windpipe (that might help Vicky Becks irritating voice), an eye (the idea is you can buy one, not gauge one out), spinal nerves and a brain (now you can definitely expect to see Vicky in that dept. Imagine being able to buy something you always wanted !!). And ALL these products have been GROWN in Laboratories as opposed taken from other humans. So Vicky, you don’t have to take any ‘dirty’ parts from other bodies …………. sorry humans.
One woman who seems to challenge VB’s place in the history of ‘odiousness’ will just NOT go away. What is it with Sarah Palin, the US Republican Party moron, that she just wants to be on stage, irritating everybody with her ‘intellectual mistakes’, her ‘consistently boring’ political thinking and her nauseating voice. Just do us ALL a favour and go back to Alaska. Please. Even Tom Hunersen, your only fan in Ireland, is yawning.
And finally in Mum’s Corner. Did you know that a latte can have the same calories as a bag of chips (and that will be the BIG chips). Or that the harmless McDonalds burger meal contains 80% of a woman’s recommended average daily calorie intake of 2,000. Well from next week in most fast food outlets in the UK you will be able to read for yourself the ‘damage’ these succulent products inflict on you and your body.
If you were asked what the population of the world is what would you answer ? Well most of us will shout a figure of 6 billion. Anyhow whatever chance you may have of being right (because you got the first figure/number right) will cease in six weeks time when the official population of the Planet will rise above 7 billion.

Now think twice before sitting down to a bean supper if you’re travelling to Malawi soon: the little African country wants to resurrect a law against breaking wind in public. The government claims ‘vitiating the atmosphere’ has run rampant there since the advent of democracy 15 years ago.
But many countries ban seemingly innocent behaviour. Did you know, for example, that it is illegal to land a flying saucer in the vineyards of France? And if you’re single, divorced or a widow living in Florida, don’t even think about using a parachute on Sunday afternoons. Does that mean a ‘widower’ can parachute (surely it would be just better to say you cannot parachute rather than name the classes that cannot).
And would you believe that throughout the whole of England it is illegal to eat mince pies on 25 December? The law was introduced by the puritanical Oliver Cromwell in the 17th century and has never been repealed.
In Scotland, on the other hand, you can legally enjoy as many mince pies as you can stomach on Christmas Day, but the country has its own batch of crazy laws, too. Avoid being drunk in possession of a cow in that country, for instance – you risk being locked up.
And if you stick a stamp with the Queen’s head on it upside down on an envelope, you are still committing treason. This law was passed in 1840, when the first penny black was issued, to stop people “insulting the monarchy”
Perverts, meanwhile, listen up. An old law in Russia allows a police officer to “beat a peeping tom soundly” but in the US state of Texas, two categories of men are exempt from peeping tom charges: men over 50 and men with only one eye
If you’re in Hawaii and enjoying a late night laugh at the madcap laws still existing around the world, then stop! A law there prohibits laughing loudly in public after 10pm.
Finally, you are all breaking the law simply by reading this article – actually only if you happen to be a resident of Denver, Colorado. After a one-time craze for researching wacky laws there, public records offices were so swamped by requests for information on entertaining legislation that possession of lists like this was banned

Finally (in real) did you know that 80% of American Lottery winners would prefer not to have won. Well that is after a period of 2 years ‘in the role’. Also did you read about the Frenchman who has won the won Lottery, TWICE (in two years). With EXACTLY the same numbers. Think how depressed he must be !!!!
Finally finally did you know that humans stop growing (height) at 21 (women) and 25 (men). Amazing.

Boring event or person of the Holiday :

Does anybody watch Piers Morgan on CNN. He took over from the irreplaceably Larry King earlier this year. I think if I were to try and replace somebody in some activity in life, it would be somebody who did watch not very well respected and did a less than good job. But not only has Mr Morgan got this wrong but he looks uncomfortable and …………… well despite his exceptionally high levels of arrogance, in awe of his guests. While maybe not boring, he is close enough to win the award in this weeks HT.

Fun Corner

The Greek Government has announced that it will be reducing it’s production of Taramasalata and Hummus which indicates that it is definitely suffering a ‘double dip’ recession!!

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied,

“Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,

so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.”

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
“If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

Sorry about the length of this next one
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question..
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?
What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived, and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered…is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom, and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached, and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened .

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ?
Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT……make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now….what is the moral to this story?

The moral is (and the origins of the saying) ….
If you don’t let a woman have her own way….
Things are going to get ugly!

Dog’s and Cat’s diaries

From a Dog’s Diary
8:00 am – Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

From a Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies’. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
Jack Cooper has been eyeing me strangely lately but I figure Bombay Jacks would be no form of escape – even tho he seems to be a kind hearted fella. If he tries to wash me in the toilet like last week I’ll become an angle-biter because I know he loves those.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now… Will keep you posted.

Currency Corner:
Well the Euro/$ tussle continues. One week it the weak $ the next the weak Euro. And as I have said so many times, there is no logic to currency movements …………. when assessed over a short period. WHY otherwise would the $ strengthen (not only against the Euro) given the weak economic data flowing of the US last week. With the $ now under 1.40 against the Euro, you can expect some further Euro weakening after yesterdays ‘dovish’ comments by JP Trichet.
Over the longer term I think the US currency will weaken …………. partly linked to a ‘silent’ US Government belief that it is best for the economy and partly because of its transition from being the sole ‘reserve currency’.
I see the UK as being stronger than most commentators ascribe. So expect the £ to remain strong against the US$ and the Euro.
Equity Corner :
Well it was inevitable and through the month of August we saw the negative response to the realisation that the World is going into recessionary mode. Well most of it (there are parts of Asia, the Middle East and North Africa that will not). And with this corporate earnings will falter.
The major correction in equity markets over the past few weeks alone will cause recession. The ‘disappearance’ of trillions in ‘wealth’ effectively reduces confidence, spending power and liquidity. As this (recessionary) realisation hits however, a ‘balance point’ will be hit and specific corporate (and M&A) activity will provide excellent profit opportunities.
I am conscious that I sold you a very wrong tip with Irish Life & Permanent (although I believe that it was the former Irish Government who destroyed this company) and need to redeem my previously ‘above average’ reputation. So while I scout the ‘equity planet’ for this compensation, let me give you two on a three month view.
First is Marks & Spencer @ £3.15 ish and the second is Man Group which I see as a takeover target. If BP (which will benefit from Libya) drops back much more I would also feel happy for us to put some money that way.
At least with these stocks we won’t see the balance sheets go down the toilet.

Did you know :
a) every minute you walk can extend your life by 1.5 to 2 minutes – unless of course you choose to ‘walk’ out in front of a bus !!! b) Walking an extra 20 minutes a day will burn off 7 pounds of body fat per year. Longer walks are better for losing weight while shorter walks are best for conditioning your heart and lungs c) Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as a medicine d) Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time and e) by raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink in quicksand – how helpful is that !!!!
Thoughts for the week :
a) Great minds discuss idea’s, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people b) good ideas are not adopted automatically. They need to be driven into practice with courageous patience c) if it works its already out of date and d) no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
While I am so very impressed by the new Irish Government there is one area of responsibility that they are missing. The banking sector. There is NO economy on the Planet that can recover, grow or flourish if its banking system is in ‘lending paralysis’. The expectations of Government of the banking sector just CANNOT be delivered if the current Regulatory Rules are to be rigidly followed. But NOBODY wants to take on the Regulator. And so the Irish banks will remain ‘passive’ (and obedient) and the economy (and small business and entrepreneurs) will take THREE years longer to recover. So maybe we could ‘relook’ at ‘the rules’.

While the Government has received most of applause for ‘saving’ the taxpayer Euro 1 billion + on the recapitalisation of Bank of Ireland, credit also needs to go the direction of Richie Boucher and his excellent team at Bank of Ireland. It were not for the extraordinary efforts, talent and charisma of Richie and his team, this deal would have seriously struggled – indeed it would probably not have happened. And the new Investors comprise some of worlds shrewdest players – Fairfax, Fidelity and the Wilbur Ross – who is in the Warren Buffett league. Well done Richie and his team.
One negative this week is the continued delay in getting a result from the investigation into ‘mis management’ at Anglo Irish Bank (and indeed Irish Nationwide – where I believe the case is easier). It is now over two years and unfortunately the ‘underweight’ Paul Appleby at the Director of Corporate Enforcement Office has proven that his ‘list of career successes’ is not an accident !!! I would suggest that once again the Authorities are looking in the wrong places. Why not take action on one or two ‘easier to get convictions’ type

Reflections from the week :

Costs in Ireland remain high. Of particular note are taxi’s where the ‘once you are in the car meter price’ is Euro 4.45 (75 euro cents in Dubai), car parking in city Euro 2.40 per hour (50 euro cents in Dubai), petrol at Euro 1.50 per liter etc is just a reflection of the financial punishment for wanting to ‘travel’ . One excellent value ‘travel product’ however, is the Aircoach which has the licence to transport passengers/visitors to and from Dublin airport. SUPER value if you live in a place like Dalkey or Greystones – just Euro 8 for what would cost you Euro 40 in a taxi (before the ‘mandatory’ tip that they seem to believe is their ‘right’). I do also have to add that some of the ‘early bird’ menu’s in city centre restaurants are easy on the pocket …………….. and stomach.

One final ‘Irish story’ before moving to more interesting parts of the Planet. In Ireland’s short independent history there have been few truly memorable speeches by the people chosen to run the country. The Number 1 slot is probably held by Eamon DeValera (a previous President) when he took on the might of Britain and its them Prime Minister, Winston Churchill (he chastised WC for his vitriolic attack on Ireland for remaining neutral in WW2). This was a classic. Other speeches included President Mary Robinson’s inaugural address, the Patriot Padraig Pearse at the graveside of O’Donovan Rossa and a very very few others. So when a man not known for charisma catapults himself into this league, we all wake up in shock. And so Enda Kenny, who survived two attacks on his political career over just the last twelve months, has now found himself on this ‘trophy’. His address in Parliament which passionately attacked and criticised the Catholic Church and the Vatican was not just historic but delivered with passion (if Enda could be accused of having such a talent) and disappointment. A REAL moment where another great speech can be added to this ‘elite’ league of speeches in Irish history by an Irishman.

On the subject of the Vatican did you know a) the Vatican is just 180 acres and is the smallest country in the world b) its ‘real’ population is under 1000 c) it is the ONLY country in the world to be a continuous non-hereditory monarchy – given that the Pope is not allowed to ‘sleep’ with anybody e) and the Vatican is less than 100 years old – yep while the Catholic Church has been around for centuries the Vatican only came into existence in 1929 (Lateran Treaty) f) you can only become a ‘citizen’ of the country by appointment (ie not by birth there) g) and you automatically become Italian if you lose your job at the Vatican and have no other country citizenship and h) it has the highest CRIME rate in the world – based on crimes per capita of population (apparently lots of pick pocketing). Oh and by the way is issues its own currency (based on the Euro) and has its own ATM’s – in Latin.

Did you know that Twitter is five years old ? I only heard of this unnecessary and stupid communication medium over the past 12 months. What was I doing for the other 48 months !!! Busy and productive are words that spring to mind. And now I am being exposed for once again missing the ‘changed world’. It (Twitter, you Twit) is now considered a News Medium, a Marketing channel, a Fashion tool etc and there are more than a BILLION ‘tweets’ around the world every 7 days. And I ‘twat it twas tumthin ta be avoided’. So tweets are no longer the things you buy your kids in the shops or things you get on special occasions. Sad world.

And now a bit of ‘Mothers Corner’, for you Mum. Did you know that Jennifer Lopez (Jay Lo to you Mum), has given up her latest marriage (well it did last 7 years) to the father of her twins. Jennifer seems to fit the ‘marriage is not for me’ brand as this third one. And of course she has had five ‘broken’ engagements – the most ‘famous’ being to Ben Affleck. And on relationships I see Elin Nordegren (previously Mrs Tiger Woods) had found herself a new beau. Jamie Dingman is the lucky man who has won the heart of the beautiful Elin. Jamie is the son of a billionaire but I guess that is not important to Elin who herself got a Euro 65 million payoff from Tiger. And even better for Elin, Jamie does not play golf. Or ‘away’ !!!! And finally Mum, did you know that Sting, the Singer ( I feel a song coming on !!!), has tantric sex with his wife. No Mum, not tantrums. Its a form of ‘enjoyment’ without the physical intimacy. Yes, I know. I don’t get it either.
I remember John Mortimer (Rumpole of the Bailey) once saying of ‘Tantric’ – when he finally understood what it was – that he once ‘booked’ a Tantric Plumber (TP) to do a job in his house. He only got to know it was a TP when ‘you stay in all day and nobody comes’ !!!!

Totally unrelated to plumbing, tantric fun or indeed marriage is the US Space Shuttle program. But its life has also come to an end. After 30 years hugely successful years. Only two disasters – Challenger, Columbia – from 135 trips. And now this wonderful concept and machine will become a museum item

Now the Japanese may have brought the ‘concept’ to America – well to Hawaii anyhow – but Kamikaze seems to have found its way into everyday American politics. The current attitude of ‘redneck’ T Party clown Boehner is akin to one of these pilots who did not care of the consequences of death. And so Mr Boehner and his Republican ‘fellow pilots’ are prepared to destroy the US’s Triple A credit rating so that his/their stubbornness can be written into US political history. For all the wrong reasons. And the loan interest that the US pays on its huge debt will INCREASE by $180 BILLION . Per annum. All because of ‘politics’. What a complete ‘donkey’. Maybe Brian Cowan should ‘look westward’ for a future. He delivered a similar result to Ireland.

Finally the average house price across the entire landmass of Britain (and NI) is now £232,000. So lets not all be too pessimistic about where Irish house prices are going. The lowest I believe they will go is whatever the prices were in 1990. Which is ?? Sh*t if I know.

Finally finally in the ‘re-pricing’ of Ireland and its labour (essential part of our recovery) it is nice to know that the president of the Irish Football Association (where we remain by no means a world super power) has taken TWO pay cuts over the past 11 months. Yep, what a man. Well not really. Apparently his ‘adjusted’ salary is now a mere Euro 400,000 per annum. His equivalent in the England gets £350,000. Maybe some more pay cuts would be appropriate.

Boring event or person of the fortnight :
I have had to wait so many weeks to give this ‘honour’ to THE MOST boring, uncharismatic and whingey guy in the entire Universe. There will be NOBODY who will EVER come near this guy in terms of putting people to sleep. Yep you got in before I told you. Andy Murray.

Fun Corner

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
__________

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, “Did you find the shampoo?”

Paddy says, “Yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”
__________

Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick says, “What if one explodes before we get there?”

Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
__________

The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They’ve imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
__________

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, “Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d’yis t’ink yer doing?”

Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter…..”
__________

Joe says to Paddy, “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

Given the recent problems of the Catholic Church here is one you may have heard before but is still ‘dateless’.
A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. “We’ve got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth…can you make it?”
Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it.
His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn’t many choices.
As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.”Hey, Joe…can you help me out??” He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.
“Oh, no I wouldn’t have any idea what to do!!”.
“Joe, don’t worry…I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card…find the sin…and follow it over to the appropriate penance…it’s that simple…here comes the first penetant…try it!!
“So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penitent comes in and kneels before the screen…”Bless me Father…I have sinned…I have had impure thoughts.”
Joe looks at the list…finds “Impure Thoughts” and orders: “Say twoOur Fathers, three Hail Marys.and go forth and sin no more.”
“Thank you, Father,”replies the penitent.
Hey…this is easy!! The next one comes in. “Bless me father. I have sinned. I have fornicated.
“Fornication…fornication…can’t find it…oh there it is on the back.
“Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more.”.
“Thank you, Father”.
Then the third arrives. “Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex.
“Oral sex? Oral sex? It’s not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees the priest has left but thankfully sees an altar boy getting ready for mass.
“Pssst…Jimmy…c’mere!! What does Father O’Brien give for Oral Sex?”
The boy replies…”A Snickers and a Coke. Why ?

I want to thank Ian for his help in ‘finding’ the content for Fun Corner. Here is some contribution from him this week. Some great ones !!!

Letters to VIZ magazine

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of “There is Nothing Left to Lose” by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

What’s all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world’s oldest mum? My mum’s 77. Beat that.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I’d just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s ****. He hasn’t seen my wife’s, so who’s had the last laugh?

I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

WHY DON’T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Why is it that pubs won’t serve me if I’m drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

The person who coined the phrase “as different as chalk and cheese” obviously hadn’t tasted Kwik Save’s cheddar.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn’t it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she “bravely remained in London beside her husband” during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without ‘going off’. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
Some ‘one liners’
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; coincidence?…
Time is never wasted when you’re ‘wasted’ all the time – Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? – W. C. Fields
Work is the curse of the drinking classes – Oscar Wilde
“I’d prefer to have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.” – Jack Nicholson
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind – Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine – David Moulton
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without drinking.
University is a fountain of Knowledge… and the students are there to drink.
Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.
Don’t drink and park; accidents cause people.
“I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.” – Winston Churchill
“One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.” – James Thurber, American humorist (1894-1961)
What pleases men most is old wine and young women” – Herodotus, Histories
‘’You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on” – Dean Martin (in NBC interview)
Good wine praises itself – Arab proverb
Only the first bottle is expensive – French proverb
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
If work were good for you, the rich would leave none for the poor – Haitian Proverb
Water floats a ship. Water sinks a ship – Chinese proverb
Currency Corner:
I expect some resolution of the US debt problem over the next few days. While it will be some ‘fudge’, I will result in a serious adjustment to the US$/Yen currency rate. I believe this is the BEST currency bet at the moment (other than maybe ‘shorting’ the Swiss Franc which is the most ‘bubble’ currency on the Globe) is to BUY the US$ against the Yen. It is 77.80 and I expect it to travel back above 80 (ie 2.5%) when the debt debate is resolved. Apart from what is going on with the Yanks it is difficult to understand the Yen’s strength. I mean it is still one of the most indebted Sovereign Powers around – and will have to borrow more to rebuild its infrastructure after Fukishima. So do yourself a favour. Buy the $/Yen and take your profits over the next fortnight.
Equity Corner :
I expect the ‘donkeys’ from the Republican side of the US Congress to abandon their obstinacy and reach some solution in relation to the US debt ceiling. While it will not solve the sluggishness creeping into the US economic recovery, it will give the markets – particularly the currencies (see above) – a short term relief rally.
Shares that should benefit over the next few days are Barclays (results next week) at £2.24, Bank of America (bargain if you believe in the US economy) at $9.75, HSBC (a great medium term certainty) at £6.05 and Man Plc at £2.30. Yes they are all in the ‘financial space’ but then this is the sector most destroyed by recent market movements.
Nice to see Glaxo continuing its rapid share price recovery.

Did you know :
a) the word ecdysiast is used to describe ‘ecdysiast’ b) 12 newborn’s are given the wrong parents every day c) a dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours and d) a giraffe can live without water longer than a camel can (also a giraffe has a 21 inch tongue and can clean its own ears)
Thoughts for the week :
a) judge a person by his/her questions rather than their answers b) You have enemies ? Good that means you have stood up for something, sometime in your life and d) get your facts first then you can distort them as you please.
Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
Great news from Dubai in the past fortnight. The UAE Authorities have just approved a ‘three year Investor’ Visa. The Cabinet on Tuesday of last week approved that investor visa’s given to expat businessmen (oh and women) investing in the real estate sector will be three years, instead of the ‘worthless’ six month visas which have been in operation for the past 5 years. The Dubai property market has had a wonderful first 6 months of recovery (first half of 2011 – up 15% on the Palm Jumeirah) and this change to the visa laws will trigger of flood (I really hate that word !!) of interest from India, Pakistan, Russia, Japan, Iran and China. And the banking system is back in the lending game.
Speaking after the announcement Mohammed Alabbar, Chairman of Emaar (which share price improved 4% on the back of the news) said ‘The UAE federal cabinet decision will significantly enhance investor confidence and drive the growth of the country’s property sector.’ Even Citibank, a perennial critic of Dubai, has turned positive on the market and its outlook and has upgraded its medium term rating to A + and outperform.
Apart from that the weather is now in the ‘cauldron category’. So all ‘white faces’ are heading home until September
Reflections from the week :
Now I will over the next few editions attempt to keep my personal views of the Irish economy and what needs to happen to ‘assist’ the wonderful efforts being made by the current Government officials (yes I know. Not often I can or have said that). Despite the last Government (remember since I first had as an Irish citizen, I had always voted Fianna Fail – the donkeys that were thankfully dumped out of their overpaid jobs in the General Election earlier this year) being the worst in Irish political history and the fact that the current guys would look good for this reason alone, every member of the Administration seems to be up to the job at hand. Well done to Enda Kenny (the Prime Minister) and don’t worry about getting some things wrong. That is an inevitable consequence of getting things done and making decisions – something that has been sadly lacking for the past 5 years
One embarrassing appalling episode this week was the cringing attempt by the leader of the Fianna Fail Party to hijack the credit for Ireland having been commended by the IMF and EU for making enormous progress in complying with their ‘recovery prescription’. It really shows ‘the neck’ and ‘ignorance’ of some people. I really want to use stronger words, but I have promised all Readers that I will try to be more polite in future !!!! So PLEASE Mr Martin (FF Leader) start to behave responsibly. YOUR Party caused or aggravated many of the very severe problems that the Irish Taxpayer is having to pay for. Some contrition for this would be appropriate.
And so some of my ideas to help the Irish economy recover (ok some are ‘real me’ but some radical thinking is essential in times of dire need !!). The thing that has impacted me most since coming home for the Summer, has been the degree to which the Media and Press are ‘in control’ of the political agenda and how everybody is afraid of them and what they may print. Also the air-waves appear to have been hijacked by the worlds most negative thinkers who are freely permitted to preach their personal views of the end of Ireland and the Euro and Europe. Really ? Many of these guys are the ones who told us that all our computers would collapse on January 1st 2000 or that the ‘Euro conversion’ would bring down the European banking systems. Some are no better people than Terry Jones – the US Pastor who wanted to burn the Koran – or some other fanatical cult leader. And a certain Mr David McWilliams is leader of the ‘financial Taliban’. It would be nice if he used his talents to deliver workable solutions rather than perpetuating the ‘wake’.
But here we go with some ideas :
1. Create a new Bank in Ireland. Only the Government have the powers to do this quickly. Whilst the Government already own almost the entire Irish banking industry this ‘new bank’ would be ‘stress free’ and have capital (see below) that could be immediately used to lend and provide much needed lending to help the economy recover – remember that without the banking system lending (REALLY lending) the economy has little/no chance of recovering.
2. This new Bank could be capitalised from ‘the Patriot Fund’ idea I had before. While again the challenge would be daunting, it IS possible if the correct energy and focus is given. I estimate that Euro 3 billion could be raised from this ‘product/initiative’ and this could be ‘geared’ to bring new lending of cEuro 10 billion to the economy – and the Bank would not need to take much risk and could grow quickly and safely
3. Assess the merits and convert 3 or 4 of the country’s ‘dead or zombie hotels’ to English language learning establishments for the Chinese – their appetite for learning English is insatiable and will last for the foreseeable future. 5 year leases could be established with the Chinese Government (not to talk about jobs, possible inward investment etc )
4. Issue up to 50,000 work/residential visas to the Chinese – the country that will be the worlds most powerful within 10 years and the Irish will have stolen a ‘place in its heart and success’. We, as a country, did very well out of the decision in the 1950’s and 1960’s to ‘invite’ American industry to Ireland.
5. Create a European HQ/Centre for Sharia Banks – in the IFSC. It is the fastest growing banking segment on the Planet. Many ‘premium salary’ jobs, will attract lots of ‘travel investment’, possible further ‘inward investment’, heightens Ireland in the ME and Asian world etc etc.
6. The Government has already ‘raided’ Pension Funds. Most people who have money on deposit are ‘not helping the economy’, so is it now time to put a temporary levy on these cash deposits ? Maybe at levels over Euro 200k ?
7. If we need to get ECB permission to ‘burn’ Anglo/Irish Nationwide Bondholders, WHY can we not just buy these bonds in the market at the very substantial discount they trade at ? Surely the EU/IMF would allow us use some of the funding they are giving us to facilitate this ‘value’ initiative – after all we will NOT need to use all the allocated money for the banking system.
8. The Black Economy is growing far too fast. Time to take ‘corrective action’ urgently
9. Arrest all those journalists and ‘preachers’ who are one trick ponies and only want to talk and write the negative side of the economy. Their ‘egos and commercial reputations’ should not be made or enhanced at the expense of what is most important to the assaulted Irish population – repairing the damage to the economy. These Taliban journalists need to be treated just as that. Disgraceful misuse of their privileged ‘qualification’.
Now despite all the problems with the economy over the past few years it seems the Irish’ appetite for sex remains ‘viagraish’. And so Ireland was ‘awarded’ the medal as the European country with the highest birth rate in Europe in 2009. Well keep it up, I say !!!!!
Did you know that the KKK (or Ku Klux Klan) was called after the Greek word for ‘circle’ – and was initially NOT a terrorist organisation (which it was subsequently declared). It was formed in 1865/6 – to defend a ‘white world’ or ‘preserve’ to a world of ‘black slavery’. In the early years it was extremely violent and despite the belief that it was some organisation for the ‘redneck and under-educated’. This was completely untrue as many of the leading (and well educated) members of the Confederate Army were key figures in the KKK – including Bedford Forrest the Confederate General. After being outlawed after the ‘Constitution’ it was re-formed 1915 – faded in 1940’s before dying again in the 1980’s.
I do have to make some comments on the Dominic Strauss Khan story. Over the past few weeks it appears that my ‘initial call’ that it was a ‘sting’ (political and/or financial) has come to be the case. And the ‘manufactured damage’ against him is now complete. It is a shame that a guy who obviously has a ‘problem’ will walk free next week. But I am also against men being victims of such ‘events’
My good friend from Dubai Thacksin Sinawatra had a good fortnight. The exiled former Prime Minister of Thailand (linked to the red-shirt movement), now living most of the year in Dubai, has seen his sister catapulted into the PM role with an impressive win in the recent Thai elections. And thankfully there was no violence after the results. The surprising thing was that the mid-forties and attractive (well if you like Thais) had NO history in politics until she decided to contest the elections 4 months ago. Also, thankfully, the military have remained ‘supportive’ – although they are viewed as pro ‘yellow shirts’
Did you ever know that some Dinosaurs had feathers ? The Theorpod Dianosaur had the first feathers and they lived in China. There were anything between 400 and (yeah) 400,000 species of dinosaur. You would think that scientists would have got the number with more accuracy – I mean they have had thousands of years to work it out.
Finally this week is the 56th anniversary of the formation of Disney and Disney World in Florida. Obviously Walt wanted to have this ‘wonderful world for kids’ in place before I ‘visited’ the Planet the following year.
Finally finally the Rupert Murdoch empire is at last shaking. The ‘grubby’ Mr Murdoch must surely have known what has been going on within his Global Media catchment. A perennial critic of Dubai and someone who has been an ally of Qatar, now has to himself take some heat himself. Is that a tear I feel tickling my cheek !!
Boring event or person of the week
The number of begrudgers in Ireland who criticise Rory McIlroy for declaring as being British.

Fun Corner
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square …
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

34GG BREASTS

24″ WAIST and

34″ HIPS

When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.’’

Some we have seen some of these before but worth another showing
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool
fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too
are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, ‘Mary, why didn’t
you raise your
hand?’

‘Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,’ she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are
not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?’

‘I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied..

The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you
a Man Utd
fan?’

‘Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man
Utd fan, so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’

‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no
reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if
your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would
you be then?’

‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.

———————————————————————-

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner.

He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving
them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman
twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of
Guinness, a pint of Fosters and apint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.

After he’s finished the
drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the
Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement: ‘My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone.
It’s a miracle!’

Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.

‘Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone!
It’s A Miracle.’

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, ‘Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said ‘Hi, I’m looking for a job’. The man behind the counter ‘Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants achauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin
daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and
wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals
are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their
Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year’.

The Scouser said ‘You’re bullsh*tting me!’
The man behind the counter said ‘Well you started it!’
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when
a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc

Political Guide for Tourists to Ireland

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million and a half people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon.
They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland, but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK .
Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France .

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced Doyle), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers money.

The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, a deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways.

The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.
We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result..If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again.
Twice in recent years the government decided the people’s choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially
Dublin.

Ireland has three economies northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA
The Norths biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall.
On the ASDA PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA
The husband picks up a case of Tennants and puts it in their trolley.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping#
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Tennants and it’s half the price.’
He never knew what hit him.

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital that he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she’s a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters… nuns are married to God!”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5
times a week now.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him
in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

~~~

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
kids. Took her out with one punch.

~~~

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. “It’s worth
spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

~~~

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old
daughter.

Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are
bound to be curious about Sex at that age.”

“Curious about Sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her appendix
out!”
Currency Corner:
The over-valued dollar and the equally over-valued Euro are having a ‘tug of war’. I do think the American’s have a better chance of sorting their ‘debt issues’ than the dysfunctional and disparate Europeans. I still believe the Euro/$ will fall below 1.40 over the next couple of months.
Sterling remains undervalued. Particularly against the Euro
The Swiss Franc is now THE most overvalued currency on the Planet. Mr McWilliams please note.
Also worth buying the US$ against the Japanese Yen
Equity Corner :
Man Group now 10% higher than when tipped two weeks ago – although it weakened this week.
Barclays Bank or HSBC are worth a flutter – both have been impacted by debt concerns in Europe. Unfair on HSBC
I also think Bank of America is now at bargain levels. It is at a 12 month low – despite the recovery in the US economy and the US equity markets.

Did you know :
a) the guys who created YouTube (Chad Hurley, Steve Chen and Jawed Karim) all worked together (and helped the development of) PayPal b) YouTube was initially set up as a ‘dating site’ but ‘drifted’ to what became the billion dollar company ‘by accident’ c) YouTube was only registered 6 years ago (strange given that it seems to have been with us much longer) – Valentines Day 2005 d) every day on Facebook alone 150 years worth of (YouTube) video is watched every day and e) the most watched YouTube downloads are Charlie bit my finger – again (290 million views), The sneezing Panda (97 million) and Paul Potts singing Nessun Dorma (79 million – which btw is 60 million more than Pavarotti’s version on YouTube). And I am probably adding some extra viewings by just mentioning them here.
Thoughts for the week :
a)a bump in the road is either an obstacle to be fought or an opportunity to be enjoyed ……. it is up to you b) some succeed because they are destined to. But most succeed because they are determined to c) God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind that I will never die and d) to find the ONLY person you can truly trust in this life, look no further than the person in the nearest mirror.

Biggest change in Dubai/Dublin this week :
And so the Sarkozy re-election campaign gets into full throttle. Having successfully ‘stung’ his main rival for the Presidency (I guess it was not too hard given Dominique Khan’s legendary desire for a quick bonk in the toilet before heading for the airport) he decided to have a little ‘legitimate bonk’ of his own and so Carla enters the wonderful state of motherhood (with a ‘well timed’ baby helping his re-election effort). Then good old Nicolas headed off to the UAE to demonstrate to the electorate at home just how capable he is on the foreign stage. A trip that went as we say in the Arab world ‘tamem’. And of course Nicky continues to believe that Ireland can play a role in his re-election. And so we can expect little movement on the interest rate on our EU loan before Nicky gets back to the Elysee. Personally I think the Bastille would be more appropriate for the diminutive President who is currently ‘anti Ireland’.
2010 also saw the UAE overtake Saudi Arabia as the biggest importer in the Middle East of American products. Food, luxury goods, raw materials, electronic devices etc were amongst the most popular items imported. Saudi did however remain the US’s largest provider of oil from the Middle East supplying 79% of the total from the Region.
And finally on this section employing people in Dubai gets progressively more expensive. And over the next few weeks I will have the cost of paying up to 10 staff their end of contract entitlement – even if they choose to stay on in the Company. One months salary for every years service. Therefore 3 months salary. On top of the month’s salary you have to give them every year for normal holidays. On top of the plane ticket to get home. On top of the other ‘extras’ that are also Government imposed. Yep a steep hill in business.
And to think I had to fight such a hard and costly battle to get each of them a visa in the first place.

Reflections from the week :
Now some of this is ‘old’ because you have not had HT for a few weeks. So be ‘forgiving’. Be grateful that Allen, Joanne and their team got us back live.
There are now one million millionaires in China (5.5 m in USA and 1.7 million in Japan – India only has 190k = cheating ?). Yep the place to be. And maybe it is time for us (Ireland) to embrace this great Nation in an economic way. See below for some suggestions. But getting back to Millionaires. Did you know the Cities/Locations with the highest concentration of millionaires – well Singapore is first, Switzerland second and 3rd is Qatar. And one final ‘millionaire stat’ ? You will love this one. There are 100 millionaires in the GREEK Finance Ministry. Yep in just the Finance Ministry. Maybe Brendan Howlin is needed there.
Well if you are reading this I guess the world did not end a couple of weeks ago. Shame. Another mis-fired prediction by Harold Camping (his last ‘guess’ was for 1994) an influential American Radio host. And ‘this years’ prediction gathered a ‘following’ of up to 5 million (yep 5 mil) and he announced in early May that ‘I am very sure of my prediction’. His prediction is apparently based on a mathematical system to interpret prophecies hidden within the Bible. He obviously was not very good at maths when he was at school. Or given the fact that he is 89 years old maybe he never went to school. But thankfully for us all, he was wrong, and I get to write about this ‘lucky escape’ !!!
Now this next section was written some weeks ago – for the first HT that ‘got hacked’ and was not printed. So again apologies. But I had it written, so why delete it given all the work is done.
The debt tortured country of Ireland has enjoyed a tonic month. Like a good friend rallying to support of a bankrupt friend, two of the worlds most powerful and influential people decided to pay Paddyland a visit. Both contrasting in nature and purpose. Both wonderfully successful – for all concerned. There is however some irony that the less contentious visitor (Paddy O’Bama – POB) had the greater security agenda. Yep POB brought an invasion force with him. Including a fleet of Chinooks, armoured vehicles, special forces etc etc etc etc. For just a 23 hour visit. To see his ancestoral home in a place that I never heard of in Ireland, well till now. Like a scene from a Bruce Willis movie, the little town of Ballygall will never see the likes of it again. This was Ireland for f**ks sake. Where the police do not carry weapons. A country that is war neutral. A country that has ‘supplied’ up to 12% of the American population – all more dangerous with alcohol that Kalashnikovs. But I suppose the anal Group that get paid to look after the President of the United States do not take these things into account. Ireland may as well be Iraq. But at least his speeches and relaxed manner were typically memorable. Thankfully, if unsurprisingly, his visit was a huge success ………… and peaceful.
In contrast the expected security challenges and threats to Queen Lizzies on her visit to Ireland required only 15 ‘under-cover’ British security personnel ………….. and none of the artillery arsenal. And for a visit that drew sceptics from every County, this wonderful Lady won my, and I suspect hundreds of thousands of other Irish who were indifferent on the British monarchy, admiration and respect. A woman of immense character, personality and sensitivity. An occasion that could have been very ugly turned out to be one of the MOST memorable four days in history of Irish Independence. This wonderful woman did not shy away from visiting such sensitive historic places as the Garden of Remembrance (where those who fought and died for Irish freedom are remembered) or Croake Park (where 21 innocent Irish were brutally murdered at a football match in 1920) nor did she avoid going to the ‘Rebel County’ of Cork. No, this wonderful Lady visited probably the MOST historically sensitive Irish ‘monuments’. A TRUE Queen. A total success that went across the world and highlighted the best of what exists between these two geographical neighbours.
And just a quick compliment to the Irish President (Mary McAleese), Government officials, organisers and everybody associated with the organisation and success of the visit. No doubt if that ‘Dummy’ previous Government of ours had been in place, it would not have been such a success. Brian Clown and his sidekick Mary ‘f**k it’ Coughlan would probably have felt the two visits to be an unnecessary interruption to their daily diet of alcohol. And alcohol.
Now that we have had two of the top 5 most influential people on the Planet, let us move to the World’s number 5. Bring on (or to Ireland) Lady Gaga. Yep hard to believe but apparently she is the FIFTH most influential name/brand/face from the 6 billion plus that inhabit our small world. I don’t have any answers to ‘How’. So don’t ask me.
Another wonderful British lady who is probably getting more Media coverage these days than her Queen, is Pippa Middleton. You know, the chick with the great ass (oh and dress) at Willy and Kate’s wedding. Yes Kate’s sister. It appears she is now generally accepted as having the best ass on the Planet. Well at least for the year 2011 – you know how ‘bums’ go as women get older (ok some guys as well). Which reminds me of a short joke associated with the visit of Queen Lizzie. It seems on the third day of her visit she turned to Philip (her husband) and says ‘Sweetheart I don’t think we should really go to County Cork tomorrow’. To which Philip adoringly looks at her and asked ‘Why is that Your Majesty’. (Now here is where you will need some knowledge of Irish geography. Middleton is a town in County Cork – which was the County that Lizzie and Phil were visiting the next day. It also happens to be the newly-wed Kate’s family name. Now let me continue and hope that you will ‘make the link’ !!). ‘Well I heard that Willy has been stuck in Middleton for the past fortnight’.
If you don’t get it, read it again. If you still don’t get it, please stop reading HT.
Now getting back to Pippa’s ass for a moment, did you know that there is a ‘league table’ in the world of cosmetic surgeons that rank various procedures to famous people. Yep there IS ! And Pippa’s ass has ‘shot straight to number 1’ this last fortnight. Knocking Kylie (Minogue) and Serena Williams and Jay Lo down the ‘ladder’. How much will a ‘Pippa Arse’ cost you ? Well apparently £5,500. I know a few guys who would consider that money well spent !!!!!!!
I have grown in my dislike of the Irish Media. WHY do they constantly feel the need to cover only negative stories and if the story is not sufficiently negative, to embellish it with a greater level of Prozac. If the Irish economy is to have any chance of recovering (yes I know the banks need to be lending, I cover that below ………….. and the last week you got HT) then journalists will need to apply greater intellectual balance. And so IF a Political Party have a fund raising day, or Politicians are invited to Private Sector events, or Big Corporate have a golf outing where some bankers are present, or banks decide to have some marketing days or there is ANY event where any of the above mixes happen, then LET them be. There is NO need to waste ink in attempting to put a ‘negative spin’ on what is happening or may happen. This is how business gets done around the world. It is what made Ireland so economically successful in times past. So please pay a responsible role in our economic rehabilitation. The task to recovery is difficult enough. We need ALL segments of Irish life talking to each other … without fear. There is a particularly onerous practice in some parts of Ireland where barmen are PAID by some Media sources to ‘whistle blow’ where there might be a ‘good photograph or story’.
Now forgive this next section. But it is something I feel passionate about.
1. While a lot of the problems with the Irish banking system are/were loan loss led, the pulling of the ‘confidence carpet’ (by the ECB) certainly added substantially to this issue. The serious flight of deposits and liquidity from the Irish bank balance sheets had a VERY REAL part to play in the ensuing meltdown
2. These ‘gaps’ in the Bank balance sheets had to be ‘replaced’ by ECB funding who in turn became uncomfortable with the level of ‘exposure’ to Ireland and Irish banks. Its way of fixing this ? Well to ‘panic’ everybody by stating that it was not its role to provide this funding (really ???) and the EU and IMF were ‘needed’. And so started the European Currency/Sovereign panic
3. Its motive was essentially self-protective
4. Then the Irish Regulators added to the problem. With confidence gone and the Irish economy badly needing a functioning banking system, it was decided that the capital base of Irish banks should be ‘strengthened’ with haystackful amounts of capital – in some cases (Irish Life) this was ‘arbitrary’ or maybe a better choice of expression ‘capable of handling further Armageddon’.
5. The problem is that it does not matter if the Irish banks had 25% Tier One Capital, the lost deposits will not return for many years. Confidence is gone.
6. And so the next objective delivered by the Regulators was that the ‘Loan to Deposit’ Ratio’s of Irish banks needed to ‘shrink’. And so THE most damaging target set for the Irish banking system. I am not saying that this should not have the focus of Irish bank management but it is wholly inappropriate at this point in the path to ‘banking recovery’.
7. Think about it. The ‘loan to deposit ratio’ improves in one of three ways – outstanding loans reduce, deposit balances rise or a combination of both.
8. Now if confidence is gone and deposits are not going to return to Irish banks (foreign owned banks in Ireland don’t have this problem) for some years, the only way to improve the Loan to Deposit Ratio is through loan recall/reductions.
9. And so the aggressive calls by banks to reduce loans ………………… at the VERY TIME we need the banking system lending.
10. But nobody in Government seems to care ………… or are afraid to take on the Regulator.
11. Don’t get me wrong. I think FG/Labour are doing a great job …… or at least as best they can given the ‘inherited circumstances’.
12. I particularly liked what Minister Noonan is attempting to do with Anglo/Irish Nationwide Bond Holders is COMPLETELY correct and this ECB (unfortunately ‘legalised’) interference is again bullying by Europe.
13. And so for those of you who read through the entirety of this, I am sorry but it is ONE of the five things I feel most passionate about in the Irish banking architecture at the moment.
Did you know that many of the drugs that are used to treat many of our ailments, are not as effective as we are told by our doctors. Here is my list. Corticosteroids for Asthma. Ezetimibe for Cholesterol. The range of NSAID drugs for Arthritis. Valium and other benzodiazepines for Insomnia. And many of the antibiotics we use for viral infections. Many of these drugs have been proven to be ineffective and can have addictive characteristics.
Now a few teaser questions for you. How many elephants did Hannibal take on his journey across the Alps ? Who was the last English King killed in battle ? Who said it takes 15,000 casualties to train a Major-General ? In which country was Laurence of Arabia born ? What does the CS in CS Gas stand for ? When on a suicide mission Japanese Kamikaze pilots wore what colour headbands and what was the symbol on them ? Where was the war spy Mata Hari born ? OK that is enough. How did you do ? Answers are 37, Richard the third in the Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485, Ferdinand Foch (whoever the f**k he is), Wales, Canister smoke, white with the symbol of the rising sun and finally the Netherlands.
Finally in the latest revenue generating move, Police in Dubai are now targeting those people who have not paid traffic fines. Apparently up to 1.2 million unpaid fines existed ‘in the system’ and over the past 12 months, AED 741 million (Euro 150m) has been recovered.
Finally finally womb transplants will become the big business of 2012. Yep it is now possible for women to have this medical procedure. The ‘dark’ side of the story is that the womb can come from a dead woman (living persons are ok as well but tissue and blood matches are problems). Anyhow hope for many ‘babyless’ women around the world.

Boring event or person of the week

That ‘wimpy’ Clegg guy in the British Coalition. How did he get there ? Every time he opens his mouth now he starts to sound like a British ‘George Bush’ or ‘Sarah Palin’.

Fun Corner
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”
The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”
The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!”

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ” I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .”
The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. “
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don”t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn”t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you”re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn”t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you”re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON”T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma”am?”
“Only when he”s been drinking, officer.”
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, “Im getting a brother.”
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, “I think mommy ate him.

I did this before but it is worth a second showing.
The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Well, here it is:
You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, while pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party. First you straighten your dress, then you walk up to him and pour him a drink. After handing him the drink, you say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie. In the process of fixing his tie, you brush your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way,
I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

You slip a letter outlining your sexual skills and your experience into the pocket of every man at a party whether he is cute or ugly, young or old, wealthy or poor, married or single, walking or crippled. That’s Junk Mail.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center, get your megaphone ready, and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Spam.

Dear Mr Cameron

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England ‘s economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week …..
and there’s your money back in duty/tax etc
6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.
It can’t get any easier than that!

Grumpies of the World Unite

Also………..
Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
————————————————————————
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

I am still fascinated by this one. Not sure I like there being 5 Fridays in a month – its the day off for staff in Dubai ………………………… and I still have to pay them !!!!
This year, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This happens once every 823 years. This is called money bags.

Kinda interested – read on!!!

This year we’re going to experience four unusual dates.

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 and that’s not all…

Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born – now add
the age you will be this year,
The results will be 111 for everyone in whole world. This is the year of the Money!!!

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant..
8. In UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, ‘Curry Ok?’ I said, ‘go on then, just one song then bugger off’

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, ‘That’s just for starters!’

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, ‘the sign says, insert £2 and push knob in’.
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!’ Show bosses think she will do really well since she’s been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he’s mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I’ve named him Birmingham

Tesco think of everything
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him ‘My elbow hurts like hell.
I suppose I’d better see a doctor!’

Listen mate; don’t waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There’s a diagnostic computer at Tesco.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid….a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points’.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up
and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
‘You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks’.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.
The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant.
Twins.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better….

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
“You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daugh ters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, ” Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented,
“I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
“I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead?!?!”

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with h er lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “Stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
“Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One Cent?” the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaime d the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied,
“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”

Currency Corner:
Nothing much to say here this week except the Euro and PIG debt crisis will NOT go away and so I see little reason – even rising interest rates in Europe – for a strengthening Euro. Maybe a dip below 1.40 over the next few weeks
Sterling remains my currency purchase of choice – although it has been weak recently against a resurgent Euro.
Equity Corner :
Give me another couple of weeks. I will find a replacement investment for us to compensate for the Irish Life disaster. It is interesting that all the financial journalists are now saying that the Irish Life case is a complete mishandled disaster and that the Company needs nowhere near the Euro 4 billion being demanded by the Regulator. Shareholders have been ‘robbed’ and the Board of the Company have been completely delinquent. Real shame as when you have to distress sell something – in this case the life company – the price is obviously significantly softer than in a normal sale environment.
I like MAN Group in the UK although after last months good results (and 3% rise in the shares) the upside is now probably only 10/15% – over the next 6 months.