Home Thoughts From Dubai

Tip when visiting/moving to Dubai:

Yeah the humidity has clicked-in with some serious impacts. It is becoming really uncomfortable. So for those travelling make sure your ‘stay’ is near the shoreline – where at least there are winds.

Reflections from the week:

Well have you seen anything like it. The coverage of Michael Jackson’s death. More coverage than the invasion of Iraq. Or the bombing of the Trade Centre buildings. Or Princess Diana’s death.

Yes a real ‘historic’ event. EVERY day mass (forgive the pun) coverage.

Regrettably it took away from the death of another once-famous person. An iconic actress in her day. Farah Fawcett died on the same day but got almost no tv coverage. A real beauty, her last months on this planet were sad and painful. Many younger readers will not know who she is/was, but she will be remembered by ‘us’ oldies as one of the original Charlie Angel’s.

Now she is with the real angels. And probably with Michael.

Of all the jokes circulating about Michael J’s death the only ones that I thought were tasteful are :

‘Following the death of Michael Jackson, reports say that Bubbles has gone ape - and Uri has gone on a bender’.

‘Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Manchester United?

A: Come August, United will still be playing Giggs.’

On that subject another thought struck me. Which would you prefer to be Michael Jackson … and dead. Or Bernie Madoff. Alive, but having to spend 150 years in jail. I guess when you are 72 years old, it does not matter if you get 150 years or 20 years sentence.

Now let us get on with life.

Did you know that it is only the female mosquito that bites.

Or that ‘the fingerprint’ still solves more crimes than ‘dna’.

Yeah I guess these are not pieces of knowledge that will help your social popularity ….. but think of the RESPECT !!!

Well it had to happen. Eventually. Ireland’s debt rating has fallen. Again. To AA1. AND the outlook is negative.

I guess with NO direction coming from the Government other than the stupidly insane (and inane) concept of extra taxes. On a declining tax-population. And unemployment speeding towards 15% (the true figure is probably nearer 20%). There is no way out but further down. This is going to be a painful journey for Ireland and its lovely people.

In many other parts of the world there would be an insurrection. In the Corporate world THESE PEOPLE would be sacked. In the same queue as they condemning so many of their electorate. Their TOTAL inability to implement some obvious corrective medication. But these people suffer from a paralysis that normally only afflicts the less fortunate in this world. In Ireland’s unfortunate case it has got a wholly disproportionate allocation. ALL in one house in Kildare Street (Parliament buildings – for my ‘overseas’ readers).

Can you imagine if these were your leaders in a war-zone ! We would ALL be with Michael Jackson by now.

And if their problem is not large enough, Exchequer returns for the first 6 months of 2009 shows a Euro 14.7 billion deficit – heading for almost 5 times the deficit ‘allowed’ under EU Government laws related to ‘deficit to GDP’.

I know this might sound like ‘career suicide’ (I now don’t want ‘the job’) but these guys are complete ‘a**holes’ and do not deserve to have your/our support.

Which leads me nicely to France. No, not that they are ‘les ass**les’. Quite ‘le contraire.

Even these people who are regularly ridiculed in spy and detective movies, have the good sense to understand that increased taxes only destroys jobs and the number of people ‘prepared’ to pay tax. Even the French have the courage to make ‘sensible’ decisions. And this week they sensibly decided to REDUCE the Vat (ie sales tax) in restaurants and cafes from 19.5% to 5.5%. A full 14%. Well done ‘Mes Amis’.

Now a little test for you. Well at least those of you interested in football – of the soccer variety. Over the past 50 years name the players who have worn the famous Number 7 shirt for Manchester United ?

There are 5.

Christiano Ronaldo being the easy one. Then there was David Beckham. Yes and before him Eric Contona. You are doing well. And before him Bryan Robson – yes he was a bit more difficult. And then depending on your point of view the most famous of them all – George Best. It will be interesting to see who will be given this honour when the Manchester United ‘pack’ is announced next month.

Can anybody who is conversant with telephone banking explain how ‘the owner’ can possibly feel it appropriate to have a ‘your call is important to us, please hold’ message when you are still waiting for a ‘customer service representative’ to answer a call after 17 minutes. Surely some changing of the words would be appropriate. ‘Are you still there ? YOUR call must be very important to YOU’

or ‘Jesus, give us a break, we are busy can’t you call back later’ !!

Well let’s leave the ‘resolution’ to our customer-unfriendly service-naked people at ‘Du’ – the alternative telecoms provider in the UAE. After 17 minutes ? Well the call got accidentally ‘lost’ and I decided not to try again.

But thankfully there are only a few things in Dubai that have these ‘delivery standards’. Here is a little ‘addition’ to last weeks Dubai Metro story. There will be 4 classes of NOL (the word means ‘fare’ or ‘cost of transport’ in Farsi – which in interesting ) cards. Gold, Silver, Blue and Red. The first three categories have an ‘e-purse’ facility while the Red category does not. The Gold card will allow you travel in the ‘Gold carriage’. The difference in the other categories are purely price and flexibility based. One little ‘gesture’ to those over 60 there will be a specially discounted fare – as yet undisclosed. I wonder will there be a special discount for the Gold cabin – which I have already decided is where I will be when the service starts in 68 days time. And it WILL be delivered on time.

Did you know that the planet needs land equivalent to the size of the Austalian continent to grow the food necessary to feed the current world population. Or that 60% of the worlds fresh water reserves/resources is needed to ‘cultivate’ this land annually. Or that the potato is rapidly becoming the MOST consumed crop in the world.

Boy, I am being knowledge-generous to you this week.

For those of you wondering where will the new inward investment to Dubai come from, four new financial services companies set up last week. One of which is Russia’s second largest bank – VTB. Up to 500 highly paid jobs will be created from ‘last weeks’ activity alone. So fear not. Dubai is still an extremely attractive place to set up your business – particularly now that office and residential accommodation costs have halved.

Unfortunately this week we were given another reason to avoid investing in publicly quoted companies in this Region. A review of ‘rationalisation’ options for Dubai has resulted in the likelihood that Emaar (once the largest publicly quoted property company in the world) being merged (or in Western words ‘take over the problems’) with Sama Dubai, Tatweer and Dubai Properties – all dogs with significant hidden and real liabilities. Apart from trying to frame an agreement that would appease Emaar shareholders how does one possibly even start to put a valuation on these ‘broken’ entities ?

OK let me get back to helping your dinner conversation tomorrow evening. At least for those of you not watching the final Lions vs South Africa rugby match. But to the point or should I say, the ‘conversation helper’. Did you know that your (and most peoples) brain accounts for 3% of your body weight. Now hold on there. Does that mean I should be trying to PUT ON weight rather than subjecting myself to a life of tortuous pain/exercise. And yet it (we are still talking about your brain) consumes 17% of your body’s energy. Unless you are a goldfish, where this would be ‘a waste’. Because a goldfish’s memory only lasts three SECONDS.

Now is THAT not a gem !!!

Or did you know that you consume NO calories by thinking hard – apparently. Or that 2 bananas a day will fully ‘power’ your brain – which does not provide with evidence as to why monkeys are not ruling the planet. Or are they !!! The Irish may contradict you !!!

Or did you know that every man’s small intestine is 22 foot long. Now THAT is impressive. Only the female mosquito bites. Or did we already cover that !!! Well THAT makes a lot of sense. Even in the insect world, the female is dangerous. I forgot to cover that below. Finally daydreaming for 15 minutes before a big meeting or presentation actually improves your focus and quality of task/presentation. So now you have an excuse if your boss asks ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?’

Dubai is a great place to live at the moment. All the promotional deals. And Jumeirah (or at least it’s loyalty programme – Sirius) have extended its 30% off your total food and drink bill for a further 3 months to September 30th. Some of the best food and drink (and service) – with a nice generous discount.

Nice to see Stephano is back at Pier Chic – the best and most romantic restaurant in Dubai.

The speed with which your career or status can be ‘adjusted’ (I guess like mine with the Irish Government) in this Region could not be more adequately highlighted than the recent collapse in fortune of my good friend Nasser Al Shaikh. From being one of the most trusted and senior government spokespersons, he has over the past 4 weeks been dumped from all board and executive assignments (the most recent being the chairmanship of Deyaar). I am not sure of the reason, but wish Nasser, a very likeable local, all the best in the future. And one never knows what ‘twist of life’ may reverse this recent ‘poor fortune’.

Finally Abu Dhabi introduced paid parking into the Emirate this week. I doubt it will make any difference to the fast wealth and financial reserves of Abu Dbabi, but it may help the dire parking problems in the city centre.

Finally finally Hong Kong are the latest major city to introduce a smoking ban in public places. And as was the case in most other parts of the world – the restaurants, bars, hotels etc are in full rebellion.

Property corner:

Yes it IS POSSIBLE to make money over the next 12 months. And returns in excess of 50% over this period. Property in Abu Dhabi and Jebel Ali are two examples.

But I am about to launch a Fund that invests in a range of business activities or companies in the UAE. This will give the Investor access to a range of service businesses – cleaning, hospitality and retail. For anybody interested let me know. While initial annual returns may only be c 15% I expect significant capital appreciation upside upon disposal – 3/5 years.

Dog Corner:

Lets just give it a skip this week. I am still getting too many ‘help me’ notes from people who have found themselves in ‘investment trouble’. And for many the best solution will be to ‘write off’ whatever has been invested.

Fun corner:

Here are some ‘not political’ one liners :

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says “Do you know the limit is 70?” The driver leans into the back and says “you heard the policeman - 3 of you get out”.

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. “B****s to that” said Paddy “that’s the last time I go lion dancing”

Sixty three Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IK EA .

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It’s called Tridixagen

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they strike up a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, “So why are you here?”

The brown Lab replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab says, “So what is the vet going to do?”

“Gonna cut my nuts off,” comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, “Why are you here?”

The yellow Lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.” “So what are they going to do to you?” the black Lab enquires.

“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too”, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, “Why are you here?”

“I’m a humper,” the black Lab says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away”

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, “So, nuts off for you too, huh?”

The black Lab says ….”No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

A ’short one’ for you A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”

He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.’

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’ Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it’s much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.

‘Where’s Kristian?’ he asked.

‘He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark’, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’

Kristian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’

Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.’………

(You’re going to love this………….. I think) . .

‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Kristian’

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you …. you have no legs!

The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’

Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, ‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here’s the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

 

 

Don ‘t look down.. Don ‘t look down. Don ‘t look down.

Currency corner:

Sterling has shown tired signs this week. About time. It is only the problems of Euroland (and the continued ‘confusion’ around the world) that are giving the currency some respectability. When the true condition of the UK economy is known, the correction could be up to 5%.

I am also convinced that we will see a recovery in the value of the US$. The impact of a possible credit downgrade and a broken US economy have weighed heavily on the value of the Greenback. As these concerns recede, I expect the currency to reverse recent weakness.

Equity corner:

Warnings of a correction to equity markets is starting to become a reality. Low volumes over the holiday months will exacerbate the volatility. So be careful. I will give you a more thorough appraisal of the market next week. If you really want my equity analysis have another look at last weeks ‘equity corner’.