Home Thoughts From Dubai

Tip when visiting/moving to the UAE:

Please consider yourself an ambassador for you country when visiting the Emirate. That way we will all feel good and not break the Local Laws. 

Reflections from the week:

I suppose it would be difficult this week, unless you were in a coma, to escape the stories circulating on another ‘heroic man’ who feels that it is important that as many good looking women in Europe as possible have had the pleasure of knowing what it is like to ‘hug him’. While both of them are naked. In bed.

Yes there are some men who just feel this urge. And why not if you are ‘built’ with such wonderful ‘talents’. And when you are blest with another wonderful talent – that of being one of England’s great footballers and captain of the National Team – it is difficult, I presume, why you cannot engage in both. Even when you are married to a beautiful wonderful supportive wife you should not ignore ‘your calling’.

And so Mr Terry considers he has a licence to ‘roam’ upfield every now and then. Or often.

And so you would expect there to be many John Terry jokes.

But, no. I visited many Google sites and I only found ONE. Well, one that I thought was ‘funnyish’.

Here it is : A new boy friend bought Vanessa Perroncel (the lucky girl at the centre of the media frenzy) a Cadburys chocolate penis for Valentines Day - She replied that she preferred Terrys. Yeah, weak but best one available.

From the rumours circulating it appears that Vanessa is a little naughty herself and just likes MEN. She is a form of female Tiger Woods. Latest number of Premiership Footballers that she has ‘shared the shower with’ it EIGHT. A real little Tigress. But let’s be fair (yes I can be occasionally) Vanessa is not married. So she is ‘entitled’ to be, as we say in Dublin, ‘A Slapper’.

Now I don’t want to devote too much space to this story, but it gets more ’spicy’ when you hear that Vanessa is the girlfriend (well ex) of one of Mr Terry’s former team mates at Chelsea and one of his closest friends. Yep. Cool !!!

In an effort to judge Dubai’ opinion on all this, I have asked 20 + men and 20 + women, WHICH is the worse SIN ? Being unfaithful to his WIFE or being unfaithful to his BEST FRIEND. With the exception of one drunk woman last night in the pub, I have received the SAME answer from all the women and all the guys. Yes the same answer. Not one variation (except ‘Merry Margaret’). The girls have answered ‘the wife’. And the guys have answered ………… ‘the best friend’. Now is it any wonder each gender goes around not understanding the other !!!

And WHERE did Mrs Terry go when her world was falling apart. Well to where Rupert Murdoch would recommend NOBODY to go. Yeah she is here in Dubai. And despite my reputation as a ‘relationship doctor’, I have still not got a phone call from her. I heard Mr Terry is on his way here tonight – after he is hopefully stripped of the England captaincy.

So let’s move on.

Did you see that an ‘unfinished cigar’ owned by Winston Churchill was sold at auction this week. For £4,500. For an unfinished cigar ?? Anyhow just few questions/observations. One given that Winston Churchill did not die until 1965 WHAT was Winston doing leaving it ‘un-finished’ for 24 years ? Why would anybody pay £4,500 for a cigar that was in another man’s mouth for a few puff’s !! And more importantly I have no confirmation that the buyer was the ex-American President Bill Clinton !!!

On the subject of Winston let us remember some of his great quotes.

‘A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject’.

Bessie Braddock talking to Mr Churchill at a party : “Sir, you are very drunk.”

Churchill (in response) : “Madam that I may be, but you are ugly. The difference is that in the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nancy Astor again speaking to Churchill : “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”

Churchill (in response): “Madam if I were your husband I would take it.”

‘Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm’

‘You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else’.

This week also saw the release of another vital British secret. Nothing to do with the Freedom of Information Act. Just a piece of worthless information that the stupid British Press felt worthy of a full page in their overpriced newspapers. Apparently Maggie Thatcher’s (for my younger readers, she was a previous British Prime Minister) basic diet included whiskey, spinach and 28 eggs a week. On the basis of how ‘dizzy’ she has become in later life, I think this is invaluable dietary knowledge.

Now I promise this will be the last piece of advice for Caroline and her soon (5 months) to be born ‘Dubai’s next Model’. If Little Cappuchina ever asks you ‘what does the word Zoroastrians’ (yes it IS a word) mean, BE READY. In an effort to ‘enhance’ the knowledge of children as young as 5 in the British schooling system (this is FACT, I read it in a British newspaper !!) , the Government are insisting that these innocent children know what such words mean. I know that virtually all of my Readers, will immediately know the word refers to a minority (less than 90 followers) religion who believe that the dead (humans) should be left to be eaten by vultures. NOW THAT is REAL knowledge !!! Well done Britain.

Let me try and win our way back to more sane territory.

Another first during the week was the opening of the first Bloomingdale’s outlet in the world outside the United States. Yes this iconic Franchise and Brand, has chosen Dubai over London or Paris or Tokyo or Singapore. Dubai is far from where most British journalists would like it to be. But, well who gives a toss about how they feel. The new store is in the largest Mall in the World (Dubai Mall) and adjacent to the tallest Tower in the World (Burj Khallifa).

On other ‘Dubai local’ matters, the Government really do have to look at the new visa laws. In a move typical of how problems are solved here - they have a problem with one group of people, and they decide to damage EVERYBODY. The Authorities have decided that if you are not a resident of the UAE you can only enter and exit the country ONCE during a one month period. At its most farcical, if you travel on business to the Region, enter Dubai for a day, then go to Qatar (another country just ‘up the road’) for a meeting you CANNOT re-enter Dubai for a FULL MONTH. Yep, real MBA-stuff.

But the Region is blest with such ‘great’ thinking. The mini-van situation is now working its way into law. As a result of the growing number of accidents with passenger carrying mini-vans, the Government have decided NOT to approve/authorise any more such vehicles for passenger usage, AND the ones that are currently ‘on the road’, shall have a MAXIMUM carrying capacity of NINE people. Even if you bought these vans for and they were manufactured for carrying 14 or 16.

So INSTEAD of tackling the REAL problem of ‘insane driving’ and drivers, the Police decide that the van is the issue that needs controlling. More Harvard Graduate thinking !!!!! Its like arresting the Managing Director of Smith and Wesson every time somebody is shot in the US with one of these guns. Let the offender go free, he would never have been able to commit the crime, if S&W did not produce guns.

Sticking with Dubai and a real murder. The Hamas Leader who was eliminated here last week was on his way to Iran. Draw your own conclusions. And the murder ? Well it happened ‘on the Northside’ of Dubai. In the ‘lawless’ area of Garhoud. Where some well known Irish live !!!

In Abu Dhabi work has commenced on Ikea’s largest store in the Middle East. The 32,000 sq meter store is being built on the Formula 1 Al Yas Island (directly opposite Al Raha Beach) and is expected to be up and running within twelve months. A nice place for a ‘pit stop’ when Michael Schumacher returns this season.

Dubai airport also announced a major multi million US$ expansion this week. It has REALLY confused those financial-insect brained reporters at the London Times, The Daily Mail and the Mirror.

Almost forgot to mention that Ipswich Town lost again last weekend. Against Preston (2 – 0) where Alex Ferguson’s son is manager. Don’t you really feel sorry for ‘moany-face’ Roy Keane. 

Now you either hate the French or …………………… you dislike them. Unless you are French of course !!! Well this week in their own enigmatic way, started to enforce their new law that prohibits the use of the full burka (more particularly the full face Islamic veil for women) in schools, hospitals and Government offices. Obviously there were a few people who decided to ‘test the law’. And promptly got arrested. Given the sensitivity to ‘everything Islamic’ around the world, and the ‘Islamic inheritance’ the French have from their ‘Colonial Days’ in North Africa, this IS indeed a strange law.

Finally did you ever wonder in those ‘shower moments’ (no NOT with John Terry) what is ‘dysfunctional’ about the Eastern European/Russian gene-pool. I mean SURELY you have wondered WHY most of the men in these Regions are so nauseatingly less good looking than the average woman in their countries !!!! If you want to know what I am talking about, join Joanne and myself on the Jumeirah beaches any weekend.

Finally finally did you know that the average person is more likely to get divorced than to change their bank. Well I suppose if you were like John Terry or Tiger Woods, that is not really comforting.

Property corner:

Not much new to say this week. Same residential parts of Dubai and Abu Dhabi remain in demand. With yields on soon to be handed over buildings in Al Reem Island and Al Raha Beach likely to hit 15% + I am not sure when one will see a ‘corrective’ jump in these property values. But it WILL happen.

Dog Corner:

Let’s give it this week to Vanessa Perroncel ………………… or maybe John Terry ………… or maybe just the British Press for finding something more interesting and dark than writing about Dubai.

Fun corner:

Here are a selection of ‘Bumper Stickers’ from the ‘Redneck’ parts of the USA

‘I am NOT an Alcoholic. I am a DRUNK. Alcoholics go to Meetings’

‘Driver Carries NO Cash. HE’S MARRIED’

‘Can’t Feed ‘Em? DON’T BREED EM’

‘4 out of 3 People Have Trouble with Fractions’

‘I Child-Proofed My House, BUT THEY STILL GET IN’

‘If Money is the Root of ALL EVIL, WHY do Churches Beg for IT’

‘Keep Honking. I’m Reloading’

And then there are the ‘give away’ signs of being an Extreme Redneck !!

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying ‘Hey, guys, watch this’.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied ‘ I did not bloody recognise you’ !!!

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70’s, walk into a sex therapist’s office.

The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’

The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.’

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Medicare.’

Husband : Darling if I die, I know you will marry again. So as soon as I’m gone I want you to sell all my possessions. Wife : Now, why would you want me to do that ?

Husband : Well I don’t want some other arsehole using all my stuff

Wife : WHAT makes you think I’d marry ANOTHER arsehole !!!

And one for the men

Wife : Why do you suppose NASA hasn’t sent a woman to the moon ?

Husband : Because it does not need to be cleaned yet ?? !!

A middle-aged woman was sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

‘Come now,’ coaxed the doctor, ‘you’ve been seeing me for years! There’s nothing you can’t tell me.’

‘This one’s kind of strange…’

‘Let me be the judge of that,’ the doctor replied.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.’

‘I see.’

‘That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.’

‘That night,’ she went on, ‘I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !

 You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,’ she implored,’I'm scared out of my wits!’

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye.

‘There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.’ (Ready for this?) ‘You’re body is simply going through some change’’ !!!

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

While doing so he asked her, ‘Do you know what I am doing?’ ‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.’

‘That’s right,’ said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.

‘Do you know what I am doing now?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ she said, ‘You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.’

‘Correct,’ replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, ‘Do you know what I am doing now?’

‘Yes,’ she said, ‘You’re getting syphilis: which is why I came here in the first place

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?’ ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained “When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

And Then these posters were pasted all over the place

“Then that should have worked!” said the friend.

“The hell it should had!? said the salesman. didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left”

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess…. ‘”Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “NO!!!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and watched football on tv when he wanted and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The End

Currency corner:

In the flight from equities you will see an escape to Bonds and (safe) Currencies. And so the US$ jumped a nice 2% in just two days – in the currency market world, this is serious movement. There is probably some further upside on the US$ against the Greece-plagued Euro.

And Sterling will also benefit from this. Despite its own enormous economic and budgetary challenges, Sterling remains ‘untouched’. BUT if Euroland can get some control over its PIGS (Portugal, Italy, Greece and Spain), then expect some ‘bounce back’.

Credit Default swaps are jumping with Greece pricing now above 4%

Equity corner:

: #Well it was an event waiting to happen. And so this week we got ‘some of it’. A ‘correction’ to the enormous 9 month equity recovery we have enjoyed.

So all the experts are now out to tell you ‘I told you so’. Propelled by the fear of a Sovereign debt default, Investors (who hate uncertainty) have stampeded away from Global Equities. And we may have an uncomfortable 4 weeks ahead, as the markets attempt to find a ‘fair value’ point.

As I wrote in my ‘predictions for 2010’,(yes I am one of them !!) I see the first six months of the year being difficult for equities and the markets recovering in the final six months. My reasoning was less to do with a Greece or Spain going into default but more to do with the reversal of economic stimuli by Governments as they hit levels of debt that cannot be expanded more, the hard to explain steepness of the equity recovery through 2009 and unemployment continuing to be a problem on corporate revenues around the world.

If anybody feels sorry for themselves you should be glad you are not in the Spanish equity markets. This market fell SIX percent yesterday. Yes in ONE day. So lets not be too stupid. Lets watch for a few weeks. Shame that Glaxo produced good results yesterday. On a day when the UK markets were collapsing 2.5%, Glaxo’s share price actually rose. So we may need to hold them for a while.