Home Thoughts From Dubai

thought for the week :

People are sometimes curious enough to exchange personal telephone numbers for a clandestine look at someone else’s boredom

Which would you prefer:

to be a world class tennis player or a great lover ? For those of you thinking really hard, remember there is NO correct answer.

Things that need to be changed in Dubai:

I cannot believe two things that happened in Dubai this week. First the Irish guy who had a broken glass shoved into his head by a few Moroccan’s was FINED Euro 600 for being drunk and the Moroccans escaped without even a reprimand. The police say that because he had alcohol in his system – which he bought in the hotel in which he stays . Is this REALLY what Sheikh Mohammad wants the international tourists to know about Dubai ? Even if you are a tourist you CANNOT buy/consume alcohol in the bars from which the Locals get rent and tax. Or if you do you (unprovoked) can be violently assaulted by an Arab and YOU get fined and violence is condoned. Dubai really needs to decide what it wants to be.

It cannot sell alcohol (with the attendant revenue and tourist benefits) and then punish tourists who buy the stuff. The second incident involves another Irishman who employs many foreign staff and has probably been ‘too soft’ an Employer.

This week he paid the price when three of his trusted employees collaborated with each other and ‘acquired’ the keys necessary to break into his work safe and make off with Euro 75,000 in cash. One of the three have been arrested (God Bless Him – its hot in prison these days) but two also acquired their passports from the safe and made it home to Sri Lanka. Its such a shame. And I also believe that being a good Employer is the more ‘Christian’ model. What a shame God makes people who ‘test’ that. In this case the Police were supremely professional and supportive of the Irishman – presumably because he does NOT drink alcohol. At all.

BUT MOST OF ALL THIS WEEK, can somebody explain to me WHY Nakheel – the property Developer owned by the Dubai Government – who owe hundreds of millions of Dirhams to their Trade Creditors have bullied many of them into accepting a 30% reduction in their bill, then tell them they will only pay them 40% in cash now and the rest to be ‘deferred’ AND the creditor is NOT given ANY late payment interest (up to the point the first payment is made) YET Nakheel have made NO value or payment concessions to the people who owe them money. They still expect you to pay 2007/early 2008 prices AND they charge late payment fees – on any arrears due to them. OUTRAGEOUS and again damaging for the image of how business is done in Dubai. :

Reflections from the week:

OK this is IT. The final Home Thoughts from Dubai for a full FIVE weeks. I will not be back with you until the first week of November. Hehehehe I am only joking. September. Don’t worry it is not that I am on a personal holiday for this nightmareishly long break. No just that I will be able to enjoy my Friday mornings in bed and think of the 50 hours (ten hours per week) of HT preparation time I am saving !!!

Before we get into this weeks ‘funny stuff’, I would like to thank you all for your support every week. Your feedback – verbal and written. Home Thoughts from Dubai is now 5 years old. It has progressed from ‘a weekly letter’ (with about 40/50 victims) to a Global Blog which over one week in the month of June, got nearly 7,000 hits. A Blog that now gets read in 5 Continents and in over 20 countries.I know you don’t all have time to read it every week, but the response I get from you during the course of the year is both flattering and ‘battery charging’ in keeping my enthusiasm alive every week to ensure you get your ‘Friday injection’. So a BIG thank you. So what did the last week of July bring us ?

From the beginning of the awkward uniting of the British Conservative with the Liberal Democrats, I had my view that there was ‘something deeper’ in the Cameron/Clegg ‘friendship’. They looked like the type that after a match (probably cricket) would spend that little ‘extra time’ in the shower. Together. I went as far as to suggest that they looked, and acted, a bit ‘bum banditish’ for me. And now Daily Mail reporter (he is known for his controversial views on life) Richard Littlejohn seems to agree with me by comparing ‘the two’ to Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal in the 2005 movie Brokeback Mountain – where two gay men ‘saddled up for the long haul’. Interesting. You know what they say about ‘smoke and fire’ !!! And journalists ………………….. and me

Well we had the European banks being ‘Stress Tested’. The Banks, NOT the Employees. I mean Bankers don’t suffer stress. They ‘give’ it !!! Anyhow the banks seem to be in OK shape. Well that is if you accept that the evaluating criteria was appropriate, auditable and durable. Which I obviously don’t. Not adequate recognition of Sovereign exposure write-off’s for a sceptic like me. But then better to have ‘done the testing than not to have tested at all’. There were seven sacrificial lambs to prove the ‘show’ was not manufactured and so the Euro renewed its strength against other major currencies. Given my view that Greece will ultimately have to seek some debt forgiveness, it will be interesting to see what banks, that may have passed this test, will find themselves undercapitalised for this scenario.

And just a quick word on the ‘paralysis of credit’ in Irish banking. There is increasing evidence that ALL the people, systems and entities established by the Government to police that the banks were indeed playing their role in the provision of credit to the economy, are WORTHLESS. These appointments are thankfully being exposed as a waste of money and resource. The banks are NOT lending (with possible exception of Bank of Ireland) and this absolutely essential tool if the country is to have a chance of a recovery, is heartbreakingly absent. But then the Government have also themselves to blame through tormenting the banks for their lax credit underwriting standards – and after two years of liquidity and wealth recession many prospective borrowers will be/are too financially weak to merit credit lines from banks. So how do you crack this one ?? I will also add that the need/demand for credit in Europe (mirrored in Ireland) over the next 12 months is estimated to be THREE times more than current levels while the ability of banks to lend needs to CONTRACT by 20% - from current levels.

Now you know how I would love to beat the previous best number of hits on my site in one week. Well here goes. For those of you not interested in raw prostitution, skip this paragraph. It will contain lots of names and words that cause the Home Thoughts site to be ‘hit’. So here goes Tom Cruise (how vain can one man be), Cameron Diaz (gorgeous and more gorgeous), Penelope Cruz (now they are real LIPS) , Brad Pitt (he is getting old), Tom Hunnersen (a sort of Financial Lifeguard), Sarah Palin (Tom’s current), Barack Obama (a presidential disappointment who is now being what people feared – inexperienced), Sex (can be fun ……….. with the right person), Rory McIlroy (such a great young talent), Tony Hayward (lets hope that smug smile disappears with his career), Mahmoud Ahmedinejad (more dangerous than Osama Bin Laden), Sean Fitzpatrick (more destructive than Hurricane Catriona), U2 (three decades of ‘wonderfulness’), Take That (a real boy band that made it to manhood), Robbie Williams (a boy who remained a boy – like most of us), Catholic Church (a place for boys),Fornication (never real got to grips with the origins of this word !!), Tiger Woods (a doctor of fornication), David Beckham (poor nice bastard who married badly), Hurricanes (a sub structure of Sean Fitzpatrick), Banks (where you go to get depressed), Screw (nothing to do with the previous word), NAMA (a hastily conceived concept that could explode), Colin Firth (WHY do women like him), David Cameron (and Gay Clegg !!), Citigroup (run by an Indian – an Asian one), the Queen of England (threatening the rest of the world with next years planned world tour), Alex Ferguson (time to retire or at least get rid of those annoying American shareholders), Bruce Willis (my movie hero), Ronan Keating (not Cheating any longer), Yvonne Keating (who by the way are back together) and Michelle Pfeifer (which is why the words sex, fornication and screw are mentioned above) etc etc. That should be enough to make a difference. Which is what we would all hope to achieve from life.

Did you know that even though China is seen as the great economic powerhouse of the 21st century (it will overtake Japan this year as the second largest economy on the planet), the US is still THREE times larger. THAT is why America is so important to every other economies in the world. And as the US Government stimulus packages start to hit exhaustion phase, all recent data suggests that the US recovery has lacked any serious new jobs (remember my very strong views on this) and new stimulus measures will be curtailed by limits on Government borrowing capacity, the rest of the world will suffer economically if the USA catches ‘economic fatigue’

Now which European holiday destination do you think is the most popular for the British holidaymaker ? Aha, Spain I hear you all shout. Wrong. Portugal. Wrong again. OK France. NO WRONG AGAIN. It is Turkey. Yep it appears that Turkey provides what the British tourist wants. Turkey in Summer. The Spanish resorts are actually a poor third. Greece is second and Egypt of all places fourth. Apparently this years holiday season is dominated by families who want all inclusive packages – which Egypt and Turkey provide in greater abundance.

Lets have some ‘Health Corner’ stuff. First the obvious if you sit for most of your day, you will die earlier. BUT did you know that your chances of dying were 37% greater (women – 17% men). And this was research on 150,000 people over 14 years. So pretty compelling. And worrisome – given a bankers life involves lots of ‘sitting’. Next ‘life fact’ - as I have told you in the past optimists live longer than pessimists. And happy people also outlive those that are sad. Shit again not ‘good for bankers’.

Now the MOST exciting health news of the week. There is a pill that will reduce and ‘cure’ skin cancer. The pill can apparently even reduce the size and impact of the most advanced and aggressive tumours. Like so many of these revolutionary new cures however, it will not be available for three years. WHY does it always seem to take so long. It is a British discovery and comes from scientists at my very own GlaxoSmithKline Group. So I might gain as a patient (although hopefully not) and a shareholder. Over 300,000 people die every year due to malignant melanoma skin cancer.

Now for those of you who believe that a visit to the gym a few times a week is an impossibility, lets look at a deliverable alternative. It appears that a ‘gentle stroll’ for 30 minutes a day, can improve your life expectancy by TWENTY per cent. Yes just a stroll to the shops, walking the kids to school or just a walk with work colleagues/friends, is sometimes all you need. Small amounts of light to moderate activity on a regular basis (I presume that is why sex is not highlighted in the research findings) has large health benefits. And did you know that drinking two cups of hot water or tea per day can halve the risk of artery ‘conditions’. It apparently reduces the chance of ‘furred arteries’ which leads to heart problems. NOW for the bad news. You need to have started this ‘ritual’ in early adulthood. Garbage I say. Let us start tomorrow.

And one last one for health coverage this week - scientists have discovered a ‘jab’ that will eliminate flu forever. It comes from a University in Maryland (USA) and is expected to be available around the world within three years (yes AGAIN three years !!!). The vaccine is so powerful that it is expected to be able to destroy ALL strains of flu and two jabs will give you 10 years of protection. Current medication only gives one year of protection and because the virus is constantly mutating, you have no guarantee against the flu even with ‘the protection’. Up to 300,000 deaths globally every year are flu related. Yes 6,000 per week. It is particularly bad for the elderly. Which is why I have such a serious interest !!!

I also picked up a press clipping this week on Larionovo – our friends who sold more property in Dubai than any other Irish company. Like some teenager who just discovered condoms, these guys went on an overseas property development orgy and left hundreds of unfortunate Irish Investors with a bitter view of Dubai. And now the personal dealings of Ray Norton (the main Director and Shareholder) are the subject of a High Court hearing in Ireland. And Mr Norton’s personal drawings of in excess of £1 million is at the centre of the case. I suspect Mr Norton sometimes feels a bit like Sean Fitzpatrick – the ex-Anglo Irish Bank CEO who is currently Irelands NO 1 Villain. Mr Norton is from a part of Ireland where normal law and order is not an everyday experience !!!! And Locals tend to have a different way of dispensing justice.

I have always preached the Australian way of business and Government. This week the British Government are looking at the Australian model that legalises prostitution – in New South Wales. The argument that has the British interested is that less prostitutes end up murdered or assaulted in a legalised environment. Yeah SURE. We know it is the taxation side that has triggered the interest. Anyhow Sky News interviewed some ‘girls’ from Sydney, and they ‘made the case’. What really caught my attention was their names. Ms Randy Dollars (great name for a ‘madame’ of prostitution) and a Caroline Faukes (I bet she does !!! You may have to think about that one) both claiming that their profitable businesses pay Government taxes. And their ‘employees’ feel safer that the police can be called and will help in any ‘violent situation’. Well there you are then. Case MADE.

Alex Higgins died. Known as ‘Hurricane’ in the snooker trade, he brought real colour to what was previously a very boring sport. He was just 61. Another man to ‘die’ this week was the career of Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP. Thankfully this smug, patronising and egomaniacal character has been ‘released’ by BP. Let’s hope he can learn and be more ‘human’ in his next role – whichever company it is that will be ‘desperate’ enough to recruit him. Although BP have offered him a role in their Russian Joint Venture. Well he would ‘fit’ well with the boring and corrupt Ruskies. It appears that Britain is not just a broken economy at the moment. Recent data puts the UK at the top of a list (European and Global) of ‘achievements’ it would probably prefer ‘remained quiet’. For instance teenage pregnancies (1st with 26 births per 1,000. 5th in World), Single Parent Household (1st with 23% of children up to 14. 2nd in world), Divorce rate (4th with 26 per 10,000 and 5th in world) and illegitimate births (6th with 43% of all births – staggering and 7th in world). By the way Iceland has the highest illegitimacy rate. Well they would, it’s very cold there !!!

Against these statistics however it is nice to know that Britain also ‘has’ the longest married couple. 77 years married and 85 years after first meeting, Ralph and Phyllis Tarrant, are still alive and well and are both over 100 years of age. Magnificent. Well done Ralphie and Phyllie.

And a little ‘old persons’ joke to finish. An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.” At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.” “I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

Finally if you suffer from hay-fever then STAY away from eggs and most dairy products (they assist mucus production – which sounds AWFUL and even though I don’t suffer from hay fever, I think I will go off these products myself !! Mucus YUK). Honey (anti inflammatory properties), Garlic (decongestive characteristics), Vitamin C (which by the way is a natural

Finally finally scientists have discovered an appetite suppressant – particularly for post pub ‘snacks’. Obviously the kebab and curry industry have no interest in you knowing about it but for those of you interested Manchester University scientists have discovered this ‘enhancement’ to a natural substance in our bodies that kills our desire to eat food ‘for pleasure’. WHAT. No thanks. There are enough pleasures in life already withdrawn !!!

Property corner:

Ramadan starts next week and whatever life was still in the UAE property market disintegrates with the exodus of residents (more related to temperatures in the 50’s) and the reduced working hours – Ramadan hours are maximum 6 per week Dog Corner No problem in identifying and throwing this weeks BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to departing BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward.

Fun Corner:

My favourite corporate joke at the moment !!

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now”, said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees”.

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with you all. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.

Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool!!! You COMPLETE fool. For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!

And an ‘older persons’ joke An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.” At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?’

A little ‘parental’ joke which you will like – some of you will have heard it before.

An elderly man in England calls his son in Sydney on Christmas Eve and says: “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas, and paying their own airfares.

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, ‘ Edna , I’d like to ride in that helicopter’ Edna always replied, ‘I know Ken , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks’

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, ‘ Edna , I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’

To this, Edna replied, “Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word… When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’ Ken replied,

‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know……………… “Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

WOMEN’S RULES OF SEX

1. Foreplay does not mean 5 pints of lager, taking your kit off and putting your chips down.

2. Cellulite and stretch marks are very sexy, feminine things that should be worshipped.

3. During sex a woman may eat or read so that she, too, can gain some sort of pleasure.

4. Sex should not be rushed unless Eastenders is about to start.

5. If a man says he’ll phone, HE MUST DO SO OR BURN IN THE PUTRID FIERY HELL OF SATAN’S ARSE. .

EXTRACTS FROM ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO VARIOUS COUNCILS AND HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS THROUGHOUT THE UK

“I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”

“I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”

“And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”

“I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.”

“Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.” “I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

“The toilet is blocked an we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.”

“Will you please send a man to look at my water - it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.”

“The man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.”

“Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.”

“I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.”

“Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”

“I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.”

“My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.”

“He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.”

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE

“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.” (Sharon Stone).

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” (Courtney Cox-Arquette).

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” (Barbara Bush).

“Ah, yes, divorce. From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” (Robin Williams).

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” (Billy Crystal).

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” (Rod Stewart).

“And God said, ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” (George Burns).

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: either you have diarrhoea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” (Henry Kissinger).

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.” (Steve Jobs - founder of Apple Computers).

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum.’” (Patricia Arquette)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White Shark or a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” (Axel Rose - Guns’n’Roses).

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas men are just grateful.” (Robert De Niro).

“Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” (Dustin Hoffman). “When the sun comes up, I have morals again.” (Elizabeth Taylor).

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” (Robin Williams).

Here are a few ‘he said, she said’

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That’s a good idea…you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.” And they say blondes are dumb….

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger……. Whoosh….immediately he turned ninety!!!

Lena folded Fred’s underwear and put them in the drawer. The next morning he took a pair out and shaking the powder out of them said, “Lena, I wish you wouldn’t put so much powder in my underwear.”

Lena replied, “That isn’t powder. It’s Miracle Grow. Here are some cards Hallmark don’t produce or print

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you… (inside card) I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life… (inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by I think how lucky I am… (inside card) That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go… (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You’ll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry… (inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age… (inside card) Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, You said you’d die for me… (inside card) Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.

8. We’ve been friends for a very long time… (inside card) What do you say we stop? 9

. I’m so miserable without you… (inside card) It’s almost like you’re still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy… (inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket… (inside card) I’d miss you terribly And think of you often.

12. Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder… (inside card) What was I thinking?

Now I hope Tom Hunnersen is not reading these next few jokes. They are about Sarah (Palin) – and he is going to have to have a sense of humour

1. Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.

2. On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn’t that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, ‘Hi, I’m Sarah Palin’. Maybe she could come across as smarter if she had bigger hands. 

3. In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin

4. Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she’s going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah. But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected

5. This week Sarah Palin’s memoir became a bestseller. It’s not even out yet. It’s being translated into English Now PLEASE all female readers don’t read any further. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.” Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?” He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.’

Currency corner:

Economic data has been sparse and where it has existed, it has not made much difference to currency valuations. Non Farm Payrolls in the US (due next Friday), WILL be an enormous catalyst to market trends. If my view that the US is not creating jobs of a scale to justify the enormous subsidies paid into the economy by the Government, then this Global recovery is built on faulty foundations. And we will once again see a flight to safety – which will assist the value of the US currency.

Interest in buying the Club needs to be sortee.

The European Bank stress tests were taken favourably by the markets. While the entire process could have been considered ‘political’, it main drive was to get the Capital (or lending) Markets flowing again. Over the past few months, credit between banks has been tight and considerably short of the trust needed for a normal market.

While the test results should improve this, it may just be short term as analysts start to pick weaknesses in the process and ‘constituent parts’. In the short term however we should see some easing in interbank lending rates ……………….. and a change in the Euro/Swiss exchange rate. Where large capital flows into the Swissie were evident over the past few months.

Equity corner:

Well I did warn you that markets were now entering a volatile pattern that will cost us a lot, if we are unlucky. The best way to play a market such as the one we are experiencing is to play specific stocks. Stocks that have been unfairly beaten up by the generality of market movements, and where value has not yet become apparent to Investors. Last weeks tip Bank of Ireland had a ‘Superstock’ showing – up 13% at one stage. The correction in yesterdays equity markets is part of what will be a six month volatile stretch. So let me give you a stock which we will ‘view’ the performance of when I come back in September. It is one that we have followed and bought many times. And this week Glaxo had one of those ‘dog runs’. Despite the 15 pence dividend it was down nearly 70 pence. So I strongly suggest we buy now at £11.25 and I would hope that you will be buying me champagne in early September.